Science behind the health benefits of nature

It feels a bit weird to be making a post just before Christmas / around the winter solstice, and for it to be a topic I could post at any other time of year. I feel like I should be writing about the symbolism of the solstice, and how it's a time to rest and reflect and face the darkness and wait for the light to return. I even feel, with all the rubbish news around and people struggling so much at the moment, that perhaps I shouldn't post anything at all. But I haven't planned anything like the former, got this written pretty quickly for a change and would like to publish it, and, well, perhaps this little post will help someone, be a small pleasant distraction or an encouragement to get out for a walk or something.

I'm sure everyone reading this is at least vaguely aware that being outside in nature is good for us. It boosts our mood, reduces stress, improves ability to focus, etc. What's less understood is why that is. Well, research is beginning to tell us! I've long been interested in science, and more recently in how the brain works, and when in a recent college Group Tutorial session we were asked to create a short presentation on a topic we were interested in (but that was at least vaguely related to the course), this sprung to mind. And I thought it'd be a nice blog post, too.

Back in the spring lockdown, every morning I tuned into the Facebook Live 'Self-Isolating Bird Club' broadcasts by Chris Packham and his zoologist step-daughter Megan McCubbin. A guest they had on a few times was Emma Mitchell, a nature-lover with chronic depression who trained as a biologist. She's fascinated by how nature makes us feel better, and shared some of the science behind it. The research is all fairly recent, scientists are only just beginning to understand and there's a lot more we don't know the mechanisms behind yet. But it's so interesting. So... 

Exposure to green spaces, plants, and water does lots of things:

• boosts the immune system
• lowers heart rate and blood pressure
• reduces stress
• improves mood
• increases ability to focus
• accelerates recovery from surgery or illness
• increases energy level
• improves sleep

I'll start with phytoncides. In layman's terms - plant oils. They are airborne chemicals released by plants to fend off pests and disease, and will just be floating around in the air around you whenever you're within a couple of feet of some plants. When humans breathe in phytoncides, two things happen:

• heart rate and blood pressure lower
• cortisol (stress hormone) reduces

So we feel slightly more positive when we're among plants. Even indoor plants can make a difference, they still give off those oils. Herbs are actually great for this - rub them between your fingertips and inhale the glorious scent. You'll get a hit of phytoncides, and a hit of dopamine (a feel-good hormone) from enjoying the scent. Anxiety also reduces when we're around plants.

Phytoncides also have an effect on our immune system. Our bodies respond to them by increasing production of 'natural killer cells' - a type of white blood cell which helps kill off cells infected with viruses or tumors. 

And it's not just plants on land; chemicals given off by marine life have been shown to help reduce allergies and asthma.

Now onto the soil. Soil contains a type of beneficial bacteria, which activates groups of neurons (nerve cells in the brain) responsible for producing serotonin. Serotonin is a hormone which helps us feel good. Low levels of it contribute to depression. The bacteria also activates neurons related to our immune response. So if you're digging in the garden or topping up the soil in a plant pot, rub your hands in that good clean dirt, bring them to your nose, and breathe in deep! I'll leave it to your judgement about doing that when outdoors elsewhere, haha.

Water! Even sitting by an urban fountain for a while can be beneficial, if you can't get to a stream, lake, or the sea. As with phytoncides, water has a few effects. The sound of water reduces cortisol levels. Seeing water dials down our fight-or-flight response, calms us down a bit. And looking at water, where there's very little going on, gives our brain a little break from the almost-constant visual stimulation we are subjected to and surrounded by in our modern lives. There's also something called the Mammalian Dive Reflex, which among other things means that when our faces are submerged in cold water and we're holding our breath, our heart rate slows. So next time you're feeling a bit worked up, maybe fill your bathroom basin with cold water, take a deep breath, and plunge your face into it for as long as you can. Even if you're in a public bathroom, you could still probably benefit from holding your breath and splashing cold water on your face a few times.

A few last points:

• the colour green makes us feel more positive
• patterns in nature (symmetry, spirals, fractals, waves, etc.) - our brains are drawn to these and react positively to them
• natural sounds, especially birdsong, has been shown to be more relaxing than meditation apps (check out the RSPB Birdsong Radio!)
• seeing, hearing, watching wildlife gives us a spark of joy - and a hit of dopamine

So. As in all aspects of life, even the little things can make a difference. Getting out into green spaces - even just a city park - is so important. If you have any outdoor space, put some potted plants in there. If you don't, then get some houseplants, or windowsill herbs. Have photos of trees and landscapes and water you can look at. Go for walks. Sit by a fountain. Listen to birdsong. Rub your hands in the soil and let it run through your fingers. Go wild swimming. Look up and around and take notice, see the patterns and symmetry and the strong little plants pushing through the cracks in the paving stones. If you have a garden, have a go at making some of it wildlife-friendly by bringing in native species of plants - that'll increase your chances of seeing wildlife and therefore of a little dopamine. Nature can be a real healer. Don't underestimate the power of seemingly small, simple things.

Piecaramba!

Had a lovely dinner out this evening with my family. We went to a little independent place in Winchester called Piecaramba! (The exclamation mark is part of the name.) 

It opened four years ago, in October 2016, and it's been far too long since I've been there, a couple of years at least. I love it partly because the food is amazing, but also because it's associated with some relatively early social times, when I was living and working in Winchester and starting to be a bit more social and make friends. I went there a number of times with my housemates and their wider circle of friends, and my work colleagues from my first full-time job. I was pleased to see it's still the same, casual and quirky, the walls covered in nerdy stuff like comic book images and film posters. It's small, with four tables in at the moment, but even before Covid there were only seven or so. It's been popular from the start, and does well, but it's nice that the owners haven't started a big chain or gone to larger premises or sold themselves to a larger company, they've kept their vibe and ethos and have for now chosen to just keep doing what they do well. They opened one in Southampton in late 2017 and then a third one in Brighton in late 2019, both still small, and have food stalls at festivals and cater for weddings. The Brighton one fell victim to Covid-caused loss of footfall in August, but happily they partnered with a local pub and have based themselves there since, so people can still get their pies.

I also love that they specialise in just one type of food - pie and mash. There's a wide variety of choices on the menu and they're all amazing. (Not that I've tried more than a few - I'm the sort of person who tends to go for dishes I know I love and have an opportunity to enjoy, rather than trying something new, unless it sounds amazing). It's all sooo tasty and great quality. I usually go for either the Sweetie Pie (used to be called the Heidi Pie - sweet potato, roasted garlic, and goat's cheese), or the Woolverine (lamb in redcurrant & red wine gravy with garlic and rosemary). But tonight I opted for one of their Christmas specials, the Hogmanay - hog roast, spiced apple sauce, and sage & onion stuffing! With cheesy mash, chilli-mint mushy peas, and onion gravy. Oh and it came with crispy crackling on top! Yum, all delicious! As always, it was super filling, and I had to leave some of the mash and pastry, haha. And I even had a cider too, instead of just water! :) (For those who don't know, I very rarely drink.) I did get a cherry pie to take away, though, to have for dessert after tomorrow's roast. Looking forward to that!

Pie, mash, and mushy peas, with a little glass of cider

It was also nice to get dressed up a little. It's a casual place, but it still felt like a bit of a special occasion, I was looking forward to it and wanted to feel good, so I put on my favourite jumper (which I haven't worn since last winter because I live in my hoody at home and have barely been anywhere else this year), my favourite ring (I very rarely wear jewellery), a bobble hat (obviously only for walking to and from the car), and a long thick cardigan/light jacket thing I got back in August but couldn't find anything it looked okay with (glad I have now!). Plus black skinny jeans and my lovely comfy winter boots. It was still a fairly casual look, but I liked it :) 

Selfie

I must go to Piecaramba and Winchester more often. And I need to go to Tom's Deli, a just-as-small Italian deli and restaurant that I've been to only once. 

...I can't believe I've written so much just about a restaurant, haha.

Garden diary, one November weekend

Thursday 19th - I go out into the garden first thing to feed the birds, even before I've fed myself for some reason. It's sunny but cold. Wonderfully, a robin comes and lands on the bird feeder hook right next to me as I'm putting feed on the bird table. I freeze and smile and say hello, and it stares at me for a few moments before flying up onto the fence behind it, still only a foot or so away. It flies down to the bird table a few times while I'm still there, hovering for a moment before landing, to snatch one of the little pink fat pellets I've noticed it prefers. So cute!

