Q&A, August 2020

Apologies for not posting this last month. I posted the first two Q&As on the 14th of May and June, so wanted to get this one out on the 14th July. But I didn't find this one as easy, and had a lot going on with preparing to move, so just let it take as long as it took. So here you go, my third (and, for now, final) Q&A...

What was your understanding of autism before your diagnosis?
I didn't have much of an understanding of it, I guess it was generally the stereotypical male presentation. I knew autism could include social difficulties, being literal-minded, liking routines, special interests, often sensory issues, repetitive actions (what I now know is called stimming), sometimes non-speaking and sometimes high support needs. I knew enough that it made sense when my family suggested I might be autistic. I've learned a lot in the last year.

When / where do you feel most happy? Why?
In nature, because it's beautiful and fascinating and I love it. At home, because I'm a homebody and an introvert. Dancing at a ceilidh, because it's the most fun ever and gets me out of my head for a few hours.

What's the best piece of advice you've ever been given?
Well, the trouble with me is that I rarely follow advice. I've been given / heard / read plenty of good advice and motivational quotes and such things. Things which I know make sense. But I just can't seem to make myself do whatever it is. I've probably followed lots of little everyday bits of advice over my life, but there isn't a big piece of advice that has stuck with me, a simple yet profound truth that I live my life by, or anything like that. Actually the answer to this question is probably just the advice to go to my GP about my depression and ask for an autism assessment referral at the same time.

What's the best compliment you've ever been given?
I'm not sure. Three things come to mind:
1) People complimenting my writing is always great, and the biggest compliment I've had regarding that is the response to my blog post about my autism diagnosis last year. To date it's had 273 page-views, and while that isn't 273 individual people, just page-views as some would have read it gradually over multiple sittings, it's probably still over 100 readers, when most of my posts get somewhere between 5 and 20 page-views. My family and friends shared it on Facebook so that people I don't even know have read it, and I've had feedback that it's helped other people understand themselves better, too, which is wonderful!
2) Someone once told me they liked how natural, simple, and honest I am in terms of my appearance. (I don't wear make-up or nail varnish, don't dye my hair or style it, don't have any piercings or tattoos, rarely wear jewellery, etc.) I've been told many times that I'm beautiful but while that's nice I don't really care. Someone noticing and telling me they like my simple authenticity, and how it has the bonus of being subtly subversive and rebellious, was a real and lovely compliment which made my day.
3) Back on New Years Eve when my mum and I went to see Greta Gerwig's Little Women at the cinema (BRILLIANT FILM!), my mum said to me "You're like her" - meaning Jo March. That put a massive grin on my face! Who wouldn't want to be compared to Jo March? She's awesome!
...I know that's three answers when one would suffice, hahaha, but I'm terribly indecisive.

If you had a dog, what would you call it?
I've never thought about this because I'd get a cat if I got a pet. (I'd consider a dog, but definitely a cat first.) Not that I've thought about what I'd call the cat, though. I think it would depend on what breed it was, what it looked like, what sort of personality it had, etc. Having just had a quick look at a couple of suggestion lists online, I tend to like somewhat old-fashioned and/or quirky names: Rosie, Matilda, Topher, Pepper, Taffy. I'd call a female black cat Mab, though, after the fairy queen.

If you had a baby, what would you name it?
I wouldn't have a baby. And in case anyone thinks "Okay but hypothetically, if you did have one what would you call it?" - my answer is a valid one. I've known since I was a child myself that I don't want to have children. To quote the wonderful Helen Mirren, "I have no maternal instinct whatsoever. Motherhood holds no interest for me." So I've never given this sort of question any thought. A bit more seriously, this is something that I feel strongly about, and I follow a few Facebook groups/pages for childfree-by-choice women, and those who campaign for women's rights around the world. On one level, even in the UK much of society still can't separate womanhood from motherhood, and react with disbelief, invalidation, and judgement when a woman or girl says she doesn't want to have children. We hear things ranging from the almost-automatic "Oh you'll change your mind one day" to "You're selfish" and worse. A simple "Okay, fair enough" instead will do just fine. But thankfully the UK is still a place where people like me are able to make that decision for ourselves and I count myself lucky. There are countless women and girls all over the world who have no control over their sexual and reproductive lives and what happens to their own bodies.

