Dorset 2022

Saturday 28th May

Yay, holiday!

This is a much-belated week away for my stepdad's 50th with his side of the family, after we were all meant to go to Spain in 2020. It's a two-hour drive down to the Bridport area, and we arrived in the town with a bit of time to spare before we could check into the cottage a few miles away, so stopped at a petrol station to get some Magnums and ate them there in the forecourt, haha. I made a mental note of the local independent farm shop and bakery opposite.

The cottage is lovely, part of an old farmhouse out in the winding single-track lanes near a village called West Milton. The building has three cottages: one for the owners, and two holiday rentals. It's chilly indoors, but outside there's a little terrace that catches the afternoon sun, and a lovely big garden area the other side of the drive that's just for our use. That'll be lovely to visit early in the morning when people aren't up yet, or at night to look at the stars. From one spot on the driveway you can even see the sea in the distance. I'm looking forward to trying the cider in the fridge, a complimentary bottle of local stuff from a farm up the road. I spent a few hours working on my final college assignment before dinner (and thankfully the house warms up once the heating comes on) then the six of us who have arrived so far enjoy dinner outside. I didn't like the cider, haha, but at least it won't go to waste with so many people here. Later I wander over to the garden and stroll through the adjoined meadow as dusk falls. I don't stay up late enough to see the stars fully out, but gaze at them for a few minutes through my window when I wake up in the middle of the night.

Sunday

Despite leaving the blinds of the roof windows open - there are no streetlights out here - it's not till an hour and a half after sunrise that I wake up. I'd like to leave the windows open more than they are, too, to hear the near-silence and birdsong of a country morning, but it's too cold.

Others are due to arrive in the afternoon so four of us set off in the morning on a 7.5-mile walk from the cottage around the local countryside. I noticed a couple of orchids - common spotted orchid and pyramidal orchid. Lots of long grass, stiles, and some steep hills. We stopped for a rest and lunch at a spot overlooking a road and a hedgelayer I follow on Instagram drove past in his shepherd's-hut van, haha. We had to shelter under a tree for a few minutes during a shower, but got back to the cottage just in time, five minutes before the rain really hit.

Too tired to do much in the afternoon. Cast Away was on telly so we watched that. Had chicken and ham with salad and warm crusty baguette for dinner. Weather cleared later on so I went out to the garden. Saw some bats, yay! No hedgehogs or foxes or owls, though.

Monday

Spent a few hours in West Bay. After an initial walk along the pier, I went off on my own and made my way to the Discovery Centre, which sadly was closed. But behind it is the fossil shop, which sells ones found by a local expert in nearby Charmouth, and I gave into temptation and bought one, hehe. Then I decided to go for a walk, up and along the East Cliffs. There are so many 'desire lines' worn into the steep slope up from the beach, criss-crossing all over it, I'm surprised there aren't any proper maintained steps, although there must be a reason for that I suppose. One day all the little paths up will be eroded down together and there won't be any turf left for a foothold.

I walked along to where the cliffs next slope down to the beach at Burton Freshwater. Only about a kilometre, 15 minutes or so, but there are a few steep hills to climb up and down. It's the third time I've been to West Bay and walked that short fragment of South West Coast Path in the last year, haha. Took my shoes off and went back along the beach. Spent too much time looking down at the pebbles for fossils! Had to make myself look up and around. It's gorgeous there. And I just love stopping to look up at the cliffs, impressively tall and awe-inspiring with all their layers, layers that give hints about the distant past if you take the time to notice. I picked up a small piece of rock from a pile of collapsed cliff; it really is just compacted sand, it didn't take much effort to crumble it up in my fingers. Blew my mind that it had been a solid cohesive chunk for like 175 million years. I wondered what the blue-grey rocks at the very bottom of the cliffs were, how they were formed and when, but apparently they're the same stuff as the rest of the rest of the 45+ metres above it. The particular type of sandstone there contains something that oxidises when exposed to air, turning the cliffs that golden-browny-yellow colour - the blue-grey rocks are relatively recently exposed and therefore still un-oxidised.

I had a lovely time there, thoroughly enjoyed those few hours. And to top it all off, several minutes after making myself stop scanning the pebbles for fossils, I stopped to look at the waves for a minute, then looked down... and saw a fossil! Hahaha! What luck! Nowhere near as impressive as the one I'd bought from the shop, but still cool, and very exciting. Another rock to add to my growing windowsill collection, haha.

