PSA: Normalise counselling

Public Service Announcement: Counselling and therapy does not have to be a reactive step when you are already struggling. It can and should be a normal part of our lives, something we do on a regular basis to take care of our mental health, personal growth, and general wellbeing, and to improve self-awareness and understanding. 

At the moment I'm the happiest I've ever been, but I know that my depression will return when my college course ends and I go back to the "real world" of full time work, commuting, renting, etc., because depression is my natural reaction to the world we live in. So I'm taking a preventive step and getting a series of 6 sessions with my college's counselling team after Christmas, because I'd like to build some resilience and find ways to manage how I feel so I don't get as low as I have before.

Counselling and therapy can be pricey, but there are low-cost and free options out there and is definitely worth considering, even if you have no idea what you'd talk about. And - talk about it! Chatting about things in an everyday sort of way helps to de-stigmatise and normalise them, which is super important as it makes it easier for others to open up and take steps they otherwise may not.

That is all. New post coming soon =]

Exmouth 2021 - part 1

Yay, time for a travel post at long last! Two weeks ago I took myself off down to Exmouth for a few days; my first little trip away since late 2019. I'd booked it a couple of months earlier, and was looking forward to getting away and spending some time on the coast.

Monday 5th July

There were delays on my train journey so I arrived in Exmouth about an hour later than expected, around 2:30pm. I bought a coronation chicken sandwich as a late lunch from the M&S next to the station and found my way to the house where I was staying; my Airbnb was a local resident's spare room. (She was a Verified Superhost and had loads of good reviews, so I was pretty confident it would be safe and comfortable.) She was nice and had a gorgeous calm-tempered greyhound, her home was lovely and quirky and very clean, and the room was quiet and cosy. I always tend to linger in my room for an hour or two whenever I arrive somewhere, I guess to sort of work myself up to going out and finding my way around a new place. The weather was miserable and if I'd been in a hotel or B&B I would have stayed in, but as I was in someone's home (and on holiday) I felt like I should spend as much time as possible not there (though I'm sure she wouldn't have minded) - so I went out again around 4:30.

To avoid the heavy grey clouds, rain, and strong and chilly breeze, I decided to go to the cinema; Supernova, a drama starring the greats that are Colin Firth and Stanley Tucci and set in the Lake District, was showing at 5:45. The cinema was an independent one, which is really cool. I had the screen to myself, and want to see all the films they showed trailers for (the Marvel trailer for not just Black Widow but announcing all their films for the next few years was particularly exciting, haha). The film was very good; quiet, modest, understated, with a moving story and brilliant performances. I don't usually get snacks at the cinema but bought a small popcorn, and that along with the other snacks I had with me ended up being my tea, my evening meal, even though I was out again by 7pm and could have found somewhere for dinner. Afterwards I went to the seafront and sat in a shelter on the Esplanade, out of the wind and rain, watching the headlands at Berry Head, Torquay, Teignmouth, and Dawlish slowly disappear in the worsening weather.

Tuesday 6th

My host provided a range of options for breakfast and I opted to try some posh Kelloggs protein cereal that turned out to be cinnamon-y and very yummy. She also had a jar of dried cranberries the likes of which I've never seen before - they were whole, and huge, and gorgeous, and I'm kicking myself that I didn't go to the town's zero-waste shop, where I think she said she got them from, to see if they had any. Being a guest in the home of someone I didn't know and sitting in their kitchen trying to make conversation over breakfast wasn't the most relaxing experience; as always I was very conscious of not having questions to ask her about herself or many comments to make in response to things she was saying, especially because she was an interesting person and we had a lot of interests in common. But I'm always harder on myself than I need to be, there wasn't actually very much awkward silence so it wasn't too bad. I loved her home - an old terraced cottage full of books, houseplants, art, mismatched second-hand everything, and cherished items from near and far. She said it was nice to have someone stay for a few days as it's more relaxing, most of her guests are walkers who stay for just one night.

One of the reasons I chose Exmouth was for the walking - the town lies on the South West Coast Path, and is one end of the 26-mile Exe Estuary Trail that loops around the estuary linking together Exmouth, Exeter, and Dawlish Warren. I decided to spend my first full day doing the coast path to Budleigh Salterton, a route of just over five miles/eight kilometres. The first two miles is just along Exmouth Beach. Towards the far end, where the red sandstone cliffs which mark the western end of the Jurassic Coast start to rise, you have to be careful not to get cut off by the incoming tide, especially if you walk around into Sandy Bay at low tide. The cliffs are amazing to look at, and a little daunting to stand under even if they're not as high as elsewhere along the coast. The Jurassic Coast - the 95 miles between Orcombe Point at Exmouth and Old Harry Rocks at Swanage - is England's only natural UNESCO World Heritage Site. Why is it so special (apart from being stunningly beautiful)? You know what, I cannot possibly come up with a better explanation than the experts at the Jurassic Coast Trust:

Imagine your favourite film trilogy. Now imagine that the first film is only ever shown in Scotland, the second only shown in France and the third only shown in Brazil. Annoying right? Now imagine that you stumble across a little cinema on the south coast of England that shows the entire trilogy, all three films back to back with extra scenes and everything. That’s what the Jurassic Coast is like for three geological time Periods called the Triassic, Jurassic and Cretaceous.

Those three time periods of Earth history collectively make up the Mesozoic Era, running from around 250 to 65 million years ago. Rocks that offer an almost complete record of that entire time are spread out along the Jurassic Coast, a bit like the pages of a book.

How literally awesome is that?! I've always had an interest in physical Earth sciences like geology and should actually study it a bit at some point. The red rocks in East Devon are Triassic, the oldest, formed from layers of sand in a vast desert 250-200 million years ago - and there were other, older, grey rocks underneath those. The website linked above has more easy-to-understand information if you're interested, including an image showing which areas of the coastline have which rocks.