What's your biggest fear?
I tend to avoid thinking about, or even identifying, what I'm afraid of. There's a lot. I guess the biggest ones are being in an unfulfilled rut and depressed for most of my life, being chronically lonely, getting seriously ill, and dying slowly and painfully or just horribly.

What's your favourite instrumental / classical / non-vocal piece of music?
I love classical music, but don't know it well enough to have an educated favourite piece or composer; my favourites are popular ones like The Lark Ascending by Ralph Vaughan Williams and The Planets: Jupiter by Gustav Holst. I love instrumental folk music too, and 'epic music' too. And soundtrack pieces, I have a lot of those in my collection and listen to them often, so here are my top five instrumental ones of those in no particular order. Most of them I know well enough to recognise them by the very first note...

• Overture from 'Robin Hood Prince of Thieves' - Michael Kamen: https://youtu.be/AGSev1mOSfg This always puts a smile on my face!
• Farewell from Disney's 'Pocahontas' - Alan Menken: https://youtu.be/_EHCOJ8g_9Q Probably among my favourites just because it's one of my favourite films. It's beautiful and sad.
• What Are You Going To Do When You Are Not Saving the World? from 'Man of Steel' - Hans Zimmer: https://youtu.be/HH1l5okI9mE
• Kingdom Dance from Disney's 'Tangled' - Alan Menken: https://youtu.be/chppF5jqKNw My favourite scene from that movie too!
• Reel Around the Sun from 'Riverdance' - Bill Whelan: https://youtu.be/OR4FiK-ar7w 

What's the most creative thing you've ever done?
Probably this blog, as writing is creating, and my photography. Although I guess there's also something pretty creative about half-creating some characters and a vague fictional storyline in your head and attempting to write it down.

When were you right at the end of your tether but pushed through?
I'm not sure. I tend to avoid things, so it's hard to even think of some times I've been near the end of my tether, because I don't let myself get there. Either that or I block it out afterwards and forget. Or I just compare too much and don't think I'm near the end of my tether because it's nowhere near as bad as other people's. Maybe my depression. The worst time was the second half of 2018. My work at the time was part of the problem and I ended up calling in sick quite often because I just couldn't face going in, then self-certified off for a full week in the end, just before Christmas. But I had to go in most of the time, and got through the days. In the first week of January I got a new job and was able to hand my notice in, so I knew I just had four more weeks to get through.

Can we read some of your writing?
Well, this blog is my writing! Haha. No, the person who asked this meant the story I mentioned in the answer to the 'favourite song' question in my June Q&A - the story that's been with me since I was very young but I've never finished. I've never really started it, not properly - all I have written down are just everyday scenarios, I don't have a proper plan, or any ideas of truly interesting happenings like challenges, and I don't even really know the characters' characters well and how they could develop and grow. So no, it's not something I want to share, sorry.

Will you play D'n'D?
Hahaha. This was asked by one of my friends who has for many years been trying to get me to play D&D with him. (For anyone who doesn't know, DnD / D&D / D'n'D is Dungeons & Dragons, a fantasy tabletop role-playing game/RPG.) I've always thought I'd be hopeless at games like that. I'm hopeless at many games. He did persuade me last year to join a Star Trek tabletop RPG... but I just spent the entire time five hours utterly baffled and slowly shrinking into my chair, haha. Decision-making and improvising are most definitely not my forté. So the answer to this question is, I have no plans to agree anytime soon.

If you won tens of millions of pounds on the lottery, what would you do?
Go on some family holidays. Buy my own home, in the countryside or on the edge of a lovely village or market town, with a bit of land that I could use a small part of for a kitchen garden and flower garden and rewild the rest of it. Fill that home with lovely old furniture, and art. Buy family members a home if they wanted to move. Learn to drive, reluctantly. Go on various trips, especially a cooking/language course in Italy.

Where do you want to be in 5 or 10 years time?
I've never been someone who has a 5-year or 10-year plan. I have no idea what I want to do. The only things I know I do want are to be living by myself, and to have a job I like and in which I can use and develop my strengths, and which pays me enough to live by myself in a decent and comfortable place, have a bit of a leisure life, and put money in savings each month. But perhaps I should consider living life a bit and doing something way out of my comfort zone like move abroad again for a little while at some point.