I hear the contact calls of long-tailed tits and turn towards the trees, and happily manage to catch a glimpse of them flitting along. Long-tailed tits are one of my favourite birds, simply because they are ever so cute. They're absolutely tiny, fluffy and round like those little craft pom-poms, with a pinkish colour, and a long tail which makes them look like flying spoons. They're very social birds and hang around in groups, huddling together for warmth at night, and their nests are amazing, made of moss and spiderwebs so that it expands as the chicks grow. I see them flying around sometimes - they tend to flit along from one tree to another quite quickly - but sadly for some reason they don't come into the garden to feed.

Once back inside I get my breakfast and sit at the dining room table, next to the door to the garden so I can look out. It always takes the birds a little while to come once the food's out, but Ms House Mouse is out from under the deck straightaway. For some reason she always jumps up onto the feed bowl rather than running up one of the short legs of the stand it sits on.

House mouse taking some bird food

The squirrels monopolise most of it, of course, sitting on the bird table and just staying there, eating their fill even before the poor birds get a look in. As I type there are currently four of them on the various feeders. The poor collared doves sit on the fence next to the bird table, wanting their breakfast but not brave enough to go for it with the squirrel there. It takes them maybe five minutes to cotton onto the fact that they could just fly across the garden to the dish by the deck. Alas they're only there for a moment before a pigeon arrives, puffing himself up and jostling them off the dish. A few times the doves have stood up to his kind, raising themselves up and spreading their wings in an aggressive posture, which is great to see. I find myself scolding the squirrels and pigeons through the window for being such pigs, as if they could understand me, hahaha.

(By the way, although I'm using "he" and "she" for these creatures, I have no idea of their sex, except the sparrows.)

Last to arrive are the starlings and sparrows. Starlings just make me think of lanky, squabbling teenagers, haha. They look funny running across the lawn on their lanky legs (even lankier when they were juveniles/fledglings back in the summer), and are noisy and boisterous, shouting at each other to go away. Sparrows are noisy too but in a nicer, less intrusive way, it's a sweeter sound. They hang around in groups so there are always lots of them, and when they're in the trees it's just such a lovely sound, so much birdsong!

But we have a little mystery - one of the bird feeders, which hangs on the hook by the bird table, is missing. It's not in the little hebe shrub underneath, as it usually is if it's not on the hook, so goodness knows what happened to it.

A magpie turns up later in the morning for a short time. The starlings eat all the mealworms within just two hours. I spot a great tit on one of the feeders by the back fence, and a blue tit later on, and a dunnock hopping around on the ground under the shrubs. We occasionally get a jackdaw or two visiting. 

This is a typical day.

Saturday 21st - Long tailed tits!!! A few of them flit down to the feeders for a few moments, never staying still, but alas they're all off again, out of the garden within 30 seconds. Maybe they come down to feed more often than we think, but it happens to be when we're not looking. 

We're out of bird seed so I put some peanuts in the dish by the deck. There's some in one of the hanging feeders but for some reason nobody is interested, only the squirrels and the nocturnal wood mice eat them. I watch at the window for a little while but not even the house mouse comes out for the easy calorie-rich meal which is literally right on her doorstep.

The missing bird feeder has been found. Under the hebe. We obviously just hadn't looked hard enough haha. 

A dove seems to be taking sanctuary in the garden. It flew in looking much bedraggled, with most of its tail feathers missing, and just sat itself down inside one of the pots on the deck, sheltered a little by the other potted plants. It's been there for about 45 minutes now. I've not seen such behaviour before, all the birds are constantly on the move. It must have been attacked, poor thing. 

I feel bad now, I scared it away, going out to put a handful of oats down. It flew off, to the shed roof where it's sitting now. A red kite just flew over, low and slowly, but the dove is hidden from above by the hazel tree overhanging the shed. 

An hour later...

There's a flippin' sparrowhawk in the garden!!!! :D :D :D I've only ever glimpsed one before; soooo excited! It came for the dove. The dove had flown back down to the deck pots and sat there for a little while again, eventually working up the courage and/or energy to hop onto the bird food dish, but it was only there for half a minute before it started to fly up again and another bird slammed into it. I thought it was another dove or a pigeon, but when neither bird flew up again I went outside to have a look, and saw these yellow eyes staring back at me! My mouth dropped open as far as it could go, haha. Wow!!!!!!! 

It stayed in the garden for a while, plucking its meal. It was constantly looking up and around, and moving around the border from shrub to shrub, wanting to hide, not wanting anything else to take its prize. What a privilege to be able to see it so close and for so long, and to get some photos too!

Sparrowhawk in the garden

Sunday 22nd - So the sparrowhawk (which was a female, I looked it up online) did not have a meal in our garden yesterday... for some reason she plucked the feathers from its chest but didn't actually eat any of the meat, or at least hardly any of it. Bizarre. I wonder if she was scared off by next door's dog; she ended up dragging the dove around the garden to a sheltered spot between the fence and the hebe, where she and her catch were well hidden, but that fence gets a dog or two running close to it numerous times a day. Will never know. The dove was dragged back out onto the patio by something overnight, so I've thrown it over the back fence into the woods.

Monday 23rd - The bird seed order hasn't arrived yet, so I chopped up some peanuts, instead of leaving them whole, to put out. Much more appealing to our garden friends! Yay I get to watch the house mouse, so cute :) The birds seem more active in the early afternoon than in the morning.

The hedgehog food is still being eaten each night. I only put a little bit out now. The hedgehogs are probably hibernating, but they can wake up once a week or so to go find a bit of food or move nest, so I don't want to stop putting food and water out over the winter. I've seen next door's cat eating the food a few times, so even if the hedgehog isn't eating it all at least it's not going to waste. I just hope the cat doesn't put on too much weight, haha.

Just opened a letter from the Woodland Trust, and it has a photo of a long-tailed tit on it, hehe. Big silly smile. Gorgeous little floofs. I'll cut it out and stick it in my "pretty things" scrapbook. 

Edit Tuesday 24th - Err so apparently the house mouse is a brown rat, haha. Even if it was a house mouse, I realise we should take steps to discourage them. It's still cute, but don't want them to become a problem so might have to stop feeding the birds and hedgehog for a while... 

I love ecology!

I don't know why I feel a need to apologise every time I don't post in a long while, haha...

I am absolutely loving my college course so far! Particularly all the ecology stuff and species ID. It'd be difficult to find something more up my street unless I did an entire course solely on ecology. Last week I got 100% in the first ID test we had, of 25 trees and shrubs - yay! We're doing one category each half term, so we've now started to learn 35 woodland bird species for a test before Christmas. Thankfully we don't have to learn the scientific names for these, as we did with the trees, so it's easier. But this week the tutor did a see-how-much-you-already-know-before-we-start-learning-them test, and there were only two birds I didn't know, which I was quite chuffed about. It's a shame the species ID is a separate certificate, and doesn't count towards the actual course! But I'm so keen, it's exciting to have something I'm good at and to be learning about things that I love!

We do Estate Skills practical days once every two weeks; I missed the first two due to joining the course late and then being unwell, but so far I've built a bat box, and helped to remove and start to replace a stock-proof fence, and next time we're going to be working on a hedge. The practicals are challenging, obviously because I haven't done anything like it before, but it's quite fun doing something different. I hate wearing the understandably-necessary steel toe capped boots, though, they're too big and clunky and uncomfortable. We're also doing a unit on machinery... so at some point rather soon I'll be having a go at using things like chainsaws and driving tractors!

I am struggling in some areas, though, probably in most. I'm fine with facts and figures, but then actually applying information to things like evaluating a practical task, or creating management objectives for a woodland, or creating a presentation as if you're trying to persuade an MP to encourage more people to get out into the countryside (especially when you know that actually more people usually just creates more issues), I'm finding pretty challenging. I got ever so stressed out a few times in the first month, spending an entire day attempting just one bit of homework at least twice. I know it's early days and I need to somehow learn to not be hard on myself, and to ask for help, and to be okay with submitting homework that I may not be completely happy with. We only have between 10 and 13 hours of face-to-face lessons a week, and I'm not someone who easily learns self-guided. I don't know how to learn, how to study. I go to my classes and do my homework, but don't look at my notes outside of class, read them, rewrite them, arrange them into easier-to-remember blocks of info or whatever, don't do any further research. Are we meant to, is that what people do? That's a rhetorical question; I'm assuming the answer is yes. But nobody tells you these things. I've only just found out what a flash card is. And I'm absolutely no good at 'self-starting' or whatever it's called, making myself do things, setting up a schedule for myself and sticking to it. The course is assessed in a number of ways, all of which I'm nervous about, especially exams, but at least it's not only exams. But the tutors are great and have said they'll go over everything again beforehand, and the college has a study support team I can go to whenever I need help, so hopefully I'll manage.