Anyway, back to the walk. At Orcombe Point you leave the beach and take the steps up the cliff, then a short walk through some National Trust clifftop grasslands brings you to the Geoneedle, an obelisk showing the different rocks along the Jurassic Coast. There's also a large compass thing in the ground pointing towards landmarks along the coast, which makes you realise how much the coastline curves around. Less than a mile further on was the Devon Cliffs Holiday Park - the halfway point of this route - and the South Beach Cafe, where I stopped for lunch. I ordered a raspberry lemonade and the shredded beef mac and cheese, the latter of which was yummy (especially as it came with a caramelised onion chutney) and satisfying, although the tablespoon's worth of beef was disappointingly more of a garnish than an ingredient. There were steps down into Sandy Bay, which I've heard is nice, but I wasn't in a great mood and just wanted to carry on.

It took me just over an hour to cover the remaining two and a half miles to Budleigh Salterton. The weather stayed good, a mix of cloud and sun with a breeze. The rain falling over the land and sea on the horizon didn't come my way, thankfully. The path was unnervingly close to the cliff edge in places, but I loved looking out over the countryside to my left and the sea to my right; the waves rolling in, the white horses, the shifting colours under sunshine and cloud shadow. Once at Budleigh and on the beach, the astonishing rusty red colour of the water, created by runoff from the cliffs after the recent rains, became more obvious and prominent against the pale pebbles of the beach. The beach itself was impressive too, sculpted by the forces of the waves in a way I hadn't seen before, into a pair of waves itself with steep banks and deep troughs. And oh, I loved the pebbles, the pebbles were gorgeous. Huge, round, oval, smooth, a variety of colours - pinks, purples, yellows, oranges, greys, blacks, stripey ones, spotty ones. I was ever so tempted to take one away with me, but I didn't, one single lone pebble would look out of place in my room, I wouldn't know what to do with it, and it's just generally better to not take things, to leave them and let other people enjoy them too. 

I spent about an hour on the beach, trying to be present and improve my low mood by concentrating on watching the waves, but frustration took over as I struggled with indecision over whether to get the bus back or walk, and what to do when I got back. Eventually, at about 5pm, I decided to walk back, via the 'Exmouth to Budleigh Salterton Old Railway Line', a flat paved route through the countryside. You have to walk through the town to reach it, so I took what I thought was a more direct route from my starting point at the beach but it turned out to be an unpleasant footpath-less on-road route, which put me in a bad mood, so I was very glad to finally reach the path after 45 minutes. Being back among woodland and farmland - and other walkers - was soothing and made me feel slightly better, and I stopped at a bench to rest, have a snack, and just look and listen to what was around me. Cows were mooing comfortingly in one of the fields, clustering in one corner where the farmer was probably putting some food out for them, birds were singing and flitting about, including some kind of martins, a kestrel hovered nearby, and once I set off again a black cat crossed the path way ahead and sat in the vegetation to one side, staring at me as I walked past, which made me smile. 

Eventually I got back to Exmouth Beach, after a long day of walking around 15 miles. I bought a pack of bread rolls from the convenience store on the seafront and went back to the same shelter I'd sat in the evening before, to put together a tuna mayo roll with the can of said filling and cutlery from home I'd brought with me. Once again my evening meal was snacks, more of a lunch, but at least I'd had the mac and cheese earlier. Grey clouds and a slightly chilly breeze were still about but several locals were playing volleyball on the beach, and some kitesurfers and sailboaters were out on the water. I looked through my binoculars at the three cruise ships anchored off the distant headlands. What looked to the naked eye to be some sort of cargo ship turned out to be an ugly hulking Virgin Voyages liner, haha. I headed back to the house, located just one street behind the seafront, around 9pm.

-

Thanks for reading all that if you have! I think when I'm writing these things that I often focus on certain aspects I enjoyed or things I noticed, and I sound enthusiastic and maybe it comes across that I had a good time. Which is why I've mentioned my low moods and not actually having a good time. Sometimes solo travel is like that, for a variety of reasons, and I like to be honest and not pretend. This trip could have been improved by better planning, as I hadn't really planned at all. Anyway, part two about the Wednesday and Thursday to follow soon!

One year down, one to go

The first year of my college course is done! Term finished on the 25th. It's strange to think I'm halfway through already. And honestly it's not a pleasant thought that I only have a year left before I need to have figured out what I'm going to do next - just one more year before I have to return to full-time work. But, I am absolutely loving it. 

My board for keeping track of assignments

In case you don't know or can't remember, I'm doing a two-year Advanced Technical Extended Diploma in Land & Wildlife Management (Conservation); basically Countryside Management, and it's Level 3 so equivalent to A-Levels. Because my application was late getting processed I wasn't able to talk to anyone about the course beforehand, so started off a bit blindly, not really knowing what I was going to be doing. And it's been a mixture, mostly interesting and enjoyable but some not so much - but that's fine, that's the case with everything. 

My favourite unit has been Population Surveys, Ecology & Conservation (PSEC) - we learned the basics of ecology, evolution, taxonomy (classification of living organisms, not to be confused with taxidermy), threats to ecosystems, conservation strategies, legislation, and the whys and hows of doing wildlife surveys. I've also loved and got high marks in the Species ID certificate, which we'll continue next year. The Habitat Management units for woodlands, heathlands, grasslands, and farmland, were all really interesting, particularly learning about the history of the British countryside, how the landscape has changed over the millennia, centuries, and decades. I liked the Countryside Recreation unit, which really highlighted the importance of being able to access the countryside, how unequal that access is, and also how damaging human recreational activities are to the land, wildlife, and conservation efforts, and how difficult it is to balance those differing needs. Not so much my cup of tea were the Machinery and Estate Skills units. I'm glad I was able to have a go at practical tasks like coppicing, hedge-laying, path surfacing, and fence-building, but I have almost no upper body strength and no experience of using tools (i.e. no coordination or stamina) so my goodness I found them difficult, haha! There is a part of me that's a little disappointed I didn't enjoy the practical side more and find it easier, because coppicing and hedge-laying would be a great line of work to get into; I've always had a thing about traditional skills, and these ones are very much needed, and pay quite well. Oh well.