Tuesday

Mapperton House and Gardens. Well, just the gardens really, the house (home to the Earl and Countess of Sandwich) is only viewable on scheduled guided tours. It's a gorgeous exterior though, an L-shaped 17th century Jacobean mansion made of the lovely warm golden-yellow local stone, with ancient wood-framed gates set into the low wall surrounding the house, enclosing a small square of manicured lawn and flower borders full to bursting. The gardens are reached through another gate along the side of the house, leading to a rectangular lawn and more flower borders along the boundary wall. It started to rain shortly after we arrived; the others took cover in a stone gazebo of sorts a little further along, while I happily stood underneath a mature tree and didn't mind the odd drop reaching me. After about ten minutes the rain passed and we continued into the formal Italianate gardens, terraced into the steep little valley the house sits of the edge of. It was pretty. Large areas were paved but it was old so plants were growing through the cracks. There were more flowers, and topiary, and trees and shrubs, and a fountain, and two rectangular ponds one of which is now used as a swimming pool.

I wandered off to explore the wooded part of the grounds for a while, then rejoined the others for lunch in the restaurant; the carrot and coriander soup was nice, but everything took quite a while to arrive.

The final two members of the party arrived late afternoon. After dinner we all sat in the living room and listened to everyone's favourite songs; there were 11 of us so it took a while, but was a nice way to spend the evening :)

Wednesday

Lyme Regis :) I went off on my own again. Decided to visit the museum, which I enjoyed. They had lots of info about Mary Anning and her contemporary fossil hunters, as well as lots of fossils, and other things on the history of the town. My favourite thing in there was the Cabinet of Curiosities. A History of Earth Time Line wraps around the four sides of the box; it contains our planet's history in a single calendar year, with 1cm representing 12.5 million years. You may have heard it before: when geological history is represented as a single year, Homo sapiens appear in the last few minutes of December 31st. It's mind-boggling. I quite like that we are, in this way, utterly insignificant. My favourite thing in the Cabinet of Curiosities were the small rock samples you could look at through hand lenses placed inside the glass. I was literally looking at them open-mouthed, going "Wow!" like a child, especially at the Oolitic Limestone - made up of tiny grains of calcium carbonate - and the tiny fossil of a freshwater snail in the Purbeck Marble.

After a couple of hours in the busy museum, I returned to the fresh air and sunshine and bought a honey and ginger ice-cream from a kiosk on the beachfront, and sat on the shingle to enjoy it. Then I made my way past the half-term crowds on the sandy beach over to Monmouth Beach on the other side of the Cobb. I wanted to see the fossil beach and Ammonite Pavement, a limestone ledge containing large ammonite fossils, but didn't realise how far down it was, so I didn't get to see it before having to turn back to meet my family to go back to the house. I did find, though, a tiny piece of crystal geode inside a rock that someone had broken open; most of it had been taken but the end had snapped off and been left behind. Fossil-hunting is encouraged there, to prevent many being lost to the sea, but there are guidelines. I'd like to go back one day, and go on a guided fossil-hunting walk.

Oolitic limestone viewed through a hand lens

We had a dinner reservation at the restaurant at nearby Bredy Farm. It's a working farm that's diversified with a campsite and restaurant and events, etc. I had stayed there one night on the camping trip last year, and by complete coincidence it's where my grandad decided to book to stay in his campervan on this holiday, and where my stepbrother-in-law's dad works. On my camping trip we arrived there late at night so didn't get to see the restaurant - so I was expecting a casual woodfired pizza place... but no, it's a proper Italian restaurant with pricey dishes, and is so popular that you have to book weeks in advance. We sat outside and it was very rustic and pretty, with wooden tables decorated simply with white pillar candles and tankards filled with herbs and wildflowers, and to my delight there were swallows and house martins darting about to and from their nests on the old farm buildings, the yellow stone lit warmly by the sunset. The menu was puzzling though, with dish names largely in Italian so that the waiting staff are obliged to explain to probably every table what half the dishes are. And there were no carbs with most of them; there was just one pasta option, and that a spicy one. For carbs and the relatively low cost I ordered one of the woodfired pizzas with fennel salami on, which was nice.  I also ordered a half-pint of one of their own ciders but didn't like it, haha, but that's just me, I'm very picky when it comes to alcohol. For dessert I had a rhubarb and strawberry crumble, which was yummy! 