Anyway, I thought I'd write up some of what I've learned so far! Over different posts, not all in one go, don't worry.

Biomes

A biome is a major biogeographical region, defined by the climate and in turn the predominant vegetation. They're affected by latitude and altitude (how far away they are from the equator, and their height above sea level), and tend to have similar landscapes and wildlife. However, what the different biomes are, how many there are, what the characteristics are, etc., depends entirely on where you look or who you ask. Every map depicting the world's biomes is different and statistics vary. Some maps show five, others a dozen or more. To put it simply, the five major biomes are aquatic, tundra, forest, grassland, and desert (according to National Geographic). But these are all are broad classifications which just give a general biogeographical overview of a large area, and are usually sub-divided further to various extents. 

• Aquatic - can be marine or freshwater, have high biodiversity, marine is world's largest biome. 
• Grassland - open, warm, dry, can be tropical (savannah) or temperate (prairies and steppes). 
• Forest - dominated by trees, high biodiversity, can be tropical (warm and humid, close to equator), temperate (seasonal, mild, often wet), or boreal (cold and dry, close to polar regions). 
• Desert - dry, little vegetation, specialised wildlife, can be hot or cold. 
• Tundra - cold and dry, inhospitable, simple vegetation, specialised wildlife, can be arctic or alpine (in mountains at high altitudes).

The map below shows 10 biomes, and with the different colours you can see how they roughly correspond to latitude.

Map of biomes across the world

The biome covering the UK and most of Europe is "temperate forest" or "temperate deciduous woodland". A place doesn't have to be covered in trees to be part of a "forest" biome; it just means that the dominant plants are trees, and if left alone to their own devices the landscapes would eventually return to woodland. But - fun fact - we do have some tundra and boreal forest here too! They usually cover places like the Arctic and Siberia, so I think that's really cool! In the UK those biomes are only found in one place - the Cairngorms, in Scotland.

The Cairngorms are the eroded stumps of a mountain range far older than the Himalayas. Even at around 50 million years old, ranges like the Himalayas and the Rockies are in geological terms relatively young, and still quite 'pointy'. The Cairngorms are around 400 million years old, and have gradually been eroded to form a plateau - a large, relatively flat area that is raised sharply above the land surrounding it. I've just read on Wikipedia that "evidence suggests that the granite now at the surface was once found to be at a depth of between 4 and 7km." Wow! The high Cairngorm Plateau is where the tundra is, cold, dry, and treeless, and it's surrounded by boreal forest - what remains of the ancient Caledonian Pinewood - at slightly lower altitudes.

How cool is all that? :D Haha. I always loved physical geography.

Lastly - although "woodland" and "forest" are now used interchangeably, the original meaning of 'forest' was just 'an area given over for hunting'. So places like the New Forest, which was set aside by William the Conquerer as one of his numerous private hunting grounds, often aren't an unbroken expanse of trees - in fact trees tend to be a hinderance to giving chase on horseback. A woodland is an area of trees, no matter where it is or how large it is. Funny how language changes.

That'll do for now, methinks! I might write about the history of the countryside next time, that was fascinating.

Recipe: Meatloaf

First day of October! Autumn's definitely here, yay! Comfort food season...

It's been a very long while since I posted a recipe on here! But I recently remembered about, and then made, a childhood favourite of mine - my mum's meatloaf.

She doesn't use a recipe, and it's super simple and quick to prepare, it literally just takes a few minutes. I got six portions out of the following:

Ingredients:

• 500g lean minced beef
• Half a packet sage and onion stuffing mix
• One tin chopped tomatoes
• Two beef Oxo cubes or rough equivalent

Method:

• Preheat oven to 200 degrees C
• Put the minced beef in a bowl and break it up with a spoon or fork
• Add the other ingredients, crumbling the stock cubes in
• Mix well, adding about half a tin of water as well, until thoroughly combined
• Transfer mixture from bowl to a prepared tin, either a loaf tin or a square cake tin
• Bake for 45 minutes to an hour, till cooked through

I don't have a loaf tin (well I do but it's in storage) so used my loose-bottomed square cake tin, and lined it with baking/parchment/greaseproof paper/whatever that stuff is (I don't know the difference between them, if there is one). I had to let the meatloaf cool a bit before lifting it out of the tin to cool completely, otherwise it probably would have collapsed, but once cool it was solid and could be cut. Although obviously if you're just going to be eating it hot straightaway for dinner, it doesn't really matter too much if it collapses!

As I said, it's not exact. You'll probably need to adjust the amounts of things, even the baking time and temperature, till you get a taste and consistency you're happy with. But it's super quick and easy to make and very yummy! Growing up we used to have it for dinner with chips and peas and sweetcorn, but it's equally good cold for lunch with some salad. Let me know what you think if you give it a go!

Cold meatloaf with salad

Plan B is a-go!

Thank you to everyone who read and commented (on Facebook) on my previous post, about not knowing what to do next with my life after Plan A and Plan B not working out. Well, I have an update: Plan B is now going ahead, I have a place on the college course! Yaaaaaaaay!

I had just finished writing, but hadn't yet sent, a complaint email to the college yesterday morning when I got a phone call from them. The lady said she didn't know why nobody had dealt with my application but that it still wasn't too late to get a place and start, so she would resend it to the course team and chase them for a decision hopefully by the end of the day. She phoned me back just a little while ago to say that they're happy to give me a place on the course, and she's going to send me over the enrolment and finance forms, timetable, and other information I need.

I'm so relieved. And excited and nervous! The thought of returning to full-time education is a bit weird, and I'm nervous about it because my experience of college the first time around wasn't very good. But, that was more than 10 years ago now and I've grown a lot since then, I'm not the same person. I know myself better and am more confident. I have my autism diagnosis and can make sure I get help with things I need help with. The course is all assessment-based, rather than 100% exam-based as my A-Levels were, which suits me much better. And although of course I want to make friends, that doesn't hold quite so much importance for me, it doesn't feel as urgent as it did 12 years ago, I'll be more comfortable and less self-conscious being by myself. But at the same time I think I'll be okay, I know that I will make friends. (Even if most of my peers are 10 or more years my junior!) I have a good feeling this college experience will be much more positive than the first.

Yay!

I don't know yet when I start, I imagine they'll give me a date once I've sent the enrolment forms back, but I'll ask when they email them over. I expect it'll be next week.

I'm buzzing with excited-nervous energy now, need to put my iPod on and dance around or something to dissipate it, haha. ...Hmm, I'll do that while making some cake!

Here's to spending much of the next two years outdoors in all weathers, haha.

Here's to a brand new challenge and chapter in my life! :D

To finish, here's a cute picture of a cute cat I made friends with on a walk a couple of weeks ago - walking off down a boardwalk in a nature reserve, enjoying the outdoors, living in the present, and just being nothing but itself :) 

Oh what to do now

I had hoped to be finishing my first week of a two-year full-time course in Land & Wildlife Management at Sparsholt College today, but seeing as I never heard a single word back from them about my application, despite many attempts at chasing over the weeks preceding the start of term, that is sadly not the case. Boo.

I don't know why. I was told by the Admissions team at the end of July, a month after I applied, that my application had been sent to the relevant curriculum team and I just had to wait to hear from them. Nada. My numerous attempts at phoning a few different numbers all kept ringing out, and all my emails to two different email addresses went completely unacknowledged. On Wednesday last week, as a last resort, I even commented on one of the college's Facebook posts and the Marketing Team responded saying they'd forward my details to Admissions and ask them to get back to me, but that still resulted in nothing. I can understand my application accidentally being forgotten about in the stress and confusion of fewer staff working during coronavirus and in the summer break and then GCSE results... but all of my emails getting missed or forgotten about too? It's completely ridiculous and inexplicable, I don't know what on earth has happened.

Of course, I'm annoyed and disappointed. The course was Land & Wildlife Management, covering things like conservation, ecology, surveying, habitat management, and lots more. Even if I don't know that I want a career in that field, I'd thoroughly enjoy finding out - spending two years learning about things that I love and am passionate about, learning new and valuable skills, spending a lot of time outdoors in countryside settings, etc. It'd definitely be out of my comfort zone, both in terms of studying and socially, but in a good way, a positive challenge that would help me grow in new ways. The thought of it was weird and daunting but exciting!