What do you have a hard time accepting / what don't you like so much about yourself?
I hate that I am absolutely awful at replying to messages, especially long ones. I often don't know how to respond to something straight away, so I leave it, planning to come back to it and hopefully think of something to say. But then it's a combination of being forgetful, never remembering at a convenient time, and not figuring out things to say. So a lot of the time I either take ages to respond or end up never responding, which has meant that over the years I've lost touch with people who could have been good friends, or potential close friendships have not been able to develop fully. It's awful and I hate it but don't know how to change it.

What's something most people don't know about you?
I used to do archery, and although I'm normally right-handed it turned out that, for archery, I am left-handed. And I'm quite nerdy: I love Star Trek, animated shows like Avatar: The Last Airbender and She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, and Studio Ghibli films. 

Do you have a favourite piece of art? If so, what and why?
There are some sculptures I've seen on my travels which I've never forgotten. Bernini ones, particularly in Galleria Borghese in Rome. The craftsmanship and level of skill is stunning, so detailed and realistic, like the flowing of fabrics and the pressing of fingers into skin. Psyche Revived By Cupid's Kiss by Antonio Canova in the Louvre, because I like that story (well, I prefer the Greek version of it). The Angel of Grief by William Whetmore Story in Rome's Non-Catholic Cemetery, because it's achingly beautiful.

What's your ideal day?
Something with a lovely long country walk with nice company and good food somewhere along the line, maybe a visit to a farm shop or farmer's market, followed by relaxing at home with a film in the evening.

What motivates you to work hard?
Hmm. Well, other than fear (of like, y'know, getting told off or something), I'm still trying to figure that out to be honest.

When you were small, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A farmer's wife, hahaha! That's the earliest one I remember. I guess I didn't really know that girls could be farmers, or that you could live in the countryside without being a farmer. I just wanted to live in the countryside, and liked the idea of helping out on the farm, in the garden, growing veggies, cooking in the kitchen, feeding people. Nowadays I just don't really picture myself being a hostess, what with my social difficulties, haha, and I wouldn't want to be the one cooking every day unless I lived by myself.

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Thank you to everyone who asked questions, and thank you for reading these Q&As :)

130 days of daily walks

Thursday 30th July was the 130th day in a row that I went for my daily walk! Yay!

I started counting on Monday 23rd March - the day when lockdown was announced in the evening. I know that 130 days - 18 and a half weeks, just over four months - is nothing for people who have dogs, or who are already in the habit of going for a walk every single day. But it's something of an achievement for me, and I'm quite proud of myself for keeping at it.

Working office jobs over the last four and a half years got me going out for walks at lunchtime to stretch my legs, get some fresh air, and get my eyes away from walls and a computer screen, but sometimes that was only 20 minutes, and it was very easy to just say "Eh, I won't go out today" because it was too rainy or too cold or too hot or I just didn't feel like it. I love walking, but unless I'm meeting friends it's always been very hard to motivate myself to catch a bus and train to get myself out to the countryside at weekends, so taking long leisurely walks or hikes has generally only been something I've done on a few trips, or the odd occasion with family or friends. But, as we in the UK were allowed to go outside for one form of exercise each day during lockdown, I've had the opportunity over the last four months to intentionally go for a walk every day, and in nature instead of along concrete streets.

Bluebells in the wood

I'm very fortunate that I live on the edge of the city and am a five-minute walk away from a mile-long shingle beach. Despite having lived here since August 2018, until this last February I'd only been there a handful of times and only once or twice gone beyond the far end of the beach, where the coast path continues on towards Royal Victoria Country Park. Behind the promenade is a mown-grass field where people can walk their dogs, kick a ball around, have picnics, sunbathe etc.; a bit further along is another grassy area left to go wilder, trodden paths winding through long grasses; and at the far end of that, behind the road behind the beach, is a 150-acre nature reserve with woodland and grasslands. So, having discovered the latter only a few months ago, I've been able to get out into open spaces with water, birds and other wildlife, grass, trees, flowers, and lots of plants and greenery.

I've really loved being able to get out and spend an hour and a half or more outside in the fresh air every day. Nature has always been one of my greatest loves, and for the first time in my life I've been able to let that come to the surface and be part of my daily life. I go slowly, looking, noticing, observing. I don't take a notebook, but take lots of photos and use those as memory prompts, visual notes rather than written, and occasionally make a note on my phone if a picture won't do. I've taken hundreds of photos, uploading some to Facebook to share with family and friends. (And Instagram - the link to that is on the right-hand side of this page.) I kind of wish, though, that I had created a habit of taking a notebook and making notes every day as well, just a short summary and key points, a daily log; they'd be interesting to look back on.