Thursday

I took my sister and stepbrother on a 7-mile walk along the coast path from Charmouth to West Bay. I did that section last summer on the camping trip with my friend and it's challenging with lots of steep hills, but that means the views are stunning. It was sunny and warm and we took it at a leisurely pace, pausind when we needed to, and thankfully there was a nice breeze. After about an hour and a half we reached Golden Cap, the highest point on the south coast, and lingered there a while taking in the views stretching down the coast, all the way to Portland in the east and - just visible in the haze - the headlands of Torbay and hills of Dartmoor in the west. 

Less than an hour later we reached the just-over-halfway point of Seatown, where, as we were just about to head off again after a quick loo stop, a text message informed us the whole family was down there at the beach! So we went to find them and sat down for a while. We were quite conflicted, partly wanting to stay and enjoy a family day at the beach, but also feeling like we wanted to finish what we set out to do. So we stayed a while and then set off on the second half of the walk. The walk up the hill from Seatown was the steepest one yet.And at one point I looked up to see the path I was following fell off the edge of a cliff a short way ahead! Quickly moved left away from it, thankfully it was an open piece of land so another route had started to be worn into the grass. I don't remember seeing that cliff fall last year, with the fence literally hanging off the edge and still connected at both ends. We reached West Bay around 3pm, about 4 hours and 20 minutes after setting off in Charmouth, and sat down to enjoy some well-earned food! I finally got some fish'n'chips and Dorset apple cake :)

As the sun sets I go to sit outside on the terrace. After a while a white bird flies overhead from behind the house and I just assume it's a gull - until it glides low and continues into the orchard and over to the meadow. BARN OWL!!!!!! I've never seen a wild one. I stand up, jaw dropping, and quickly tiptoe over to the orchard where I sit down to keep watch. To my delight it does appear again, several times as it moves around the fields in the area, hunting. Interestingly it doesn't cross the middle of the meadow, but always flies around the edges - which meant it flew within ten metres of me a few times, which was wonderful. What an awesome experience :)

Friday

Three more of the party left in the morning. We would be dropping my sister off at Weymouth train station later in the afternoon so four of us went east to Abbotsbury Beach (part of Chesil Beach) to spend a few hours there before she left. It was quite busy and the people next to us had music on, which bothered me, so along with the uncertainty of what to do with myself that I always feel at the beach, I quickly grew restless and decided to go for a walk to see the nature reserve. Only it turned out you can't. The South West Coast Path turns inland, so after following that for a few minutes I turned around, wanting to stay near the sea especially in the warm, stuffy weather. I thought I might be able to walk along the beach so I could see the lagoon, but didn't want to risk it after seeing signs saying it was private land. So I sat down in an empty spot where I couldn't hear the people I could see, finished my book and watched and listened to the waves. The empty, lifeless, shingle bank stretching out into the distance looked very lunar, if that can be an acceptable description for a place by the sea, or like it belonged to some remote desert-bordered coastline. After being gone a couple of hours I rejoined my family, and we stayed about half an hour longer before leaving for Weymouth - and just in time too, for it started to rain shortly after we left.

The rest of us departed on Saturday morning.

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It was lovely to get away for a week to somewhere so gorgeous. I love it down there and really want to go back. I even bought an annual membership to the Lyme Regis Museum as it was just £1 more than a day ticket, haha, and I know I can get the Jurassic Coaster bus down there from Weymouth or Exmouth during the summer months. I do have a few adventures planned over the next few months to look forward to though, starting with North Yorkshire with my friend next month! :)

Turning 30

Today was my 30th birthday! So I just wanted to write a little something, because it's a milestone. Having said that, I don't really know what, haha.

It's been quite a nice day. I had college, and instead of normal lessons we had the practical part of our synoptic assessment. So I spent most of the day in the library working on an assignment, and then a couple of hours outside in the afternoon clearing some pond vegetation. The snow showers were amusing! but the physical work meant we kept warm, and I'm glad it was fairly easy and straightforward so I didn't get frustrated like I usually do in practicals. But I had some lovely messages from friends in the morning, and this evening has been very nice, just spent at home, I got some really lovely gifts and enjoyed some yummy food :) Looking forward to more celebrations over the weekend.