But, nope. So it's back to square one. I can apply again next year if I still want to, but what to do now? I don't know. I've been feeling down more often than not this last week and, honestly, I have cried and screamed today. I really, desperately wanted to do something different and have a break from the conventional life for a year or two because it has been a direct and significant cause of my depression and anxiety. I absolutely dread having to go back to it.

A big part of me feels that the conventional life is not for me and that I belong in the countryside, spending a lot of my time outside and working on the land, growing vegetables and things, living a slow and quiet life, being busy and productive in a way that means something to me and I find value in. I would love to go and live on a farm or a commune or an ecovillage or some sort of sustainability-minded intentional community, but to do something like that still requires you to have full-time work to be able to pay rent and own and maintain a car. Plan A after getting made redundant was to spend a few months doing volunteering on small organic farms found through websites like WWOOF and HelpX - volunteering in exchange for accomodation and food. When it became clear that Covid was putting a damper on that, Plan B was the college course. I could still do both of those things, and take steps to find out whether moving to a commune or whatever is something I really want to do, but right now I can't.

I don't belong here in Andover. I have a comfortable home here with my mum and stepdad, and my older sister and nephews live a five-minute walk away, but the town sucks, the job market is poor even in normal circumstances, it's difficult to get anywhere without a car, and I know nobody else here, my friends are all elsewhere. It's definitely not the best place for me. It's probably not the best time to go trying somewhere new, looking around the country for what towns and cities might be a more "me" place, so it'll have to be Southampton or Winchester (unless anyone thinks otherwise?). Southampton is familiar and convenient, but again I don't really feel I belong there, it's not really my kind of place, but maybe it would be best for now. I love Winchester and there are two councils based there so might be a bit better for jobs (rather than more private sector jobs in Soton), and I think there are more green spaces I can go for walks, but it's an expensive city and it's harder to find housing. So goodness knows. I'm awful at making decisions. 

I'm also scared that I wouldn't find work. We're in a massive recession and heading into a jobs crisis, and I'm far from the pick of the crop. My only experience is in retail and entry-level admin jobs, and I suck at face-to-face and on-the-phone interaction and general customer service stuff. In the last few months I've given a bit of thought to what my strengths are and so what it would be good to develop my skills in, but taking courses to upskill or retrain costs money. (The college course would have been covered by a student loan, but you can't get those for general professional development courses, as far as I'm aware.) But I'm currently on Universal Credit and they're starting to reintroduce commitments and sanctions, so if I don't hurry up and find a job that's at least partly my choice and I feel I can put up with, the decision will be made for me and I'll have to apply for everything and take the first thing I'm offered.

(Can we hurry up and have a revolution please? Get rid of the billionaires and corrupt powerful people etc and create a far more just and pleasant world to live in? Please. PLEASE. No? Shame. Then I need therapy, and lots of it.)

I know these last six months have been tough for everyone in different ways, and I am grateful that I and my family have been very lucky and come through it largely unaffected. And I know I overthink, and am by nature a pessimist, and maybe I should be going out for a walk or at least sitting in the garden with a book rather than writing this. But bottling things up and worrying and getting stressed and trying to figure things out on my own is, I know from experience, the exact opposite of beneficial. I find it really difficult to verbalise and have conversations about things that are bothering me, and writing is the way I do that, writing is how I process and communicate, how I let other people know what's going on with me. So, if you've got this far, thank you for reading, and I would actually be really grateful for any advice, suggestions, ideas, encouragement, Stoic philosophy wisdom, etc., or even just a "Yep, me too!" or similar, if any of you lovely readers have any. 

Comfort food and curling up to watch a nice film for me tonight. I hope everyone is well and has a nice weekend :)

-

Update 15th Sep: The college finally contacted me and I've been accepted onto the course! See following post.

Q&A, August 2020

Apologies for not posting this last month. I posted the first two Q&As on the 14th of May and June, so wanted to get this one out on the 14th July. But I didn't find this one as easy, and had a lot going on with preparing to move, so just let it take as long as it took. So here you go, my third (and, for now, final) Q&A...

What was your understanding of autism before your diagnosis?
I didn't have much of an understanding of it, I guess it was generally the stereotypical male presentation. I knew autism could include social difficulties, being literal-minded, liking routines, special interests, often sensory issues, repetitive actions (what I now know is called stimming), sometimes non-speaking and sometimes high support needs. I knew enough that it made sense when my family suggested I might be autistic. I've learned a lot in the last year.

When / where do you feel most happy? Why?
In nature, because it's beautiful and fascinating and I love it. At home, because I'm a homebody and an introvert. Dancing at a ceilidh, because it's the most fun ever and gets me out of my head for a few hours.

What's the best piece of advice you've ever been given?
Well, the trouble with me is that I rarely follow advice. I've been given / heard / read plenty of good advice and motivational quotes and such things. Things which I know make sense. But I just can't seem to make myself do whatever it is. I've probably followed lots of little everyday bits of advice over my life, but there isn't a big piece of advice that has stuck with me, a simple yet profound truth that I live my life by, or anything like that. Actually the answer to this question is probably just the advice to go to my GP about my depression and ask for an autism assessment referral at the same time.

What's the best compliment you've ever been given?
I'm not sure. Three things come to mind:
1) People complimenting my writing is always great, and the biggest compliment I've had regarding that is the response to my blog post about my autism diagnosis last year. To date it's had 273 page-views, and while that isn't 273 individual people, just page-views as some would have read it gradually over multiple sittings, it's probably still over 100 readers, when most of my posts get somewhere between 5 and 20 page-views. My family and friends shared it on Facebook so that people I don't even know have read it, and I've had feedback that it's helped other people understand themselves better, too, which is wonderful!
2) Someone once told me they liked how natural, simple, and honest I am in terms of my appearance. (I don't wear make-up or nail varnish, don't dye my hair or style it, don't have any piercings or tattoos, rarely wear jewellery, etc.) I've been told many times that I'm beautiful but while that's nice I don't really care. Someone noticing and telling me they like my simple authenticity, and how it has the bonus of being subtly subversive and rebellious, was a real and lovely compliment which made my day.
3) Back on New Years Eve when my mum and I went to see Greta Gerwig's Little Women at the cinema (BRILLIANT FILM!), my mum said to me "You're like her" - meaning Jo March. That put a massive grin on my face! Who wouldn't want to be compared to Jo March? She's awesome!
...I know that's three answers when one would suffice, hahaha, but I'm terribly indecisive.

If you had a dog, what would you call it?
I've never thought about this because I'd get a cat if I got a pet. (I'd consider a dog, but definitely a cat first.) Not that I've thought about what I'd call the cat, though. I think it would depend on what breed it was, what it looked like, what sort of personality it had, etc. Having just had a quick look at a couple of suggestion lists online, I tend to like somewhat old-fashioned and/or quirky names: Rosie, Matilda, Topher, Pepper, Taffy. I'd call a female black cat Mab, though, after the fairy queen.

If you had a baby, what would you name it?
I wouldn't have a baby. And in case anyone thinks "Okay but hypothetically, if you did have one what would you call it?" - my answer is a valid one. I've known since I was a child myself that I don't want to have children. To quote the wonderful Helen Mirren, "I have no maternal instinct whatsoever. Motherhood holds no interest for me." So I've never given this sort of question any thought. A bit more seriously, this is something that I feel strongly about, and I follow a few Facebook groups/pages for childfree-by-choice women, and those who campaign for women's rights around the world. On one level, even in the UK much of society still can't separate womanhood from motherhood, and react with disbelief, invalidation, and judgement when a woman or girl says she doesn't want to have children. We hear things ranging from the almost-automatic "Oh you'll change your mind one day" to "You're selfish" and worse. A simple "Okay, fair enough" instead will do just fine. But thankfully the UK is still a place where people like me are able to make that decision for ourselves and I count myself lucky. There are countless women and girls all over the world who have no control over their sexual and reproductive lives and what happens to their own bodies.

What's your biggest fear?
I tend to avoid thinking about, or even identifying, what I'm afraid of. There's a lot. I guess the biggest ones are being in an unfulfilled rut and depressed for most of my life, being chronically lonely, getting seriously ill, and dying slowly and painfully or just horribly.