Chopping a tree to lay it and create a hedge

I'm also really happy that I've done well. Having failed my A-Levels in 2008-10, and never actually been taught study skills, I was nervous about returning to education again, and it has been tough. I really struggled with the assignments for several months, getting Merits but achieving them by an unsustainable level of energy, overthinking, perfectionism, late nights, and stress. Thankfully I was eventually able to realise when enough was enough and spending even another half an hour on it wouldn't make a difference, let alone another day. Not long afterwards something else clicked and I had a much better idea of what I needed to be doing to show my understanding (and also to make sure I had it in the first place) - and ended up getting Distinctions for three of my last assignments, which felt amazing! And I feel good about how I did in the exam and synoptic assessment, although I won't get my grade for those until Results Day in August (annoyingly they're not giving us our results for each one, just a combined grade). Even just getting Passes would have been a real achievement for me, so I'm really chuffed, and proud of myself :)

The remote learning over the winter lockdown had its pros and cons, but it was definitely nice to get back to campus in mid-March - although it was 'go go go' for six weeks to get the remaining unit assignments done and prepare for the big synoptic assessment and revise for the exam all before half term at the end of May. After they were all finished, however, the last three weeks of term were lovely and relaxed, spent going out on site visits and doing activities we missed out on due to lockdown, and having introductions to some of the topics for next year. We went to Itchen Stoke and installed hazel faggots (giant bundles of sticks) along the river bank to help prevent further erosion. Working in the shade alongside a beautiful chalk river and going in the water (wearing albeit far too large and slightly leaky waders) on a hot sunny day was great. We went pond-dipping at the college lake. We spent a wonderful few hours at Lymington and Keyhaven Marshes, birdwatching. We visited a local farm, formerly intensive arable but now very conservation-centered, with a range of different habitats and wildlife corridors restored and teeming with returning wildlife, and buffalo grazing the flower-filled meadows. (The farmer is doing great work and more need to follow his example, but he also gave us a first-hand account of how tough it is for farmers.) We spent an hour or two at the lovely Chilbolton Common, a local Site of Special Scientific Interest that has the challenges of having a public Right of Way through it and being a very popular spot on nice summer days because you can actually get into the water, probably the only place along the river where that's possible. And on the last day of term we had a sort of treasure hunt for information all around the campus, followed by a barbecue and a game of rounders - the latter held in a field of knee-high grass dotted with cow pats, haha. 

River practical, hammering in a stake to secure the hazel faggot in place

Next year's units sound really interesting. I can't remember all of them, but they include: ecological concepts and processes, environmental science, coastal habitat management, freshwater and wetland management, deer management, greenwood crafts, and a specialist project which I am extremely daunted by! There's also an option to do a chainsaw certificate, but it costs around £400 for the PPE and the test (it'd cost a lot more doing it independently though), so you have to really want to do it, and I'm just not interested in that sort of practical work. You also have to be physically fit and strong enough to wield the things for lengths of time and drag tree trunks around the forest floor... which I'm not, hahaha. We don't have any work to do over the summer, except a bit of Species ID for a couple of tests in the first few weeks back in September: 20 dragonflies, 20 damselflies, and 25 butterflies and their larval (caterpillar) food plants.

I love what I'm learning about, and I love the learning itself. I wish I could carry on studying after the course is done, maybe go into more depth... but I've struggled enough with the work this year, and with university being mostly self-guided learning I just don't think it's an option for me. And that's fine, it isn't for everybody, even though it's widely considered to be the expected norm. I don't know what I'd like to do afterwards yet, but I enjoy the species ID and surveying so that's something to look into, and I'm doing some surveying with a local conservation charity over the summer.

Chilbolton Cow Common

This year has meant a lot for me. I've passed (well, to be confirmed, but hopefully) and done well in the course, I've returned to something I've always loved, connecting to the natural world more and understanding it better, learning and trying out new things. I'm learning to drive and it's going well. And I've made friends, in college and outside, I'm finding my people, and am getting a bit of a social life, which I'm really excited about, haha.

I've taken myself off down to Exmouth this week, my first trip away since Cornwall in October 2019, and my first fully solo one since the Lake District that August! Yay. I'm looking forward to it. The weather looks rather wet and windy, but hopefully it won't be too bad. So keep an eye out for my blog posts about this trip, coming soon! :) 

Dawn Chorus Day

Happy International Dawn Chorus Day! Yay. What a wonderful thing to celebrate. 

It's currently 5:55am. I woke up nearly an hour ago, having set my alarm for what might be considered by some to be ridiculously early for a Sunday morning - but it's worth it. I don't think there can be a better way to start the day - any day - than by being still and quiet and listening to a world filled with birdsong. 

You do have to be up early for it, though. Sunrise is around 5:30 but the sky lightens a while before then and the birds start singing even while it's still dark. Here, even by 5:30 the chorus was starting to dwindle down. Late April and early May is when the dawn chorus is at its peak, so you still have time if you'd like to hear it. Many enthusiasts go outside and take themselves off for a walk (or rather walk to somewhere they can sit quietly so as to not disturb the birds and scare them away), and I'd love to do that one day. But even though I could have gone down to the garden, I just opened my curtains and my window and listened from the comfort of my bed, sometimes standing at the window for a minute or two breathing in the fresh, cold air and gazing at the clear pastel sky and the waning half moon. If you'd like to hear the dawn chorus but can't quite bring yourself to wake up that early, check out the RSPB's Dawn Chorus Live, broadcast this morning. It had two hours of live birdsong from various locations around the country, with commentary by Chris Packham and Megan McCubbin, followed by live chat with guests.