The beach at low tide

On the beach I watch and listen to the waves, and gaze out at the light glinting on the water, glittery and pretty. I watch the swells and how the surface shifts, smooth and glossy like silk or rippling and shivering, rolling and undulating, the waves meeting the shore gently lapping, or stretching up, or crashing with a rush and roar and a tumble of pebbles as they fall back. When the sun's low and the sky blue, the water looks like satin and the softly-breaking waves like molten silver. I've gone paddling in the water several times, which is good fun and helps me to focus on where I am and tune out my thoughts for a while so I'm in the present moment. The beach is prettier when the tide's in, but when the tide's out there are wading birds on the mud flats; gulls and oyster-catchers mainly, plus the occasional egret and some smallish brown birds that were too far away to identify. There was a great crested grebe or two that liked to hang around sometimes when the tide was in, but I haven't seen them for a couple of months, and the swans which made an appearance every now and then in the first few weeks have now reappeared with six fluffy cygnets in tow!

One of my favourite days was 30th April because it was really stormy, with heavy dark clouds and pelting rain. I ventured out that afternoon during a break in the rain, dressed in wellies and waterproof trousers as well as a raincoat. I just reached the shore when it started raining again and lightning flashed a few miles away on the other side of Southampton Water, so I hid against the wall under a balcony at the sailing clubhouse until I was sure that wasn't heading my way. It moved on quickly and some sunlight broke through to shine on the beach and the water, creating an awesome contrast with the slate-dark clouds. I decided it would be fun to walk in the rain, so carried on, and sure enough ten minutes later the water darkened further and the rain moved towards me in sheets. For a minute I didn't put my hood up, just stood there giggling with joy, letting the raindrops land on me and listening to them hit the water and the pebbles and the tarmac and the trees on the path behind. Everything was quiet except for the rain, the wind, the waves, and the birds. It was awesome, so much fun!

Stormy skies

In the woods, I'll stop and watch a bee buzz around, look up and around at the canopy and how the sunlight plays on everything, the contrast with the shadows, or sit on one of the old building foundations for a while and listen to the birds singing, the squirrels scuttling about, and the wind in the leaves. If I catch a nice scent then I take deep breaths, trying to smell as much of it as I can for as long as I can. I've started to learn to identify birds by sight and sound, and flowers and trees. I've seen song thrushes, nuthatches, tree-creepers, and great spotted woodpeckers all for the first time, and jay fledglings. I often hear small creatures squeak and scurry about unseen in the undergrowth, saw a couple of rats once scampering back into the nettles, and two little mice or voles once crossed the path just a few feet in front of me. I was excited to see a kestrel one day, hovering over the little grassland between the road and the tower blocks, and buzzards gliding over the nature reserve.

One joy has been hearing and seeing a fox. There may be and probably is more than one in those woods, but I have no way of knowing. I've heard it twice - a single bark in the first week, and then a month ago I had the amazing experience of listening to it repeatedly barking like 10 metres away for a full 10 minutes. And I've caught a fleeting glimpse of it twice. One day in May I was just sat in my favoured spot as usual and was still and silent for long enough that it thought nobody was around and went wandering, and I caught the movement just in time to look and see its back and tail slip through a gap in the undergrowth five metres away. Then more recently I was walking along one of the paths and heard a sudden scurrying in the dry leaves of the area of wood to my left, looked and saw it bounding away! Amazing.