What's your favourite instrumental / classical / non-vocal piece of music?
I love classical music, but don't know it well enough to have an educated favourite piece or composer; my favourites are popular ones like The Lark Ascending by Ralph Vaughan Williams and The Planets: Jupiter by Gustav Holst. I love instrumental folk music too, and 'epic music' too. And soundtrack pieces, I have a lot of those in my collection and listen to them often, so here are my top five instrumental ones of those in no particular order. Most of them I know well enough to recognise them by the very first note...

• Overture from 'Robin Hood Prince of Thieves' - Michael Kamen: https://youtu.be/AGSev1mOSfg This always puts a smile on my face!
• Farewell from Disney's 'Pocahontas' - Alan Menken: https://youtu.be/_EHCOJ8g_9Q Probably among my favourites just because it's one of my favourite films. It's beautiful and sad.
• What Are You Going To Do When You Are Not Saving the World? from 'Man of Steel' - Hans Zimmer: https://youtu.be/HH1l5okI9mE
• Kingdom Dance from Disney's 'Tangled' - Alan Menken: https://youtu.be/chppF5jqKNw My favourite scene from that movie too!
• Reel Around the Sun from 'Riverdance' - Bill Whelan: https://youtu.be/OR4FiK-ar7w 

What's the most creative thing you've ever done?
Probably this blog, as writing is creating, and my photography. Although I guess there's also something pretty creative about half-creating some characters and a vague fictional storyline in your head and attempting to write it down.

When were you right at the end of your tether but pushed through?
I'm not sure. I tend to avoid things, so it's hard to even think of some times I've been near the end of my tether, because I don't let myself get there. Either that or I block it out afterwards and forget. Or I just compare too much and don't think I'm near the end of my tether because it's nowhere near as bad as other people's. Maybe my depression. The worst time was the second half of 2018. My work at the time was part of the problem and I ended up calling in sick quite often because I just couldn't face going in, then self-certified off for a full week in the end, just before Christmas. But I had to go in most of the time, and got through the days. In the first week of January I got a new job and was able to hand my notice in, so I knew I just had four more weeks to get through.

Can we read some of your writing?
Well, this blog is my writing! Haha. No, the person who asked this meant the story I mentioned in the answer to the 'favourite song' question in my June Q&A - the story that's been with me since I was very young but I've never finished. I've never really started it, not properly - all I have written down are just everyday scenarios, I don't have a proper plan, or any ideas of truly interesting happenings like challenges, and I don't even really know the characters' characters well and how they could develop and grow. So no, it's not something I want to share, sorry.

Will you play D'n'D?
Hahaha. This was asked by one of my friends who has for many years been trying to get me to play D&D with him. (For anyone who doesn't know, DnD / D&D / D'n'D is Dungeons & Dragons, a fantasy tabletop role-playing game/RPG.) I've always thought I'd be hopeless at games like that. I'm hopeless at many games. He did persuade me last year to join a Star Trek tabletop RPG... but I just spent the entire time five hours utterly baffled and slowly shrinking into my chair, haha. Decision-making and improvising are most definitely not my forté. So the answer to this question is, I have no plans to agree anytime soon.

If you won tens of millions of pounds on the lottery, what would you do?
Go on some family holidays. Buy my own home, in the countryside or on the edge of a lovely village or market town, with a bit of land that I could use a small part of for a kitchen garden and flower garden and rewild the rest of it. Fill that home with lovely old furniture, and art. Buy family members a home if they wanted to move. Learn to drive, reluctantly. Go on various trips, especially a cooking/language course in Italy.

Where do you want to be in 5 or 10 years time?
I've never been someone who has a 5-year or 10-year plan. I have no idea what I want to do. The only things I know I do want are to be living by myself, and to have a job I like and in which I can use and develop my strengths, and which pays me enough to live by myself in a decent and comfortable place, have a bit of a leisure life, and put money in savings each month. But perhaps I should consider living life a bit and doing something way out of my comfort zone like move abroad again for a little while at some point.

What do you have a hard time accepting / what don't you like so much about yourself?
I hate that I am absolutely awful at replying to messages, especially long ones. I often don't know how to respond to something straight away, so I leave it, planning to come back to it and hopefully think of something to say. But then it's a combination of being forgetful, never remembering at a convenient time, and not figuring out things to say. So a lot of the time I either take ages to respond or end up never responding, which has meant that over the years I've lost touch with people who could have been good friends, or potential close friendships have not been able to develop fully. It's awful and I hate it but don't know how to change it.

What's something most people don't know about you?
I used to do archery, and although I'm normally right-handed it turned out that, for archery, I am left-handed. And I'm quite nerdy: I love Star Trek, animated shows like Avatar: The Last Airbender and She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, and Studio Ghibli films. 

Do you have a favourite piece of art? If so, what and why?
There are some sculptures I've seen on my travels which I've never forgotten. Bernini ones, particularly in Galleria Borghese in Rome. The craftsmanship and level of skill is stunning, so detailed and realistic, like the flowing of fabrics and the pressing of fingers into skin. Psyche Revived By Cupid's Kiss by Antonio Canova in the Louvre, because I like that story (well, I prefer the Greek version of it). The Angel of Grief by William Whetmore Story in Rome's Non-Catholic Cemetery, because it's achingly beautiful.

What's your ideal day?
Something with a lovely long country walk with nice company and good food somewhere along the line, maybe a visit to a farm shop or farmer's market, followed by relaxing at home with a film in the evening.

What motivates you to work hard?
Hmm. Well, other than fear (of like, y'know, getting told off or something), I'm still trying to figure that out to be honest.

When you were small, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A farmer's wife, hahaha! That's the earliest one I remember. I guess I didn't really know that girls could be farmers, or that you could live in the countryside without being a farmer. I just wanted to live in the countryside, and liked the idea of helping out on the farm, in the garden, growing veggies, cooking in the kitchen, feeding people. Nowadays I just don't really picture myself being a hostess, what with my social difficulties, haha, and I wouldn't want to be the one cooking every day unless I lived by myself.

-
Thank you to everyone who asked questions, and thank you for reading these Q&As :)

130 days of daily walks

Thursday 30th July was the 130th day in a row that I went for my daily walk! Yay!

I started counting on Monday 23rd March - the day when lockdown was announced in the evening. I know that 130 days - 18 and a half weeks, just over four months - is nothing for people who have dogs, or who are already in the habit of going for a walk every single day. But it's something of an achievement for me, and I'm quite proud of myself for keeping at it.

Working office jobs over the last four and a half years got me going out for walks at lunchtime to stretch my legs, get some fresh air, and get my eyes away from walls and a computer screen, but sometimes that was only 20 minutes, and it was very easy to just say "Eh, I won't go out today" because it was too rainy or too cold or too hot or I just didn't feel like it. I love walking, but unless I'm meeting friends it's always been very hard to motivate myself to catch a bus and train to get myself out to the countryside at weekends, so taking long leisurely walks or hikes has generally only been something I've done on a few trips, or the odd occasion with family or friends. But, as we in the UK were allowed to go outside for one form of exercise each day during lockdown, I've had the opportunity over the last four months to intentionally go for a walk every day, and in nature instead of along concrete streets.

Bluebells in the wood

I'm very fortunate that I live on the edge of the city and am a five-minute walk away from a mile-long shingle beach. Despite having lived here since August 2018, until this last February I'd only been there a handful of times and only once or twice gone beyond the far end of the beach, where the coast path continues on towards Royal Victoria Country Park. Behind the promenade is a mown-grass field where people can walk their dogs, kick a ball around, have picnics, sunbathe etc.; a bit further along is another grassy area left to go wilder, trodden paths winding through long grasses; and at the far end of that, behind the road behind the beach, is a 150-acre nature reserve with woodland and grasslands. So, having discovered the latter only a few months ago, I've been able to get out into open spaces with water, birds and other wildlife, grass, trees, flowers, and lots of plants and greenery.

I've really loved being able to get out and spend an hour and a half or more outside in the fresh air every day. Nature has always been one of my greatest loves, and for the first time in my life I've been able to let that come to the surface and be part of my daily life. I go slowly, looking, noticing, observing. I don't take a notebook, but take lots of photos and use those as memory prompts, visual notes rather than written, and occasionally make a note on my phone if a picture won't do. I've taken hundreds of photos, uploading some to Facebook to share with family and friends. (And Instagram - the link to that is on the right-hand side of this page.) I kind of wish, though, that I had created a habit of taking a notebook and making notes every day as well, just a short summary and key points, a daily log; they'd be interesting to look back on.