Of course, I don't feel any different to yesterday. But I do feel different from two years ago. Generally, my teens and twenties weren't that great, although of course there were good times which I do need to remember. Much of it was filled with depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, stress, loneliness, feeling stuck and directionless, and things I would rather forget. But I have come a long way, and over the last couple of years things have changed. I'm now the happiest I've ever been. I'm on a path I want to be on and that feels right, even if I don't know what's ahead and am a bit nervous. I understand myself better and accept myself more, and am clearer about what I do and don't want. I'm figuring out ways to deal with things I find difficult. I'm comfortable and content, and have some wonderful friends and family. So, actually, I'm quite looking forward to my thirties, they may be my best years yet :)

New year, same me

Ah, New Year.

I've spent the last week stewing over writing something about resolutions, reflecting, and intentions (during breaks from stewing over college assignments...). I've never been one for New Year's Resolutions, but do quite like the gentler concepts of reflecting on the past year and what you've learned, and having general intentions for the year ahead, a list of things you'd like to do, or maybe a word or theme for the year. But, I'm not really any good at those things, either. Three years ago I wrote a blog post of intentions for 2019 but then proceeded to not do much about them. I chose the same 'word for the year' two years running because I didn't actually make any conscious effort to build it into my life. And I'm not the sort of person who can easily realise, remember, and articulate how I've grown in a certain area of life over a period of time.

I did start writing a list of things I would like to do this year, but at the third item it just began to feel like pressure. More about what I feel I should do rather than what brings me joy. They are things I would like to do, but I realised I don't have the headspace right now to spend time thinking about it, figuring out how to break them into actionable steps that don't put my brain into fear mode. Because that's the thing about 'resolutions' - our brains are literally not designed to keep them.

I love neuro-psychology (if that's the correct term - the relationships between our brain mechanisms and emotions and behaviour and evolution, etc, why we respond to things the way we do, maybe it's behavioural psychology, anyway!), so here's a fun and fascinating fact. Our brains are literally not designed to keep large, vague goals like New Year's Resolutions. Resolutions are usually quite big compared to what we do in our daily lives, so our brains are suddenly faced with the prospect of, say, going to the gym every day when you usually only go a few times a month. If we make goals that are too different from our current habits, too unfamiliar, our hunter-gatherer brain feels like it's in danger - and we flee, or freeze, or fight. So we need to break them down and start small, really small, with promises we know we can keep, and anchor them to the habits we already have in place.

One of the things I've wanted to do (well, honestly, felt I should do) for years is start journaling, because I know it's a good way to process feelings, increase self-understanding, and track progress, growth, and learning. But I am an overthinker and perfectionist who knows I would find it hard to just write, and I don't want to feel like I have nothing to write most days, or to look back and cringe at what I've written. But at Christmas my friend gave me a 2022 diary/planner, so I've decided to take that opportunity and use it as a journal. Instead of saying "I'm going to journal every day", I've broken it down a little and plan to write something about my day each night before switching the lamp off for sleep - and to put something like 'I don't feel I have anything to write about today' if that's the case. I've kept it up so far, but it feels quite strange, just writing about my day, it's not something I'll want to read back so part of me wonders what the point is in mentioning mundane things. But it's somewhere I can write about special days or moments, like the big family meet-up at the coast on New Year's Day, instead of just relying on photos for memories. And I'm hoping it will prove to be useful when I need to process emotions or something, as long as I do just write and don't overthink it. And it's somewhere I can write about interesting things I've read or learned.

We live in a culture that constantly tells us we should be doing more, moving faster, working harder. Improving. We internalise that message and feel bad about ourselves when we don't or can't do those things. I love Queer Eye but on one episode Bobby said "Your 20s are for working your ass off". Maybe. I sure don't, though. I don't know how. And I've been hard on myself about that. But writing this I've realised that actually maybe I do work my ass off, but it's just not at the level or speed I've been told I should be doing. And that certainly means it'll take me "longer" to "get" somewhere (compared to who, though? everyone's different), but I'm okay with that. I don't like hustle culture, so I'm not going to take any notice if it criticises me.

