I know it's been nearly two months since I last posted anything - sorry! Several times I've started writing something while in a particular mood but then found it difficult to continue once that mood had passed. There's never really any method to my writing, I don't use any kind of structure or planning technique... I just write, for hours, and overthink, and edit, and get very tired...
It's just gone half past midnight on what is now 1st January 2019. A new year. In some ways it's just another day. I've never made much of New Year, most years I've just spent it with my family and this evening I've just been at home alone watching a film like any other night. A couple of guys squeezed through the fencing onto the building site next door and let off some fireworks around half past ten, and several neighbours came out onto their balconies to watch, introducing themselves to each other and sharing a laugh. Then at midnight several firework displays were visible at once across the water (pretty!) and neighbours came out onto balconies again, some attempting to sing Auld Lang Syne without really knowing the words. It sounded nice. I might have gone out and joined them if the Christmas tree wasn't blocking the balcony door, haha.
New Year is often seen as a new start, too, a chance to start afresh, to make changes, etc. I've never really made new year's resolutions, but 2018, especially the second half, has been very difficult for me and I seriously need to make some changes. For months I've been feeling frustrated, angry, afraid, hopeless, incredibly lonely, full of self-loathing, and a few weeks ago I was diagnosed with moderate depression and anxiety. It wasn't a surprise at all, I've been dealing with both of those things for years, but I'm glad to have it confirmed so I can get some help. My family also believe I have mild Asperger's (I don't disagree, it would explain a lot, especially my difficulty with making conversation) and I'm waiting to hear about getting an assessment for that. But I've had enough of feeling so awful, I need to change my life.
So, what changes do I have in mind? What I wanted to do over this last week was to write them down and make proper SMART goals (specific, measurable/meaningful, actionable, realistic and time-bound) out of them, in a bid to make it more likely that I'll do them, have a plan to follow, etc. That hasn't happened. So here's a list of things I want to do, in no particular order:
- CBT: This isn't a personally-selected goal as such, but still something I'll be doing in the near future that should help me make changes. I've been referred for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, to help with the depression, and that eight-week group course starts early February. I'm looking forward to meeting other people who are in a similar boat and learning different things I can do to improve how I feel, or at least find it easier to cope, in everyday life.
- Do a writing course: I've signed up to an online writing course, which I came across several weeks ago and was on sale after Christmas. It's for non-fiction writing and the tutor is a journalist. I can't remember most of what it covers but one of them was how to come up with ideas for and plan pieces. It's a fully-online, start-anytime course, so what I need to somehow make sure I do is start it, and then actually do it, and complete it. I'm really not good at doing and finishing things that are for my own benefit.
- Perhaps restart and finish the nutrition course: Back in March I signed up for a short, basic distance-learning course in nutrition. I did the first of three modules in April... and then just didn't continue. As I said, I'm really not good at completing things that are for my own benefit or that interest me at first, at doing the work, even if I've paid for it. I don't know why, it's really frustrating and I'm hoping that kind of thing might be helped by CBT. I'd like to finish something, and go on to do other courses in other things that interest me, which could help broaden my career options.
- Get a new job: I got my current job while I was still living in Winchester, but living in Woolston now means that my commute is on average an hour and a half each way, exhausting and expensive. I've been looking for a job in Southampton for a few months now and had a few interviews with no luck, but just need to keep trying. Figuring out what my next step work-wise is something else I need to do - being able to spend the majority of my time doing something that is interesting, meaningful, satisfying and fulfilling to me is very important - but for now I just need something still in admin but closer to home so I can have more time and energy to focus on other things.
- Learn to drive: I've never been interested in driving, and didn't get on well at all in my ten hours of lessons in a manual car when I was 19. Since then I've preferred to spend my money on other things such as going on trips, and have built up a fear of driving and being at the mercy of idiots on the road and a fierce resistance to the cost of lessons, buying, running and maintaining a car. I hate the idea, I resent that it's necessary, I don't want to do it - but at last I've reached a point where my fear of my life staying as it is for much longer is bigger than those things. If I can drive I can move out of the city, at least to the suburbs, somewhere I can hear birdsong and there are trees and grass and plants around. I can look for jobs with organisations whose work I love, but which are usually based out in the middle of nowhere, like wildlife and environmental charities. I'll be able to get out more, go to the monthly ceilidhs in Chandlers Ford and more folk gigs and folk festivals and pagan events and National Trust places and all sorts of other things because I won't be restricted by public transport. I might even be able to 'find my tribe' at all these things, hopefully make some friends. I could take up a hobby again, like archery or swing dancing, and go to weekly classes. I'll be able to just hop in the car and go out to the countryside for a walk, and go down to Devon and Cornwall for a weekend, or fly up to Inverness and hire a car in the Highlands. I'll be able to do so much and have more to look forward to in daily life. But I know that learning to drive can be a very long process, so I'm going to look at it less like "learn to drive" and more like "take driving lessons". One at a time. That's doable. Each lesson done is an achievement. What I'd prefer to do is take an intensive course but, unless I delay it by another six months to save up and then use precious annual leave for such a course, I can't afford to do that. I've contacted a few driving schools for lesson prices, but I think I'll just pick one in the morning and book a taster lesson.