The beach at low tide

On the beach I watch and listen to the waves, and gaze out at the light glinting on the water, glittery and pretty. I watch the swells and how the surface shifts, smooth and glossy like silk or rippling and shivering, rolling and undulating, the waves meeting the shore gently lapping, or stretching up, or crashing with a rush and roar and a tumble of pebbles as they fall back. When the sun's low and the sky blue, the water looks like satin and the softly-breaking waves like molten silver. I've gone paddling in the water several times, which is good fun and helps me to focus on where I am and tune out my thoughts for a while so I'm in the present moment. The beach is prettier when the tide's in, but when the tide's out there are wading birds on the mud flats; gulls and oyster-catchers mainly, plus the occasional egret and some smallish brown birds that were too far away to identify. There was a great crested grebe or two that liked to hang around sometimes when the tide was in, but I haven't seen them for a couple of months, and the swans which made an appearance every now and then in the first few weeks have now reappeared with six fluffy cygnets in tow!

One of my favourite days was 30th April because it was really stormy, with heavy dark clouds and pelting rain. I ventured out that afternoon during a break in the rain, dressed in wellies and waterproof trousers as well as a raincoat. I just reached the shore when it started raining again and lightning flashed a few miles away on the other side of Southampton Water, so I hid against the wall under a balcony at the sailing clubhouse until I was sure that wasn't heading my way. It moved on quickly and some sunlight broke through to shine on the beach and the water, creating an awesome contrast with the slate-dark clouds. I decided it would be fun to walk in the rain, so carried on, and sure enough ten minutes later the water darkened further and the rain moved towards me in sheets. For a minute I didn't put my hood up, just stood there giggling with joy, letting the raindrops land on me and listening to them hit the water and the pebbles and the tarmac and the trees on the path behind. Everything was quiet except for the rain, the wind, the waves, and the birds. It was awesome, so much fun!

Stormy skies

In the woods, I'll stop and watch a bee buzz around, look up and around at the canopy and how the sunlight plays on everything, the contrast with the shadows, or sit on one of the old building foundations for a while and listen to the birds singing, the squirrels scuttling about, and the wind in the leaves. If I catch a nice scent then I take deep breaths, trying to smell as much of it as I can for as long as I can. I've started to learn to identify birds by sight and sound, and flowers and trees. I've seen song thrushes, nuthatches, tree-creepers, and great spotted woodpeckers all for the first time, and jay fledglings. I often hear small creatures squeak and scurry about unseen in the undergrowth, saw a couple of rats once scampering back into the nettles, and two little mice or voles once crossed the path just a few feet in front of me. I was excited to see a kestrel one day, hovering over the little grassland between the road and the tower blocks, and buzzards gliding over the nature reserve.

One joy has been hearing and seeing a fox. There may be and probably is more than one in those woods, but I have no way of knowing. I've heard it twice - a single bark in the first week, and then a month ago I had the amazing experience of listening to it repeatedly barking like 10 metres away for a full 10 minutes. And I've caught a fleeting glimpse of it twice. One day in May I was just sat in my favoured spot as usual and was still and silent for long enough that it thought nobody was around and went wandering, and I caught the movement just in time to look and see its back and tail slip through a gap in the undergrowth five metres away. Then more recently I was walking along one of the paths and heard a sudden scurrying in the dry leaves of the area of wood to my left, looked and saw it bounding away! Amazing.

Magnificent beech trees

I've been able to see the seasons gradually shift from almost-spring to late summer. Wood anemone and lesser celandine gave way to bluebells and blackthorn blossom and dandelions, then to apple and hawthorn blossoms, buttercups, and the forget-me-nots and other wildflowers planted on the verge by the car park, then elderflower, dog roses, honeysuckle, foxglove, and all the wild carrot family. Now even lady's bedstraw, the pea family, and bright yellow ragwort are fading, and blackberries and hazelnuts are starting to ripen. Fuzzy buds on the trees turned into soft, tender, translucent leaves, which took on a glorious almost neon vibrancy for just a couple of days before maturing into thick, dark, heavy foliage. As the sunlight grew stronger and brighter, the woods darkened as the canopy thickened, providing a cool, shadowy refuge from the hot sun. Birdsong increased, then peaked, then lessened again as they found mates and started nesting, and now most of the birds are very quiet as they hide away for molting. A pair of great spotted woodpeckers made a nest in a dead tree right next to the path, so I got some great views of them and the chick. I've seen butterflies in the wood and in the grasslands - speckled wood, orange tip, small heath, marbled white, small white, red admirals, a comma, a small skipper, a gatekeeper, a white admiral, a pale blue/white one on the beach, and some yellowy ones. I've also seen a couple of damselflies by the stream in the woods, and an enormous beetle flying and land on a tree (likely a stag beetle, that's the largest one we have over here). (Did you know that ladybirds are a type of beetle? It hadn't occurred to me before, but of course they are.) I think my favourite types of tree in this wood are the ash and birch, purely because they make a particularly lovely rustle in the wind.

Germander speedwell

As lockdown restrictions eased and we were allowed to drive to different places and see family and friends again, some walks have been elsewhere. A couple, to be honest, weren't walks, but rather afternoons spent in gardens. I counted them because part of the purpose of going for a walk is to get out into nature, be surrounded by it, look at it, notice and observe, and I did those things on those days. I was surrounded by trees and flowers and birds, watched and listened to them, and went round looking closely at the flowers, and the bees and butterflies feeding on them.

I feel very lucky that over the last four months I've been able to spend more time outdoors in nature, delve into it more, learn a bit more about it, and encounter other people who love it too (albeit online, and being an observer rather than joining in by interacting through the comments etc.). It's spurred me to apply for a full-time college course covering ecology, conservation, habitat management, wildlife surveys, etc., something part of me wishes I'd done years ago, so fingers crossed I get accepted onto that. And so many other people have benefited from this opportunity to notice, experience, and connect to nature more, either in more depth, or in new ways, or even for the first time. Long-time nature lovers have been joined by new enthusiasts.

Great spotted woodpecker

The lessened presence, disturbance, and dominance of humans during full lockdown, before restrictions started to be eased, meant that Nature and wildlife had a chance to breathe and relax. For the first few weeks of lockdown the beach was almost empty, I'd pass only a handful of people there and in the woods. No litter. No dog poo. Roads were empty. The sky was empty of aircraft and their contrails. Air and noise pollution levels went right down. Birdsong was more audible. Ground-nesting birds and mammals in places usually only reachable by car were left undisturbed by dogs and walkers while we weren't allowed to drive to take exercise. Grass verges were left un-mown and roadside trees and shrubs un-strimmed (I hate seeing those splintered remains), providing fantastic habitats for wildlife. The building site opposite my flat was empty, and the harsh white safety lights not turned on at night, which was nice for me in that my room was much darker than usual, but it would have also been good for nocturnal flyers like bats and moths. Animals wandered around more, roamed further, felt safer: mountain goats in the streets of Llandudno, seabirds and dolphins in the Venetian canals, fallow deer grazing on the lawns of a London housing estate. The benefit of human lockdown to the natural environment and wildlife has been so obvious that, wonderfully, Thailand's government announced in May that they will be closing all of their national parks for two months every year from now on.

Fairy door

Of course, people have gradually returned. The beach and promenade are busy, with oyster-diggers, fishermen, kite-surfers, jet-skiers, the ice-cream and burger vans, runners, roller-skaters, dog-walkers, families, friends, and people having a nice time. The sounds and smells are just Summer all over so it's quite nice in a way. But with the positives have also returned the negatives. Cars. Pollution. Roadkill. Dog poo. Litter. Litter. Litter.

Nature has been here for many of us over the last few months. As we start to return to "normal", it is time for us to be there for nature, the natural world, the earth, our planet - to show up for it, fight for it. Create a new normal, a better one, not just in terms of our relationship with the natural world but with each other too.

Person sitting on the beach by an oak tree

I'm finishing this post off a week later. We moved over the weekend, out of the city to our mum and stepdad's place in a town more inland, so I'll be taking walks elsewhere from now on. While I'll miss the beach and the nature reserve, and how quick and easy it is to get to them, I'm looking forward to finding some new places and getting to know the countryside around here a bit.