Personal growth is important and we sometimes do need to push ourselves. There is a place for uncomfortable truths and doing work to help us be better people in our interactions and relationships with others. There are things I would like to do, skills I would like to develop, and frustrating habits I would like to break. But thinking about it this week, I've stopped being so hard on myself about various things, including about struggling to reflect, make intentions, and take action. My brain isn't naturally geared to do such things and I haven't been taught to do them. Maybe journaling will help with processing and reflecting - heck, writing this post has helped with it, I've come to a few realisations - and they're things that I'll gradually find easier. Or not, and that's okay. I've decided to not pressure myself next New Year too, to reflect and make intentions, even to stay up till midnight if I'm at home. In a world that loves to ask young people where they see themselves in 5 or 10 years time, it's okay that I don't know what my life plans are and tend to figure it out on the way. The 'new beginning' energy of New Year makes it a nice time for starting something new or addressing something you'd like to change, sure, but it's not necessarily better than any other time of year. If you want to, great, go for it, but don't be hard on yourself, and break it down into small manageable steps. It doesn't have to be on the first of January, or of any month, or a new moon, or a solstice or equinox, or a Monday, or a date with a nice round number. It can be a random Thursday in July. Any day of the year. Whenever the inspiration strikes from something personal, whenever you want or need to. For now, I have enough to keep me occupied and to look forward to for a while yet.

Some good things from 2021: The gift of friendship and the joy of feeling accepted and that people want to spend time with you. A couple of great weekends away with friends. Creating a regular yoga practice. Passing the first year of my college course - and not only passing, but getting a Distinction. Doing well in driving lessons. Learning new things that help me understand and accept myself more and have a better idea of what I do and don't want.

Some things I'd like to do in 2022: Do more of what I enjoy. Don't be so hard on myself. Keep a journal. Eat more veggies. Grow some more veggies and herbs and flowers. Go for a walk more often, in daily life. Dance more often. Continue going on trips, solo and with others, and exploring the country. Learn to use the DSLR camera I was given in summer 2020. Make some photo albums. Continue remembering that done is better than perfect.

Word for the year: For the last two years I've chosen "Connection", but that's super vague so of course I haven't made any conscious effort, taken any thought-out action, to connect more in my life, be it to my family or friends or myself or the natural world. Which is why I've chosen it two years in a row. But, it's kind of happened anyway, I have connected more, happily. I've decided to make "Connection" my word, my focus, generally. It's always been something that I've wanted to feel more of in my life and still is, and will be for many years.

Take a few minutes to read through this lovely list of 100 ways to slightly improve your life without really trying. 

Finally, I love what Fearne Cotton wrote on Instagram (although I know what she says is easier said than done!):

"New year, same old me.

I do not need to improve myself. You do not need to improve yourself.

I just need to love myself a little more. You just need to love yourself a little more.

When you love yourself you...

 - know when to rest

 - know when to push yourself creatively

 - stop hanging out with people that make you feel like sh*t

 - do more of what you actually love

 - don't beat yourself up so much when you make mistakes

 - and subsequently don't mind so much when others make mistakes

 - look after yourself

 - make sleeping and eating well a priority

 - let go of the past with ease

 - look to the future more positively

 - are up for trying new things.

It's definitely worth a go."

Thanks for reading! :)

Reflecting on the past year

It's been a little over a year now since the first Covid-19 lockdown began in the UK, and I recently had my second birthday in a row under those restrictions, so - as the country starts to open up again for what is hopefully the last time - I wanted to write something about my experience of the past year. 

In March 2020 I was sharing a flat with my sister in Southampton, had been made redundant a few weeks before at the end of February, and was planning to do a few months of temp work before leaving the city when the tenancy on the flat expired in early August. I'd then spend three months doing volunteer work exchange on small organic farms around the country - helping out in return for meals and accommodation, the 'WWOOFing' that I did in Canada. I wanted to take the opportunity to do something different after four and a half years in entry-level admin jobs, and my sister wanted her own place.

Instead, I remained unemployed. Thankfully I was eligible for enough Universal Credit to cover my share of the rent and bills, so I spent last spring and summer entirely at leisure. It didn't bother me that that leisure time had to be spent at home; I'm a homebody, and was lucky to be living in a nice place. Something I noticed pretty early on, and was grateful for, was that some of my introvert and autistic traits which have meant I've always struggled socially, and the things I've learned because of those struggles, were, at this time, actually allowing me to easily cope with the enforced isolation that so many people were finding incredibly difficult. ...I'm actually feeling quite emotional thinking about that right now.