- Get out more: I've signed up to the mailing lists and 'liked' the Facebook pages of some local music/performance places, so I can see if there's anything coming up I'd be interested in going to. A few weeks ago I made a pretty spontaneous decision to spend a Friday evening at the Art Café in town at a small folk gig, and it was such a lovely evening, I really enjoyed it, so I want to get out and do things like that more often. I'm thinking perhaps one 'social event' per month, be it a gig or a ceilidh or a dance class or a poetry slam or a creative workshop or a day of board games I have no idea how to play at my friend's house, or whatever. Events and activities where I can interact with other people if I choose to, people who are there because they too like whatever it is - rather than solo leisure activities like taking myself out for a meal and movie, as nice as that is sometimes.
- Save money: I've never properly budgeted (or been taught how) and while I've always been more of a saver than a spender, for the last few months I haven't really been able to do that due to moving and a subsequent increase in rent, bills, food and transport costs, and the amount in my savings account is almost nothing. I want to sit down and figure out a budget, look at where and how I can save money and take action on it, and decide whether I want to put money aside for all of the things I want to save for (driving lessons, car, trips/holidays, future home deposit, and money for everyday leisure) but lesser amounts for each, or just choose one or two for now and be able to save more quickly for those things, sacrificing the others for a while.
- Build up habits of meditation, yoga, mindfulness and gratitude: These things are scientifically proven to help improve your mental wellbeing if you practice them consistently. I'd like to schedule time for them into my day, so something like five minutes of yoga stretches when I wake up each morning and perhaps again before bed, mindfulness moments whenever I can during the day, noting down three things I'm grateful for at the end of each day (or that could be a positive way to start the day, too) and listening to a short guided meditation or piece of soothing music before I go to sleep. Something like that. Start off small. I'd like to attend a meditation course one day, though, and have signed up to the mailing list/liked the Facebook page of the Buddhist meditation centre in town, which holds courses and workshops in meditation and Buddhist teachings.
- Get back into pagan spirituality: I'm not a practising pagan, but it's kind of my spiritual community. Again, once I learn to drive I'll be going to pagan-y events and festivals and finding local meetups. I came across paganism in my early teens and was instantly drawn to it because it encompassed everything I had loved since I was little: the countryside, nature, the different seasons, fairies, witches, magic, folklore and myths and legends (King Arthur and Robin Hood especially), the connected-to-earth culture/way of life of Native Americans and pre-Christian European cultures, etc. There's quite a bit of pagan music on my iPod, and it tends to be what I listen to when I'm feeling stressed or overwhelmed or down about reality. I've neglected that part of me for years and want to reconnect with it, and make it part of my daily life, because it's a core part of who I am and brings me joy.
- Climb Snowdon (or Cadair Idris): Pretty self-explanatory. I've fancied the idea for a while. Not for charity or anything, just for me. A physical challenge instead of a mental one for a change. Should probably think about when I'd like to do that, and do a bit of training!
- Exercise more: Again, something I'd like to make a habit of and incorporate into my days in a structured way, because it's good for your physical and mental health. I already walk a bit, though not as much as I used to, and a few minutes of yoga at the start and/or end of each day will be a start, but I'd like to do more cardio too. Perhaps a starting point could be something like going out for a run around the block for five minutes as soon as I get home from work on a specific day each week (and any day I get home feeling crap), or do 60 seconds of star jumps twice a day.
- Eat more plants: While I do eat pretty healthily, I almost never get the recommended five portions of fruit and veg a day, and when I do eat fruit or veg it's usually the same things, which doesn't provide much nutritional variation. I'd like to make sure I eat the recommended amount most days, and mostly veggies. I'm going to look up some recipes for green veg smoothies and juices, and start taking raw veg sticks to work as snacks sometimes. Eat the rainbow! I don't want to go overboard on it - I also want to let myself eat more pasta and comfort food, haha!
- Read less self-help books: I think that self-help and personal development books count for the largest proportion of what I've read over the last few years. I love them, they're interesting and great, I'm passionate about those kind of topics, but there's just so much information in even just one book, so many things you can do or to think about, that it's overwhelming. I know quite a bit of the theory by now, but haven't really done much to try anything out and and actually learn and progress. I'd like to think less and just start taking action. I'd like to get back to reading just because I love it, because I want to lose myself in another world or am interested in the topic of a book, rather than because I think it could help me sort my life out.
There are so many things I want to do, more than I can mention. My mind gets so full of things I want to do or feel I should do that it's challenging to actually sort them out a bit and think "okay, I want to do this, I can break it down to these things and do them this way". I guess this blog post is less for you readers and more for me, it's my way of sorting some of them out. I've picked ones that are centered around my wellbeing or work/career development/exploration, rather than things I'd just like to do, like learn to make pasta. The challenge now is actually doing them, and I hope I haven't bitten off more than I can chew. All together they seem a lot of things to start trying to do, but I think I've cut them down into small, manageable first steps. We shall see!
Okay, I've been writing this for five hours! To be honest, it's still less than a post usually tends to take, but it does mean it's 5:30am! I'm glad I've managed to get a post done finally, but it's time to wrap this up, I need to sleeeeeeep. This is an awfully long post and thank you if you've continued reading all the way to the end, I hope it's been interesting =]
Here's to a positive 2019!