Selfie in the woods

Rant following Trade Bill amendment rejection

I probably shouldn't be starting my day like this. It is a beautiful blue-sky summer day and I only have a week and a half left here before moving out of the city. I should be getting up and going for a walk along the beach and around the nature reserve, or enjoying an online Latin dance workout, or continuing to sort my stuff so I can take some things to the charity shops and eventually start packing. Instead I'm angry and stressed and keeping myself in that state by writing this.

I woke up today to read that the Tory government has voted down amendments to the upcoming post-Brexit Trade Bill which would safeguard both the NHS and imported food standards, and ensure that trade agreements are subject to parliamentary approval. Read that again: they have voted them down.

So, they have voted AGAINST:
 - protecting the NHS from foreign control
 - ensuring the ability to provide "a comprehensive and publicly-funded health service free at the point of delivery" is not compromised by any future trade deal
 - protecting NHS staff wages and rights from being slashed in any future trade deal
 - protecting the quality and safety of health and care services
 - regulating the control and prices of medicines
 - protecting patient data from being sold off
 - protecting the NHS from investor-state dispute settlements (ISDS) - basically foreign investors/companies can sue national governments for measures which may harm their profits. This is a real thing. Veolia sued Egypt for raising their national minimum wage. A Swedish energy firm sued Germany for introducing policies to curb water pollution. An American pharmaceutical giant sued Canada for trying to keep medicines affordable. And obviously these things cost loads of taxpayer money.
(List from https://evolvepolitics.com/breaking-tories-vote-down-amendment-to-protect-nhs-from-foreign-control-in-brexit-trade-deals/)

So the government themselves have basically confirmed that the NHS (and other publicly-funded health and care services) will be on the table, open for foreign private corporations to buy and control.

They have also voted against ensuring food production standards are maintained for imports. That means that imported food will not need to be of the same or higher standards as we have for food produced in the UK. There are practices in America that are illegal here, but it is now possible that under a trade agreement with the USA, we could one day be buying things like chlorine-washed chicken and hormone-pumped beef in our supermarkets without that information being on the labels. Foods (and other things) produced in a bad way are cheap - like factory farming - so this will also mean that the market would be flooded with yet more cheap and nasty food and British farmers will struggle even more than they are now.

They also voted against parliamentary scrutiny of trade deals, i.e. they voted against giving themselves the power to "take back control".

You cannot possibly say that those are good things.

THIS IS TERRIFYING.

The amendments were so obviously in the public interest that several hard-right DUP members voted in favour of them, and even a former UKIP leader has slammed the government for voting them down.

(They've also voted, again, even after the last few months, to not give nurses or care workers a pay rise. Doctors and some other public sector workers are getting one, which is good, but not nurses. And I'm sure you already know about their starting to charge NHS staff to use hospital car parks again.)

We were warned about this. The Tories voted against the very creation of the NHS 72 years ago, and over the last 10 years they have started to defund, dismantle, and sell off parts of it. So many people told us this would happen if the Tories stayed in power.

NHS workers during the first couple of months of the pandemic said "We don't want your claps. We want to be properly funded."
Essential workers said "We don't want your praise. We want a proper wage and rights and respect at work."
Activists for all sorts of causes say "We don't want your thanks. We want you to listen, and to help."

I know it's difficult. We have lives to live, everyday struggles to deal with. But that's part of the issue. Powerful people have, over the millenia, designed the world to suit their interests. We have no choice but to spend most of our waking lives working, usually for somebody else, simply in order to put a roof over our heads and food on the table, so we are left with very little time or energy to participate in politics and democracy and creating a better world. We just have to do what we can do. But the sad thing is that it's not enough.

Words are not enough anymore. Petitions and letters to MPs and peaceful protests are not enough. They do not work. Democracy is a sham right now. We apparently live in a democracy, and compared to some other countries we do, but really we only get a say on things once every four years, and even then it's pretty poor. I fully understand why so many people are disillusioned with politics, why people don't vote.

Poverty does not have to exist. Homelessness does not have to exist. Malnutrition does not have to exist. Climate breakdown does not have to continue. So many things that make life a struggle do not have to exist.

People are saying that the Tories won't win the next General Election if they sell off the NHS. Well that may be true but it doesn't matter whatsoever since it will be too darn late by then. The deals would have been made, services sold off. And the thing about the ISDS will mean that future governments who want to reverse any purchases and bring services back into public ownership will find it nearly impossible.

And I know this isn't the worst. They have done and are doing other bad things. And other people and governments have done and are doing worse things.

We live in a paradise, this planet is literally a paradise for life, and humanity has made it into a hellhole. We haven't quite made it to Wall-E level trash planet yet, but that's the trajectory we're on.

I am angry every single day. I despair every single day. I am filled with fear for my future, those of my nephews and young cousins, and the future of the world, every single day.

I know I could take a break from social media, with all the political and activist and indie journalism pages I follow, and maybe I probably should. I already don't watch the mainstream news anyway. But that's just another form of burying your head in the sand, isn't it? The issues don't go away just because I'm privileged enough to be able to choose to ignore them, to not have to live with them in ways that other people are forced to.

My default mode is pessimism, unfortunately. My life would be better if my default was optimism. I know there is a lot of good in the world, I hear about it and see it. But it doesn't matter how much of that good I am shown, while the people in power put their personal interests and profit above those of the general population then we are done for. There is beauty, but for me it is always overshadowed. I find it very, very difficult to have hope.

I could write so much more. About anything and everything. I feel so much. I often start to write something on an issue that's bothering me but can't articulate things I'm feeling, it's very difficult to write and I can't finish it. That means I've, so far, ended up just being an "armchair warrior" or a "keyboard warrior", sharing posts on social media but not actually getting out and doing any activism or volunteer work and trying to make a practical difference. I'd like to change that but don't know how yet. This is a ranty, bitter, angry post, not well-written or comprehensive, and maybe I'll look back on it in a calmer mood and cringe, and I'm sorry if it makes for slightly uncomfortable reading, but this is part of who I am. And these issues matter.

We have to fight for a better world. We really do. We must.

As usual, this has taken me like five hours to write. I feel like that's a waste of a nice day. Ugh. Right, time for lunch and a walk. Need to get these cortisol levels down.

Q&A, June 2020

Last month I did my first Q&A post, and had so many questions that I decided to split them up and do a second one. I've received some more questions since then, and I do waffle when I write so some of the answers are long, so I'll be doing a third Q&A next month! I hope you're enjoying reading these and finding them interesting :)

You can choose five dinner guests, dead or alive - who would they be?
(I was also asked who I would most like to meet / spend a day with and why, so that will be covered by this.) With this question, one tends to immediately think of famous people or others they admire. And there are many people like that it would be really cool to meet or just be around and listen to or watch them speak or whatever. Like the Queer Eye Fab Five! But I'm going to make this one six people, and say my four late grandparents - Gillian, Richard, Jean, and Chaz - and my mum's late grandmother Meg, and my dad's late aunt Dot. So I could get to know them all better, as people as well as grandparents, and connect with them as the adult I am now. I wish I'd had better and closer relationships with them. I'd ask them to tell me their stories and would audio-record them to write them down later, or I'd ask them to write them down in their own words. I love real-life stories. And I'd ask Aunty Dot for her marmalade recipe. It was the best marmalade ever.

What is your favourite song, and why?
As I said in my previous Q&A, I don't tend to have one overall favourite of anything, there's too much variety so it's difficult to compare and decide. But, thinking about it, my most beloved songs are definitely the following (in no particular order), for the simple reason that they are the ones that most move me.

• Solsbury Hill - Peter Gabriel: https://youtu.be/uRQIic97g6U
• In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel: https://youtu.be/B3kFPBtc9BE
• I'll Find My Way Home - Jon & Vangelis: https://youtu.be/ePE9w6D2JWg
• Adiemus - Karl Jenkins with Miriam Stockley: https://youtu.be/nQ6ppi6yBkc

I find it quite funny that they're all 20th-century and mostly from long before I was born: 1977, 1986, 1981, 1995. I am an old soul. Solsbury Hill and Adiemus have been with me for a long time, since I came across them as a pre-teen while searching for New Age music online. (SH isn't New Age, but has a spiritual theme, as they all do.) I loved them immediately. They were eventually part of the little playlist I had of songs which suited the story I was writing (but never finished), and I think that association, with a story and characters I also loved, helped cement those songs in my life. The other two - In Your Eyes and I'll Find My Way Home - I only discovered within the last five years, but they're just gorgeous, especially the former, which blew me away the first time I heard it. I don't know about other people, but the first thing I hear and notice when listening to music is the music itself. It takes longer, numerous times of hearing a song, to recognise each word in the lyrics and understand what they're saying, so for me the content of lyrics has always been secondary. ... Also, there are some interesting articles online as to why the first three of those are actually great, enduring songs in terms of music technicalities, and I recommend reading them if you're so inclined.