I took full advantage of our being allowed to go out for daily exercise and went for a nice long walk every day, along the mile-long beach a five-minute walk away and around the nature reserve at the other end. I started taking notice of what was around me on those walks, especially all the flowers and plants that were springing up, and taking photos of those things - hundreds of photos over the months. My mostly-smartphone point-and-shoot nature photography is now another creative outlet for me, and something my family and friends enjoy seeing when I periodically upload some to Facebook. I learned to identify some of the flowers and plants I was seeing, and some birds by sight or song or both. I read, I embroidered, I did jigsaw puzzles, I danced, I watched nature-related livestreams, I tried to make elderflower cordial and cinnamon buns. I definitely wish I'd scrolled through social media far less and read books far more, and part of me wishes I'd cooked more things I love to eat, and at least learned a little bit of Italian. But generally, I ignore the voice that tells me I should have done more with all that free time. It's been a year of collective stress, fear, and trauma, and what matters is getting through that. I was content, safe, and healthy, and needed a break from our society's obsession with productivity.

One thing I very quickly noticed was the absence of my depression. A major cause of it is, to put it briefly, the way we live in this modern western society. I've always hated, with a passion, the hamster wheel way of life that we're taught to put up with, of having to work any job, even if it makes us miserable, just to be able to survive and live with dignity, usually filling other people's pockets and exhausting ourselves. And the world is largely biased towards extroverts - it's busy, noisy, crowded, fast-paced, very social, and introverts like me are expected to keep up. Not having to live like that - not spending my days in a job I'm unhappy in, not commuting, not having the pressure of needing to apply for jobs, being able to live a slow and quiet life - was an utter relief. With that weight lifted off my shoulders, I could just stop and exhale and rest and be. The world was going at my pace for a change.

The thought of going back to living that way filled me with dread, and, although it became clear that the WWOOFing wasn't going to happen, I still wanted to take the opportunity to do something different, and something related to nature and working on the land. So in June I did something I should have done years ago - applied to do a full-time college course covering ecology, conservation, and countryside management, starting in September. When the tenancy on the flat ended I moved back in with my mum and stepdad in Andover. 

I am ever so fortunate and grateful that they're willing and able to support me while I'm studying, I wouldn't be able to do it otherwise. But I'm further away from my friends, and the public transport links aren't great, so even when Covid restrictions are fully lifted, I'll still be restricted. This town is pretty rubbish, there's not much here for me. In December I gritted my teeth and finally started learning to drive, and got on well, but then lockdown #3 put a four-month pause on that after just a few lessons. I miss my old walking route. My younger sister has bought her own flat - about which I am absolutely super proud of and happy for her - but I'm back living with and dependent on my mum, and I'm sad that it'll be years yet before I can afford to buy (or frankly even rent) my own place, if ever. Also, the lack of social contact for a year means that, with restrictions easing, I'm feeling nervous about meeting up with people again. You can't build or maintain muscle strength without regular exercise, and my naturally-low social skills - making conversation, asking questions of others to get to know them, connecting with people, feeling confident that I'm enjoyable company - have had very little practice for an entire year.

Despite the inevitable downsides that come with change, I'm still in the best place I could be right now. I'm where I need to be, doing something that's right for me. In March last year I was desperate to change my way of life, and connect to nature more, and I'm definitely doing that. There are a few places I can go for walks here, even if they're not as nice or extensive as Weston Shore and Westwood, and a few people I know nearby who I can meet up with. My older sister and nephews live a short walk away. Although the town itself is rubbish, there's lovely countryside around, and farm shops, and other things I like. We have a lovely garden where I can watch the birds and the hedgehogs, gaze at the plants and smell the flowers, and will be attempting to grow some vegetables. 

Applying to college was without a doubt the best decision, the right move, and hopefully it will set me up for more of those, and eventually a career doing work that I love. It's not easy, I'm not interested in all of it, no good at using tools and machinery, and I get really stressed over the assignments, but overall I do enjoy it and it's so much better than the alternative. My classmates are lovely and friendly (and frankly I admire some of them), and although being a decade older than most of them, and autistic, means I'm not as social as I'd like to be, I'm not lonely as I was my first time around in college ten years ago. I have no idea what I want to do after the course finishes yet, but I'll find something.