In addition to waking up at 5am, last night I tuned in to the first hour of a special late-night broadcast celebrating nightingales, so didn't get to sleep till midnight. Those legendary night-time songsters have sadly become very rare, having declined by 90% in the last 50 years, and most of us will never hear one. The host, folk singer Sam Lee, sat in a field somewhere in Sussex with a microphone, recording the wonderful sound of the nightingales around him, interspersing their song with recorded readings by nature writers, poets, and musicians. It was lovely, a very nice thing to listen to late in the night, I'm going to listen to more of it tonight. It was the last of a trio by The Nest Collective, which can be listened to here, here, and here (no need to listen to all three unless you want to, any will do, they're very similar). They're definitely a late-night thing, when the world is quiet and you have nothing else taking your attention. The first two are each about two hours long, with the host, the sound of nightingales, and the recorded readings and gentle music. This final one was an overnight dawn chorus special, so after the first two hours the host left the microphone recording overnight, so it's just the song of the nightingales and whatever other creatures might make a sound nearby, continuing through to the dawn chorus and ending at 6am.

It was also Beltane yesterday, so Happy Beltane to any friends who mark it. I never really do anything to celebrate, but I always kind of wish I did. (Here's what I did last year.) To many modern pagans the holiday is about fertility and sexuality and fecundity, but that's never resonated with me, which may be why I never know how to celebrate. But I read an article yesterday which said that the earliest written reference to Beltane, in Ireland, is from around the year 900 and simply tells of two fires being lit and cattle being driven between them for protection from disease (and undoubtedly malicious faeries too, although that wasn't written down). At this time of year livestock are moved from winter cover to summer pastures, and crops are starting to grow and need the light and heat of the sun, so of course farmers would have wanted to do something to try and ensure their livelihoods were safe. Fire - cleansing and destructive - represents what was most important to them at this time of year, so that's what they celebrated with. Modern celebrations more stem from English May Day festivals. I haven't looked into that history, but a simple fire festival related to where we are in the wheel of the year sits well with me, even though it might be more appropriate for me, being English rather than of Irish or Scottish origin, to mark May Day rather than Beltane. I also liked what the author of the article said about fire being a particularly appropriate trope right now: we want to put much of 2020 into the flames, and safeguard against the rest of 2021.

Most of us are disconnected from the natural world and the turning of the seasons. Which... isn't good. That connection gives a real richness and meaning to life. I'd certainly like to be more in tune with it all. Getting up for the sunrise at the height of spring to immerse yourself in birdsong before the noise of the modern world really gets going, is a wonderful thing to experience. Birdsong has been part of the human psyche for as long as we have existed, it gave us clues about the land around us and was our radio until radio was invented. Thinking about it, I like the idea of, from now on, marking this height of spring by celebrating nightingales, the dawn chorus, and Beltane/May Day all together in my own way - by lighting candles in the evenings, waking up for the dawn chorus, getting outside to revel in the vibrancy of springtime, listening to some favourite fun May Day songs, and whatever else takes my fancy.

Right, I'm hungry and am going to get myself some breakfast and listen to Hal An Tow and Merry May Folk. Do consider setting your alarm for 4:30 or 5am sometime over the next few days, and have a lovely rest of this long weekend!

Earth Day 2021

Happy Earth Day!

I need to put this date in my calendar for next year, I didn't know about it until today. I'm spending the day working on an assignment for college, so don't have time to try and write something particular. However, an Earth Day email I received earlier reminded me of something I had started writing about months ago but hadn't finished and published, so I thought I would quickly edit that post and use it today.

I'd like to encourage you to listen to this exquisite song, all the way through: https://youtu.be/GyL-ZLn3omY. Just put it on, when you have some quiet time, and listen, do nothing else for those few minutes. I discovered it in early December, and it actually brought tears to my eyes, and listening to it for the first time in a while just now it still sent a chill down my spine. It's called "The Lost Words Blessing", from the album The Lost Words: Spell Songs, a project by an ensemble of musicians following the 2017 publication of The Lost Words poetry book, by nature writer Robert Macfarlane and illustrator Jackie Morris. The book is gorgeous, and was created in response to the increasing disappearance of nature-related words from children's vocabulary, particularly the removal of a large number of such words from a prominent children's dictionary - acorn, bluebell, dandelion, wren, otter, kingfisher, hazel, heather, fern, heron, moss, ivy, lark, blackberry, grey seal, and more. As Robert Macfarlane said - "Names... can help us see and they help us care. We find it hard to love what we cannot give a name to. And what we do not love we will not save." It is a celebration and a protest. While I haven't listened to the whole album yet, this song is just as gorgeous as the book, with both beauty and sadness. One review I read summed it up well: "It is offered both in hope and light, and in grief for the losses yet to come." Here are the lyrics.

If you enjoy reading, I would also recommend the following:

• Back to Nature: How to Love Life and Save It - Chris Packham and Megan McCubbin
• The Stubborn Light of Things: A Nature Diary - Melissa Harrison (the author has other nature-related books, and a podcast of the same name)
• Diary of a Young Naturalist - Dara McAnulty
• Wilding - Isabella Tree (about the rewilding of the Knepp Estate)
• The Shepherd's Life: A Tale of the Lake District - James Rebanks (he also has other books I just haven't read them yet)
• I Am the Seed That Grew the Tree: A Nature Poem for Every Day of the Year - collected by Fiona Waters
• Anything by Robert Macfarlane, Roger Deakin, Sir David Attenborough
• Anything that can be found in the Nature section of a bookshop, far too many to mention

Lastly - please leave the dandelions alone! They are brilliant for bees. Our society has an obsession with neat, tidy, trimmed lawns which are free of anything that isn't grass. So-called weeds are pulled up or, worse, sprayed with poisonous chemical herbicides. Unless they are a known non-native invasive species, resist this urge! Dandelions, clover, daisies, and buttercups (and more) are native wildflowers which provide food for pollinators, those most vital of creatures. See what other flowers you can see growing in the grass (they'll likely be tiny!) and use a plant ID app, such as Plantsnap, to put a name to them. Also, in spring, resist tidying garden plants until the weather is steadily warm and night-time temperatures are consistently above freezing; again, "weeds" and last year's growth can provide much-needed shelter for invertebrates and small mammals coming out of hibernation. Take part in No Mow May. There's absolutely nothing wrong with letting things get a little unruly; in fact, your local wildlife would love you for it.