If you had to live on a deserted island for the rest of your life and could take just three things, what would they be?
I'll answer this as if my survival, health, basic comfort, and communication needs are taken care of and the things I'm choosing are extra comforts or luxuries. Hmmm. I don't know! Maybe a notebook and pen (or, y'know, a lifetime supply), some favourite books (or if I'm allowed to just pick one then Persuasion or Pride & Prejudice), and some binoculars to watch the wildlife with.

If you could eat just one cuisine for the rest of your life what would it be?
Italian. There's enough variety to keep it from getting boring or unhealthy, and it's all about fresh, great quality ingredients and seasonality and making something wonderfully tasty out of not very much.

What's your favourite country?
This might be a bit of a surprise, given all the places I've been, but I'm going to say Great Britain, more specifically England. Now, I am far from being patriotic. I have never and will never own a St George's Cross flag or a Union Jack. Our history is not something to be proud of in many instances. Politically, I have been ashamed to be British since the Brexit referendum, and I thoroughly dislike and distrust our current government (polite understatement, btw). But while I am British, I am also European, a citizen of the world, and a member of the human race. There are many things I love and admire about other countries and cultures, and we are blessed to be such a multicultural country. I love Wales and Ireland, and Scotland even more so. But I am English. My mum says I'm a stereotypical English Rose. My love of this country is largely due to the beautiful and varied countryside, and nostalgia and sentiment. It's about Jane Austen and rolling green hills and roast beef with Yorkshire pudding, the Proms and picnics and Wimbledon, Marmite and bluebell woods and the National Trust... allotments, crumpets, fish and chips, the Lake District, garden centres, agricultural shows, pubs, Sunday walks, chalk streams, hedgerows, Cornish pasties, pork pies, canals and narrowboats, The Vicar of Dibley, 'The Lark Ascending', steam trains, Twickenham, village greens and fetes, seagulls, the Shipping Forecast, Morris dancers, Alfred Wainwright, Edward Elgar, Beatrix Potter, The Wind in the Willows, jelly and ice-cream, cheese and pickle sandwiches, the Chelsea Flower Show, Bath, Oxford and Cambridge, Stonehenge, West Country cider, scones and jam and clotted cream, the WI, JMW Turner, 'Jerusalem', the Royal Family, Only Fools and Horses... I could go on and on. One of my favourite books is a charming miscellany by Alan Titchmarsh, and it contains a few long lists of things that England (and its homes, kitchens, and gardens) would not be England without, and I love it.

If you had to live in any other country in the world, which would it be?
Is Ireland too close to the UK to count? Haha. If I couldn't live in the UK or Ireland, I'd consider Australia or New Zealand, as the lifestyle/pace of life there is much more relaxed and they're much less densely populated. (Although I haven't actually been to NZ. Landscapes look stunning, though, and Jacinda Arden seems to be a good leader.) They're just so far away. Maybe Denmark, widely considered to be one of the happiest countries to live in, due to its strong welfare state, relatively high level of equality, a strong community spirit, and sense of common responsibility - my kind of place. Or maybe just Italy, where I could live in a pretty little rural town and get to know lots of characters and maybe work doing something to do with the community, and learn to cook (as well as eat) loads of gorgeous food.

If you could live the life of a character in an already-existing film, who would it be?
Perhaps Anne Shirley in the Anne of Green Gables films and books. Her life before moving to Avonlea is miserable, but once she arrives there and is adopted by the Cuthberts, she finds family and love and friendship and a sense of belonging and happiness, and spends a great deal of her time outdoors in a rural idyll. And she ends up with Gilbert Blythe, who is one of the ultimate romantic heroes - never settle for anything less than a Gilbert Blythe. Or, there's a Netflix film where an American woman enters a contest and wins a derelict inn in a rural New Zealand community so travels there to renovate it, intending to sell it and go home afterwards, but the place, people, and lifestyle win her over in the end so she decides to stay. I like that idea, of being welcomed into a tight-knit rural community and running an inn or B'n'B.

Would you rather have teeth for fingernails, or fingernails for teeth?
Well this is a strange question the likes of which I haven't come across before. Um. Teeth for fingernails. Fingernails for teeth would mean that your 'teeth' would not be strong enough to bite or chew food.

Which Disney princess do you relate to the most?
Merida, from Brave. She wants to be independent and live her life her way, and defies the status quo that society pushes on her.

Which element do you feel most connected to, and why?
Earth, I think. Earth energy is all about being grounded, stable, strong, practical... which are the sort of qualities I'd say I most need in my life. I love walking and hiking, and my favourite places are the countryside and woodlands, and mountains, rather than the coast. I love animals. I'm a homebody, and part of earth energy is about feeling at home. I've always been drawn to characters like witches, priestesses, and wise women who live by themselves in the woods, practice plant medicine, and are wise in the ways of the land and the nature spirits. ... If anyone associates me more with a different element, let me know, I'd be interested to hear why (not that I expect many people think on that kind of thing at all, haha).

If you could travel back in time, which year would you go to, and why?
I think I'd go back to pre-Roman Britain. No specific year. Prehistory means pre-written records, which in Britain began with the Romans, so much of what we know about Iron Age, Bronze Age, and Neolithic Britain is not certain. I'd like to learn about it - see what life was like, what the cultures here were like, settlement sizes, how groups and communities were arranged, what hierarchies there were, how they worked with the land, how they treated it and each other (particularly women), what their spiritual beliefs and practices were, learn about the old gods, etc.

If you could have a superpower, what would it be?
Flight! I could get around easily and for free, at any time of day or night. I wouldn't need to learn to drive or pay for public transport, or worry about travelling home by myself after dark. I'd be able to see scenic landscapes from different points of view, like from above, rather than from just one viewpoint on the road or whatever. And it would be fun!

Who in the world would you most like to punch (or shoot with a bow and arrow!), and why?
Haha, so this is a risky question to ask a socialist, intersectional environmentalist, feminist etc. with a strong sense of justice living in a world where right-wing capitalism, consumerism, wealth hoarding, ecological destruction, racism, sexism, violence, inequality, poverty, and countless other wrongs are rampant. Ha. So many people. But I'll just pick Donald Trump and leave it there, he doesn't require any explanation. (And by the way, the bow and arrow is mentioned because I used to do archery! Would love to do it again one day.)

Spring, summer, autumn, or winter?
Autumn! Definitely. The colours of the changing leaves, warming hearty food like soups and stews and pies and crumbles, the wonderful fresh produce of the year's last harvest, cool and crisp weather, the smell of bonfires, etc. Spring is my second favourite season, and it's been lovely to be able to experience it a lot more this year.

What has been your experience of lockdown?
Honestly, wonderful. While the reason for lockdown is awful, I have loved it. If my circumstances were different I would be struggling, as I know many people have been, so I know I'm fortunate and am grateful. I'm the sort of person who wants a slow, quiet life, and finally the world has gone at my pace for a while, so I've been able to do that too without feeling any guilt or pressure to 'speed up' and 'be productive'. My depression and anxiety have disappeared and these last few months have been the happiest for me in literally 10-15 years. I've not been working - was made redundant at the end of Feb - so have had a real break. I've been able to go out for long walks every day along the beach and through the woods, started to learn to identify birds and trees and flowers and other plants, started every morning by watching a live online nature broadcast by Chris Packham and his zoologist stepdaughter Megan McCubbin (and Springwatch over the last few weeks), joined the Facebook group they created for it which has become a real community, and through all of those have deepened my connection to nature, which has always been one of my greatest loves. I've also done reading and jigsaw puzzles and cross-stitching, and surprisingly haven't watched too much telly. It's been lovely. But the thought of returning to "normal" fills me with dread.

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So that's it! Thank you for reading, I know there were a lot of long answers in there so it's been a long post. I hope it was interesting, and if anyone has any more questions either about the ones above or that you'd like me to include in next month's Q&A, please leave a comment below or on my Facebook page, or send me a direct message. Finally, please do 'Like' the post on Facebook and, if you're so inclined, subscribe in the top-right corner to get new posts sent directly to your email inbox (just those, nothing else, I promise!). :)