I do wonder how much things will change, or whether most people will return to old habits. Many people have connected more with the natural world over the last year and I wonder whether that will remain and how much of a beneficial impact that will have. But we've also seen the astonishingly disgusting indifference of so many others, as evidenced by all the litter left on beaches and in the countryside when we have been allowed out. Working from home has been proven to work perfectly well in many cases, and people have really relished the extra quality time they have; will employers keep that going, allowing staff of all levels to work from home for at least part of every week, and more flexible working? Will people working for employers who could do that but won't, object and demand it? Local independent food shops have done well over the past year, with many people preferring to visit a small greengrocer, butchers, bakery, deli, or farm shop nearby rather than travel to a busy supermarket; will most of those customers stay loyal, and keep those businesses thriving? Has the reliance on arts, culture, and hospitality to keep our spirits up during the pandemic - online gigs, virtual tours, takeaway food - made people realise just how valuable the skills and talents are of those who work in those industries, and stop thinking that being an artist of whatever type is lesser than working in an office? Will all the people who had to go on benefits (or couldn't get them and struggled) or use food banks, and those who know them, fight for a better social safety net? Has it made people better appreciate the workers who have been always been key but often taken for granted and always low paid, will everyone show them more respect from now on and back their calls for the higher pay they deserve? Are people who clapped every Thursday last spring joining in the fight for an NHS payrise and against further funding cuts and privatisation? Has it made more people think about workers rights, paid sick leave, and universal broadband access? Has it made people realise the real need for everyone to have access to quality green spaces within walking distance of where they live, and work to make that a reality? Has the housing of the homeless over the pandemic made people think about the need to end homelessness and poverty and how to do that? Has the not being able to go shopping for months, delivery disruption for online orders, and skyrocketing shareholder profits for online retailers made people think about consumerism, the huge global supply chain, and Buying British a bit more? Will people now, when they're ill with a cold or something else infectious, work from home, or wear a mask to the shop? ...There's so much. So much that needs to change. My natural pessimism and passion for social justice has meant that all the events of the past 12+ months, which have highlighted many inequalities, injustices, and broken systems, have made me deeply afraid and angry beyond words. We have seen some of the best of humanity, and some of the worst. I feel guilty that I don't contribute more. I hope one day I'm in a place where I do.

(Well that was an awfully long paragraph, sorry!)

So. This year has been crazy, a global storm with everyone in different vessels. For many it has been unimaginably horrible and difficult. I have been one of the lucky ones, fortunate enough to spend it in security and comfort. As an introvert I have loved the silver lining that has been the slower, quieter, more peaceful pace of life, and am not the only one not entirely looking forward to the return to "normal". With the absence of my depression, and the changes in my life for the better, this has genuinely been the happiest year of my life. It could have very easily been different. And now it's spring again. Restrictions are easing, this part of the world is getting greener, the sun is warm, the birds are singing, and I'm enjoying buying myself a 99p bunch of bright daffodils from the supermarket every week for a few months.

As always, thank you very much for staying with me if you have made it this far and read the whole thing! Please do Like the post on Facebook, or comment or message, it means a lot knowing that people are interested/have read it and I love hearing your thoughts. What have your experiences of the last year been, really? Lastly - take care, stay safe, don't go out and do more than you're comfortable with as the world reopens, and reach out to friends and family or specialist organisations if your mental health is struggling.

Thoughts from March 2020

Hello! Happy Spring! It's been a long time, hasn't it? Another couple of months since my last post. Apologies. I'm currently working on one reflecting on the past year, and while I hope to have that done asap, I just scrolled down to look at the posts I made last year (so that I don't reuse photos) and found one written just before the first lockdown, which I hadn't published. I guess I considered it unfinished and/or uninteresting. Overthinking as usual. But now it seems fine to me, it'll do; I haven't changed a word. It's interesting to see what I was thinking about then and where I am now. I guess it's basically a journal entry, a letter to nobody in particular. So here you go, some of my thoughts from early March 2020...

--

It's a mild and dry Saturday afternoon and the country has not yet gone into lockdown over Coronavirus, but I'm sat indoors in my pyjamas... probably not the best thing, perhaps I should be making the most of the freedom of movement and go to the cinema or the shops or something, but it's what I feel like doing right now. It's been a tiring week.

My depression has returned over the last few months, making me realise I need to change my way of life and not just get another job, otherwise it's just going to go in circles. I read a book last year - The Lost Connections, by Johann Hari - that explained how depression is largely caused by disconnection from a number of important things including meaningful work, other people, the natural world, meaningful values, and a hopeful and secure future. It really made sense to me and rang true for my life, and I need to do more to better my connections with those things.