Right, I'm off to try and get a bit more done on this hedgerow survey report!

Reflecting on the past year

It's been a little over a year now since the first Covid-19 lockdown began in the UK, and I recently had my second birthday in a row under those restrictions, so - as the country starts to open up again for what is hopefully the last time - I wanted to write something about my experience of the past year. 

In March 2020 I was sharing a flat with my sister in Southampton, had been made redundant a few weeks before at the end of February, and was planning to do a few months of temp work before leaving the city when the tenancy on the flat expired in early August. I'd then spend three months doing volunteer work exchange on small organic farms around the country - helping out in return for meals and accommodation, the 'WWOOFing' that I did in Canada. I wanted to take the opportunity to do something different after four and a half years in entry-level admin jobs, and my sister wanted her own place.

Instead, I remained unemployed. Thankfully I was eligible for enough Universal Credit to cover my share of the rent and bills, so I spent last spring and summer entirely at leisure. It didn't bother me that that leisure time had to be spent at home; I'm a homebody, and was lucky to be living in a nice place. Something I noticed pretty early on, and was grateful for, was that some of my introvert and autistic traits which have meant I've always struggled socially, and the things I've learned because of those struggles, were, at this time, actually allowing me to easily cope with the enforced isolation that so many people were finding incredibly difficult. ...I'm actually feeling quite emotional thinking about that right now.

I took full advantage of our being allowed to go out for daily exercise and went for a nice long walk every day, along the mile-long beach a five-minute walk away and around the nature reserve at the other end. I started taking notice of what was around me on those walks, especially all the flowers and plants that were springing up, and taking photos of those things - hundreds of photos over the months. My mostly-smartphone point-and-shoot nature photography is now another creative outlet for me, and something my family and friends enjoy seeing when I periodically upload some to Facebook. I learned to identify some of the flowers and plants I was seeing, and some birds by sight or song or both. I read, I embroidered, I did jigsaw puzzles, I danced, I watched nature-related livestreams, I tried to make elderflower cordial and cinnamon buns. I definitely wish I'd scrolled through social media far less and read books far more, and part of me wishes I'd cooked more things I love to eat, and at least learned a little bit of Italian. But generally, I ignore the voice that tells me I should have done more with all that free time. It's been a year of collective stress, fear, and trauma, and what matters is getting through that. I was content, safe, and healthy, and needed a break from our society's obsession with productivity.

One thing I very quickly noticed was the absence of my depression. A major cause of it is, to put it briefly, the way we live in this modern western society. I've always hated, with a passion, the hamster wheel way of life that we're taught to put up with, of having to work any job, even if it makes us miserable, just to be able to survive and live with dignity, usually filling other people's pockets and exhausting ourselves. And the world is largely biased towards extroverts - it's busy, noisy, crowded, fast-paced, very social, and introverts like me are expected to keep up. Not having to live like that - not spending my days in a job I'm unhappy in, not commuting, not having the pressure of needing to apply for jobs, being able to live a slow and quiet life - was an utter relief. With that weight lifted off my shoulders, I could just stop and exhale and rest and be. The world was going at my pace for a change.

The thought of going back to living that way filled me with dread, and, although it became clear that the WWOOFing wasn't going to happen, I still wanted to take the opportunity to do something different, and something related to nature and working on the land. So in June I did something I should have done years ago - applied to do a full-time college course covering ecology, conservation, and countryside management, starting in September. When the tenancy on the flat ended I moved back in with my mum and stepdad in Andover. 

I am ever so fortunate and grateful that they're willing and able to support me while I'm studying, I wouldn't be able to do it otherwise. But I'm further away from my friends, and the public transport links aren't great, so even when Covid restrictions are fully lifted, I'll still be restricted. This town is pretty rubbish, there's not much here for me. In December I gritted my teeth and finally started learning to drive, and got on well, but then lockdown #3 put a four-month pause on that after just a few lessons. I miss my old walking route. My younger sister has bought her own flat - about which I am absolutely super proud of and happy for her - but I'm back living with and dependent on my mum, and I'm sad that it'll be years yet before I can afford to buy (or frankly even rent) my own place, if ever. Also, the lack of social contact for a year means that, with restrictions easing, I'm feeling nervous about meeting up with people again. You can't build or maintain muscle strength without regular exercise, and my naturally-low social skills - making conversation, asking questions of others to get to know them, connecting with people, feeling confident that I'm enjoyable company - have had very little practice for an entire year.

Despite the inevitable downsides that come with change, I'm still in the best place I could be right now. I'm where I need to be, doing something that's right for me. In March last year I was desperate to change my way of life, and connect to nature more, and I'm definitely doing that. There are a few places I can go for walks here, even if they're not as nice or extensive as Weston Shore and Westwood, and a few people I know nearby who I can meet up with. My older sister and nephews live a short walk away. Although the town itself is rubbish, there's lovely countryside around, and farm shops, and other things I like. We have a lovely garden where I can watch the birds and the hedgehogs, gaze at the plants and smell the flowers, and will be attempting to grow some vegetables. 

Applying to college was without a doubt the best decision, the right move, and hopefully it will set me up for more of those, and eventually a career doing work that I love. It's not easy, I'm not interested in all of it, no good at using tools and machinery, and I get really stressed over the assignments, but overall I do enjoy it and it's so much better than the alternative. My classmates are lovely and friendly (and frankly I admire some of them), and although being a decade older than most of them, and autistic, means I'm not as social as I'd like to be, I'm not lonely as I was my first time around in college ten years ago. I have no idea what I want to do after the course finishes yet, but I'll find something.