Magnificent beech trees

I've been able to see the seasons gradually shift from almost-spring to late summer. Wood anemone and lesser celandine gave way to bluebells and blackthorn blossom and dandelions, then to apple and hawthorn blossoms, buttercups, and the forget-me-nots and other wildflowers planted on the verge by the car park, then elderflower, dog roses, honeysuckle, foxglove, and all the wild carrot family. Now even lady's bedstraw, the pea family, and bright yellow ragwort are fading, and blackberries and hazelnuts are starting to ripen. Fuzzy buds on the trees turned into soft, tender, translucent leaves, which took on a glorious almost neon vibrancy for just a couple of days before maturing into thick, dark, heavy foliage. As the sunlight grew stronger and brighter, the woods darkened as the canopy thickened, providing a cool, shadowy refuge from the hot sun. Birdsong increased, then peaked, then lessened again as they found mates and started nesting, and now most of the birds are very quiet as they hide away for molting. A pair of great spotted woodpeckers made a nest in a dead tree right next to the path, so I got some great views of them and the chick. I've seen butterflies in the wood and in the grasslands - speckled wood, orange tip, small heath, marbled white, small white, red admirals, a comma, a small skipper, a gatekeeper, a white admiral, a pale blue/white one on the beach, and some yellowy ones. I've also seen a couple of damselflies by the stream in the woods, and an enormous beetle flying and land on a tree (likely a stag beetle, that's the largest one we have over here). (Did you know that ladybirds are a type of beetle? It hadn't occurred to me before, but of course they are.) I think my favourite types of tree in this wood are the ash and birch, purely because they make a particularly lovely rustle in the wind.

Germander speedwell

As lockdown restrictions eased and we were allowed to drive to different places and see family and friends again, some walks have been elsewhere. A couple, to be honest, weren't walks, but rather afternoons spent in gardens. I counted them because part of the purpose of going for a walk is to get out into nature, be surrounded by it, look at it, notice and observe, and I did those things on those days. I was surrounded by trees and flowers and birds, watched and listened to them, and went round looking closely at the flowers, and the bees and butterflies feeding on them.

I feel very lucky that over the last four months I've been able to spend more time outdoors in nature, delve into it more, learn a bit more about it, and encounter other people who love it too (albeit online, and being an observer rather than joining in by interacting through the comments etc.). It's spurred me to apply for a full-time college course covering ecology, conservation, habitat management, wildlife surveys, etc., something part of me wishes I'd done years ago, so fingers crossed I get accepted onto that. And so many other people have benefited from this opportunity to notice, experience, and connect to nature more, either in more depth, or in new ways, or even for the first time. Long-time nature lovers have been joined by new enthusiasts.

Great spotted woodpecker

The lessened presence, disturbance, and dominance of humans during full lockdown, before restrictions started to be eased, meant that Nature and wildlife had a chance to breathe and relax. For the first few weeks of lockdown the beach was almost empty, I'd pass only a handful of people there and in the woods. No litter. No dog poo. Roads were empty. The sky was empty of aircraft and their contrails. Air and noise pollution levels went right down. Birdsong was more audible. Ground-nesting birds and mammals in places usually only reachable by car were left undisturbed by dogs and walkers while we weren't allowed to drive to take exercise. Grass verges were left un-mown and roadside trees and shrubs un-strimmed (I hate seeing those splintered remains), providing fantastic habitats for wildlife. The building site opposite my flat was empty, and the harsh white safety lights not turned on at night, which was nice for me in that my room was much darker than usual, but it would have also been good for nocturnal flyers like bats and moths. Animals wandered around more, roamed further, felt safer: mountain goats in the streets of Llandudno, seabirds and dolphins in the Venetian canals, fallow deer grazing on the lawns of a London housing estate. The benefit of human lockdown to the natural environment and wildlife has been so obvious that, wonderfully, Thailand's government announced in May that they will be closing all of their national parks for two months every year from now on.

Fairy door

Of course, people have gradually returned. The beach and promenade are busy, with oyster-diggers, fishermen, kite-surfers, jet-skiers, the ice-cream and burger vans, runners, roller-skaters, dog-walkers, families, friends, and people having a nice time. The sounds and smells are just Summer all over so it's quite nice in a way. But with the positives have also returned the negatives. Cars. Pollution. Roadkill. Dog poo. Litter. Litter. Litter.

Nature has been here for many of us over the last few months. As we start to return to "normal", it is time for us to be there for nature, the natural world, the earth, our planet - to show up for it, fight for it. Create a new normal, a better one, not just in terms of our relationship with the natural world but with each other too.

Person sitting on the beach by an oak tree

I'm finishing this post off a week later. We moved over the weekend, out of the city to our mum and stepdad's place in a town more inland, so I'll be taking walks elsewhere from now on. While I'll miss the beach and the nature reserve, and how quick and easy it is to get to them, I'm looking forward to finding some new places and getting to know the countryside around here a bit.

Selfie in the woods