I had hoped to be finishing my first week of a two-year full-time course in Land & Wildlife Management at Sparsholt College today, but seeing as I never heard a single word back from them about my application, despite many attempts at chasing over the weeks preceding the start of term, that is sadly not the case. Boo.
I don't know why. I was told by the Admissions team at the end of July, a month after I applied, that my application had been sent to the relevant curriculum team and I just had to wait to hear from them. Nada. My numerous attempts at phoning a few different numbers all kept ringing out, and all my emails to two different email addresses went completely unacknowledged. On Wednesday last week, as a last resort, I even commented on one of the college's Facebook posts and the Marketing Team responded saying they'd forward my details to Admissions and ask them to get back to me, but that still resulted in nothing. I can understand my application accidentally being forgotten about in the stress and confusion of fewer staff working during coronavirus and in the summer break and then GCSE results... but all of my emails getting missed or forgotten about too? It's completely ridiculous and inexplicable, I don't know what on earth has happened.
Of course, I'm annoyed and disappointed. The course was Land & Wildlife Management, covering things like conservation, ecology, surveying, habitat management, and lots more. Even if I don't know that I want a career in that field, I'd thoroughly enjoy finding out - spending two years learning about things that I love and am passionate about, learning new and valuable skills, spending a lot of time outdoors in countryside settings, etc. It'd definitely be out of my comfort zone, both in terms of studying and socially, but in a good way, a positive challenge that would help me grow in new ways. The thought of it was weird and daunting but exciting!
But, nope. So it's back to square one. I can apply again next year if I still want to, but what to do now? I don't know. I've been feeling down more often than not this last week and, honestly, I have cried and screamed today. I really, desperately wanted to do something different and have a break from the conventional life for a year or two because it has been a direct and significant cause of my depression and anxiety. I absolutely dread having to go back to it.
A big part of me feels that the conventional life is not for me and that I belong in the countryside, spending a lot of my time outside and working on the land, growing vegetables and things, living a slow and quiet life, being busy and productive in a way that means something to me and I find value in. I would love to go and live on a farm or a commune or an ecovillage or some sort of sustainability-minded intentional community, but to do something like that still requires you to have full-time work to be able to pay rent and own and maintain a car. Plan A after getting made redundant was to spend a few months doing volunteering on small organic farms found through websites like WWOOF and HelpX - volunteering in exchange for accomodation and food. When it became clear that Covid was putting a damper on that, Plan B was the college course. I could still do both of those things, and take steps to find out whether moving to a commune or whatever is something I really want to do, but right now I can't.
I don't belong here in Andover. I have a comfortable home here with my mum and stepdad, and my older sister and nephews live a five-minute walk away, but the town sucks, the job market is poor even in normal circumstances, it's difficult to get anywhere without a car, and I know nobody else here, my friends are all elsewhere. It's definitely not the best place for me. It's probably not the best time to go trying somewhere new, looking around the country for what towns and cities might be a more "me" place, so it'll have to be Southampton or Winchester (unless anyone thinks otherwise?). Southampton is familiar and convenient, but again I don't really feel I belong there, it's not really my kind of place, but maybe it would be best for now. I love Winchester and there are two councils based there so might be a bit better for jobs (rather than more private sector jobs in Soton), and I think there are more green spaces I can go for walks, but it's an expensive city and it's harder to find housing. So goodness knows. I'm awful at making decisions.
I'm also scared that I wouldn't find work. We're in a massive recession and heading into a jobs crisis, and I'm far from the pick of the crop. My only experience is in retail and entry-level admin jobs, and I suck at face-to-face and on-the-phone interaction and general customer service stuff. In the last few months I've given a bit of thought to what my strengths are and so what it would be good to develop my skills in, but taking courses to upskill or retrain costs money. (The college course would have been covered by a student loan, but you can't get those for general professional development courses, as far as I'm aware.) But I'm currently on Universal Credit and they're starting to reintroduce commitments and sanctions, so if I don't hurry up and find a job that's at least partly my choice and I feel I can put up with, the decision will be made for me and I'll have to apply for everything and take the first thing I'm offered.
(Can we hurry up and have a revolution please? Get rid of the billionaires and corrupt powerful people etc and create a far more just and pleasant world to live in? Please. PLEASE. No? Shame. Then I need therapy, and lots of it.)
I know these last six months have been tough for everyone in different ways, and I am grateful that I and my family have been very lucky and come through it largely unaffected. And I know I overthink, and am by nature a pessimist, and maybe I should be going out for a walk or at least sitting in the garden with a book rather than writing this. But bottling things up and worrying and getting stressed and trying to figure things out on my own is, I know from experience, the exact opposite of beneficial. I find it really difficult to verbalise and have conversations about things that are bothering me, and writing is the way I do that, writing is how I process and communicate, how I let other people know what's going on with me. So, if you've got this far, thank you for reading, and I would actually be really grateful for any advice, suggestions, ideas, encouragement, Stoic philosophy wisdom, etc., or even just a "Yep, me too!" or similar, if any of you lovely readers have any.
Comfort food and curling up to watch a nice film for me tonight. I hope everyone is well and has a nice weekend :)
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Update 15th Sep: The college finally contacted me and I've been accepted onto the course! See following post.