I do wonder how much things will change, or whether most people will return to old habits. Many people have connected more with the natural world over the last year and I wonder whether that will remain and how much of a beneficial impact that will have. But we've also seen the astonishingly disgusting indifference of so many others, as evidenced by all the litter left on beaches and in the countryside when we have been allowed out. Working from home has been proven to work perfectly well in many cases, and people have really relished the extra quality time they have; will employers keep that going, allowing staff of all levels to work from home for at least part of every week, and more flexible working? Will people working for employers who could do that but won't, object and demand it? Local independent food shops have done well over the past year, with many people preferring to visit a small greengrocer, butchers, bakery, deli, or farm shop nearby rather than travel to a busy supermarket; will most of those customers stay loyal, and keep those businesses thriving? Has the reliance on arts, culture, and hospitality to keep our spirits up during the pandemic - online gigs, virtual tours, takeaway food - made people realise just how valuable the skills and talents are of those who work in those industries, and stop thinking that being an artist of whatever type is lesser than working in an office? Will all the people who had to go on benefits (or couldn't get them and struggled) or use food banks, and those who know them, fight for a better social safety net? Has it made people better appreciate the workers who have been always been key but often taken for granted and always low paid, will everyone show them more respect from now on and back their calls for the higher pay they deserve? Are people who clapped every Thursday last spring joining in the fight for an NHS payrise and against further funding cuts and privatisation? Has it made more people think about workers rights, paid sick leave, and universal broadband access? Has it made people realise the real need for everyone to have access to quality green spaces within walking distance of where they live, and work to make that a reality? Has the housing of the homeless over the pandemic made people think about the need to end homelessness and poverty and how to do that? Has the not being able to go shopping for months, delivery disruption for online orders, and skyrocketing shareholder profits for online retailers made people think about consumerism, the huge global supply chain, and Buying British a bit more? Will people now, when they're ill with a cold or something else infectious, work from home, or wear a mask to the shop? ...There's so much. So much that needs to change. My natural pessimism and passion for social justice has meant that all the events of the past 12+ months, which have highlighted many inequalities, injustices, and broken systems, have made me deeply afraid and angry beyond words. We have seen some of the best of humanity, and some of the worst. I feel guilty that I don't contribute more. I hope one day I'm in a place where I do.

(Well that was an awfully long paragraph, sorry!)

So. This year has been crazy, a global storm with everyone in different vessels. For many it has been unimaginably horrible and difficult. I have been one of the lucky ones, fortunate enough to spend it in security and comfort. As an introvert I have loved the silver lining that has been the slower, quieter, more peaceful pace of life, and am not the only one not entirely looking forward to the return to "normal". With the absence of my depression, and the changes in my life for the better, this has genuinely been the happiest year of my life. It could have very easily been different. And now it's spring again. Restrictions are easing, this part of the world is getting greener, the sun is warm, the birds are singing, and I'm enjoying buying myself a 99p bunch of bright daffodils from the supermarket every week for a few months.

As always, thank you very much for staying with me if you have made it this far and read the whole thing! Please do Like the post on Facebook, or comment or message, it means a lot knowing that people are interested/have read it and I love hearing your thoughts. What have your experiences of the last year been, really? Lastly - take care, stay safe, don't go out and do more than you're comfortable with as the world reopens, and reach out to friends and family or specialist organisations if your mental health is struggling.

Thoughts from March 2020

Hello! Happy Spring! It's been a long time, hasn't it? Another couple of months since my last post. Apologies. I'm currently working on one reflecting on the past year, and while I hope to have that done asap, I just scrolled down to look at the posts I made last year (so that I don't reuse photos) and found one written just before the first lockdown, which I hadn't published. I guess I considered it unfinished and/or uninteresting. Overthinking as usual. But now it seems fine to me, it'll do; I haven't changed a word. It's interesting to see what I was thinking about then and where I am now. I guess it's basically a journal entry, a letter to nobody in particular. So here you go, some of my thoughts from early March 2020...

--

It's a mild and dry Saturday afternoon and the country has not yet gone into lockdown over Coronavirus, but I'm sat indoors in my pyjamas... probably not the best thing, perhaps I should be making the most of the freedom of movement and go to the cinema or the shops or something, but it's what I feel like doing right now. It's been a tiring week.

My depression has returned over the last few months, making me realise I need to change my way of life and not just get another job, otherwise it's just going to go in circles. I read a book last year - The Lost Connections, by Johann Hari - that explained how depression is largely caused by disconnection from a number of important things including meaningful work, other people, the natural world, meaningful values, and a hopeful and secure future. It really made sense to me and rang true for my life, and I need to do more to better my connections with those things.

I was made redundant from my job a couple of weeks ago. It's a small company which hasn't been doing well recently and needed to cut costs, and I wasn't surprised - in the year I was there, it was always very quiet and I had very little work to do, particularly in the last few months. So I actually saw it as a positive, and decided to take the opportunity to do something interesting and live my life a bit. Instead of looking for another full-time permanent office job, I'm going to do temp work until August when the tenancy on the flat ends, then leave Southampton and go help out on farms for a while :) I'm desperate to connect to nature more; to wake up and hear birdsong, to look out the window and see trees and grass and flowers and other plants, to learn how to grow herbs and vegetables and fruit and preserve produce for storage, to learn about horticulture and ecology and permaculture and regenerative agriculture and more - and to meet other people who are into all that too, like-minded souls.

I've just completed my first week of temp work, at a florist relay company which takes orders from around the world and finds a UK florist to make and deliver it locally, like Interflora but not. Mother's Day is one of their busiest times of year so they needed a few people to come in just for two weeks to help out with the extra workload. Unfortunately, my autistic self has not been able to get my head around the processes at all, and I've emailed the temp agency to let them know I don't feel able to go back next week because of that. Part of me feels bad, especially because for some reason I was the only one of the three temps to stay beyond the first two days, but if I can't do something I can't do it, I would be of zero use to them, and I don't want to stress myself out any longer unnecessarily. It would have paid enough to cover a month's rent so it's a shame I'll only be getting half of that, but my old job will be paying me this month as a sort of redundancy compensation, so thankfully April's rent and bills will be covered.

Although leaving home at 6:55 each morning in order to start work at 8:30 wasn't lovely, getting to explore Romsey a bit was nice. I've never been there before, despite it being so close to where I've spent most of my life. It's a lovely little town! My lunchtime walks were spent moseying down quiet residential streets lined with pretty houses, trees, and gardens full of flowers and birdsong, and sitting in the Abbey grounds (although it was cold!). The Abbey itself is beautiful, and was a wonderful much-needed oasis of calm and peace. I'm not religious but love churches. There's something strangely comforting, familiar, and grounding about walking around supermarkets, too. Especially if it's first thing in the morning and it's only just opened and the other customers are mostly pensioners.

I'd like to read more. As much I love books, I don't actually do much reading anymore, I used to read every day and haven't done that in a long time. My sister was recently shocked when I said I've never read a Roald Dahl book. There's a lot I haven't read, and I'd like to change that. I saw a nice post on Facebook this morning which made me smile, listing places you can go even if you're on lockdown: Narnia, Middle-earth, Hogwarts, Asgard, a galaxy far far away, Earthsea, Lansquenet-sous-Tannes... :D The choices are endless, and that's just fiction. While this coronavirus pandemic is not a good thing, maybe it'll be an opportunity do more reading.

One of spring's simple pleasures - lovely daffodils

A fortnight in February

I nearly didn't post this as I thought it's quite long, but what the heck, I don't have anything else to post at the moment! It's just a little journal. 

Monday 1st Feb 2021

    Finished my Countryside Recreation assignment after spending the last week on it, literally about five days worth of time. It's two days before the deadline, but I have another assignment due next week and a mock exam, so no rest. 

    Feeling a bit down and lonely this evening. 

Tue 2nd

    Woke up, did 10 minutes of qigong and 10 minutes of 'Yoga with Adriene' first thing, which was a nice and good way to start the day. Watched Sunday's 'Self Isolating Bird Club' over breakfast. Both lessons today ended up being cancelled so that was very nice. I switched my laptop on to do a final check of my assignment and submit it, so made a start on the Machinery task we'd been set in place of the lecture, and got most of it done while the laundry load I'd put on was going, but when that finished I switched off the laptop to have the afternoon off after a busy week. Went for a little walk round the woods after lunch. So many snowdrops!

Wednesday 3rd

    A friend talking about learning to play the tongue drum has got me wanting to play the bodhran. Have wanted to for years. I looked up how-to videos on YouTube and found one by an Irish musician based in London who runs a 6-week online course, live via Zoom, for £55. Very tempted. I've loved the bodhran for years but any musical instrument is going to be tricky to learn, and noisy! The noise factor is off putting. And would I actually enjoy playing it on its own more than listening to it being played well? 

    I should make a list of things I'd like to do in my life, like learn to play the bodhran and learn Italian and learn to make certain foods/dishes.

Thurs 4th

Barely got anything done on my assignment today. But I guess something is better than nothing. 

1:30am - just drifting off to sleep when my brain decides to conjure up thoughts of getting the vaccine and I'm suddenly awake and freaking out, like actually shaking. Feck off please brain!!! Why oh why can't they be taken orally, why does my phobia have to be needles. Gaaaah! Random thought of memorising a recipe or two, something that I can recite out loud in situations like that to concentrate on and maybe calm me down. Or the colours of Joseph's Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat. 

Fri 5th

    Usual Friday, full day of online lessons. Did some more practice exam questions, did well, not so great on the long-answer one but realised something I can do to maybe do better. 
    Saw a video on YouTube of a TikTok sea shanty collaboration. Loved it, very cool! I'd seen a sea shanty craze mentioned but nothing specific on my Facebook feed. I now know that's because it's a TikTok thing. I don't have TikTok, might have to download it just for the sea shanties haha. 
    Talked myself out of learning the bodhrán, at least for now. 1) I'm doing a full-time college course which I'm still unorganised about and not on top of. 2) I've also started learning to drive, and will resume when lessons are allowed to go ahead again. 3) I haven't even started studying driving theory yet, which I really should be. 4) I've wanted to learn instruments before and have given them up, or not really started learning them in the first place: flute, electronic keyboard, Irish tin whistle. (And actually that goes for more than just instruments.) While learning a rhythm instrument might be different to/possibly easier for some people than a melody instrument, I still have a feeling my success/longevity in trying to learn the bodhrán would likely be no different. 5) I still haven't learned to use the DSLR camera I got last year, so I should do that before doing something new. And there are other things I could do with my free time that I don't. 6) It's a drum, it'd be loud and noisy.
    Watched "The Dig" on Netflix in the evening, very good film, and interesting. I don't really know anything about Sutton Hoo. 

Sat 6th

Annoyingly unproductive day. But saw a kingfisher! On the walk back from Asda. Not closely, but still cool, not seen one before. Got myself a bunch of daffodils, yay. And ordered curry for dinner, I got dal makhani and only had half so can have the rest for lunch tomorrow, yum. Watched Ocean's Eight and Queer Eye :) Had that sea shanty from yesterday, "The Wellerman", in my head all day.

Sun 7th

I finished my previous assignment last Monday evening, so have had six days to work on the one due in at the end of next Friday, but have got nowhere. I don't know why, it's so frustrating. But I also have a mock exam on Wednesday so I need to spend the next two days revising for that, which leaves me only two more days to work on the assignment. Argh!

Mon 8th

A bit of fine powdery snow this morning. Bitterly cold. I put some bird seed out on the bird table, and some mealworms in one of the feeders. Haven't done so for ages because of the rats, but haven't seen them for a while now. But the new feeder Mum got for her birthday has had a massive hole chewed in it by the squirrels because that's the only place they could get food here, so sadly that's now destroyed. I took one of the other squirrel-proof feeders down to clean it. A red kite flew low overhead while I was out there! The robin got to the food on the bird table quickly. A magpie wanted to, once I was back inside, and jumped onto it but for some reason jumped straight back off, maybe the table roof bit was a bit low for it. A squirrel got there eventually and of course stayed there for ages. A poor little blue tit wanted to get to the food but couldn't.

Tue 9th

    Still trying to snow today, fine flakes drifting about, weird dry, hard, grainy stuff I haven't seen before. Doesn't really stick together on the ground, and gets pushed along by the wind like little balls of polystyrene.

    The mock exam tomorrow is now an open-book test! Yay, that makes it so much better. I can learn that way. Countryside Recreation session was interesting, not a proper session as the tutor didn't want to fry our brains just before the test; he mentioned a news article he'd seen this morning about lynx being reintroduced to Scotland and discussed that for a while - the positives and negatives socially, economically and ecologically. Said that they hope next year they'll be able to take us to the Knepp Estate! That would be amazing. He also mentioned the recent news about grey squirrel control through contraceptives, which is interesting.

    The sun came out as the lesson finished so I went out for a walk round the woods. Sunshine didn't last long at all, but it was good to get out, even if it was freezing. Saw two red kites flying (and being chased by crows) together overhead!

Wed 10th

    Test started two unsuccessful attempts and an hour later than planned due to technical issues, poor tutor. Out of 56, I'm only confident on 13 marks. Most of the questions I'll only get the odd mark for, I either didn't complete them or I'm not sure that I answered the question properly. The short 1/2/3 mark answers are fine, but most were "Explain..." ones. I can list facts, and understand things in my head, but I can't put things into words, and being able to do that is crucial to properly learning and understanding. It's half term next week so I'm now halfway through my first year on this course (!) but I'm still unorganised, still not on top of it. I'll spend some time in half term working on my notes, and make myself create a schedule/daily routine/timetable, and talk to the learning support team after the break.

    The Confucius Institute at the University of Wales Trinity Saint David is looking for volunteers to take part in a study by practising Qigong three times a week for eight weeks, starting on the 20th. Very tempted. It's something I've been interested in trying and it would get me into the habit of a regular exercise. 

Thu 11th

    Cute kitty paw prints in the snow on the deck this morning! Plus bird ones, and later some I think were probably squirrel ones. 

    Didn't get very far with the assignment, so have a lot to do tomorrow to get it done by the end of the day. 

    Loved "Jay's Virtual Pub Quiz" tonight! One giant connections round. Five rounds of different topics as normal but all 49 answers were linked, and I got it on question 12: all mentioned in Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire". Love that song (although I don't know as much by heart without the music as I do when I'm singing along to it), it was a brilliant idea and I'm buzzing, haha. And of course the song is in my head now when I want to sleep. Got 36 overall out of 50.

Fri 12th

Started my day with dancing! Had to get up early (earlier than usual anyway) as the plumber was coming at 8am. Got up at 7 as everyone else left for work/supermarket and for whatever reason felt like starting my day with some music and dance. It was good :) I then spent the rest of it trying to finish my Heathlands assignment. I got something down for every part of it, but it's unfinished, undoubtedly the worst piece of work I've done so far.

Ooh there's a documentary on BBC 2 tonight on a new discovery about the Welsh origins of Stonehenge! Basically the bluestones were not just quarried from the Preseli Hills but were made into a stone circle there, before being dismantled, moved, and rebuilt on Salisbury Plain a few hundred years later. Will have to watch it! Update: Wow! Fascinating, SO cool, really exciting! A huge discovery that really adds to our understanding. Wow :D

Sat 13th

Sister's moving day! So had a legal trip down to Southampton. I took the opportunity to go for a walk along the beach and around the nature reserve, the route I did every day during last spring and summer and have been missing these last six months since moving. The new moon was a couple of days ago so high tide is around lunchtime at the moment, which worked out well, I went out after lunch. It's nicest when the tide is in. Was bitterly cold still and windy, especially on the beach, but I was well wrapped up in multiple layers and my warmest coat and ended up being out for three hours. Was so nice to be back there, and to get some sea air and watch/listen to the waves. The woods look so different in winter! A lot of scrub/bramble has been removed from the old wartime building foundations so they're fully visible now, including one I had no idea was there. The spot I used to sit, mostly hidden from the path by plant growth, is fully open now. But bluebell shoots are starting to come up! It was cool to go there and suddenly understand more of what was around me, too, from what I'm learning at college. I was able to recognise trees and plants, and noticed there's some heathland-like habitat there, with sandy soils, heather, different types of gorse, and broom. I would have liked to go further into the reserve to the grasslands properly but I've only been that far once and don't know my way round, so didn't want to get lost and be out for hours more. We ordered Wagamama for dinner, I got teriyaki chicken donburi, yum!

Sun 14th

    Back to Southampton to finish the move-in. I didn't actually help very much again haha. Rainy today, but thankfully I did manage to get out for another walk, just an hour along the beach late afternoon. The tide was going out and the mud starting to show, but that meant the wading birds were there and I like to see them. Gulls of course, and oystercatchers, some crows, some which - after looking in my ID guide - I'm going to say were turnstones, and another couple of small birds on the shingle, one of which kind of looked like a dunnock but wasn't and the other of which similar but had a black head and a white collar... from my ID guide I'd say they were a pair of Reed buntings, but I don't know if they're found on the coast! There are small patches of wetland nearby, in the woods, so it's possible. 

    Tired. Half term now. Movie day tomorrow I think!

    As for Valentine's Day, I have no strong feelings about it either way. Over the last couple of years I've decided to see it as a day celebrating love, in all its forms, not just romantic love. In the words of the fabulous Jonathan Van Ness, "So today if you're celebrating your friends, your partner, or maybe you're celebrating loving your DAMN FOINE SELF!! They're all valid and worth celebrating ❤️" ...Pancake Day, on the other hand - now that I am excited about! #priorities haha