I was made redundant from my job a couple of weeks ago. It's a small company which hasn't been doing well recently and needed to cut costs, and I wasn't surprised - in the year I was there, it was always very quiet and I had very little work to do, particularly in the last few months. So I actually saw it as a positive, and decided to take the opportunity to do something interesting and live my life a bit. Instead of looking for another full-time permanent office job, I'm going to do temp work until August when the tenancy on the flat ends, then leave Southampton and go help out on farms for a while :) I'm desperate to connect to nature more; to wake up and hear birdsong, to look out the window and see trees and grass and flowers and other plants, to learn how to grow herbs and vegetables and fruit and preserve produce for storage, to learn about horticulture and ecology and permaculture and regenerative agriculture and more - and to meet other people who are into all that too, like-minded souls.

I've just completed my first week of temp work, at a florist relay company which takes orders from around the world and finds a UK florist to make and deliver it locally, like Interflora but not. Mother's Day is one of their busiest times of year so they needed a few people to come in just for two weeks to help out with the extra workload. Unfortunately, my autistic self has not been able to get my head around the processes at all, and I've emailed the temp agency to let them know I don't feel able to go back next week because of that. Part of me feels bad, especially because for some reason I was the only one of the three temps to stay beyond the first two days, but if I can't do something I can't do it, I would be of zero use to them, and I don't want to stress myself out any longer unnecessarily. It would have paid enough to cover a month's rent so it's a shame I'll only be getting half of that, but my old job will be paying me this month as a sort of redundancy compensation, so thankfully April's rent and bills will be covered.

Although leaving home at 6:55 each morning in order to start work at 8:30 wasn't lovely, getting to explore Romsey a bit was nice. I've never been there before, despite it being so close to where I've spent most of my life. It's a lovely little town! My lunchtime walks were spent moseying down quiet residential streets lined with pretty houses, trees, and gardens full of flowers and birdsong, and sitting in the Abbey grounds (although it was cold!). The Abbey itself is beautiful, and was a wonderful much-needed oasis of calm and peace. I'm not religious but love churches. There's something strangely comforting, familiar, and grounding about walking around supermarkets, too. Especially if it's first thing in the morning and it's only just opened and the other customers are mostly pensioners.

I'd like to read more. As much I love books, I don't actually do much reading anymore, I used to read every day and haven't done that in a long time. My sister was recently shocked when I said I've never read a Roald Dahl book. There's a lot I haven't read, and I'd like to change that. I saw a nice post on Facebook this morning which made me smile, listing places you can go even if you're on lockdown: Narnia, Middle-earth, Hogwarts, Asgard, a galaxy far far away, Earthsea, Lansquenet-sous-Tannes... :D The choices are endless, and that's just fiction. While this coronavirus pandemic is not a good thing, maybe it'll be an opportunity do more reading.

One of spring's simple pleasures - lovely daffodils

Garden diary, one November weekend

Thursday 19th - I go out into the garden first thing to feed the birds, even before I've fed myself for some reason. It's sunny but cold. Wonderfully, a robin comes and lands on the bird feeder hook right next to me as I'm putting feed on the bird table. I freeze and smile and say hello, and it stares at me for a few moments before flying up onto the fence behind it, still only a foot or so away. It flies down to the bird table a few times while I'm still there, hovering for a moment before landing, to snatch one of the little pink fat pellets I've noticed it prefers. So cute!

I hear the contact calls of long-tailed tits and turn towards the trees, and happily manage to catch a glimpse of them flitting along. Long-tailed tits are one of my favourite birds, simply because they are ever so cute. They're absolutely tiny, fluffy and round like those little craft pom-poms, with a pinkish colour, and a long tail which makes them look like flying spoons. They're very social birds and hang around in groups, huddling together for warmth at night, and their nests are amazing, made of moss and spiderwebs so that it expands as the chicks grow. I see them flying around sometimes - they tend to flit along from one tree to another quite quickly - but sadly for some reason they don't come into the garden to feed.

Once back inside I get my breakfast and sit at the dining room table, next to the door to the garden so I can look out. It always takes the birds a little while to come once the food's out, but Ms House Mouse is out from under the deck straightaway. For some reason she always jumps up onto the feed bowl rather than running up one of the short legs of the stand it sits on.

House mouse taking some bird food

The squirrels monopolise most of it, of course, sitting on the bird table and just staying there, eating their fill even before the poor birds get a look in. As I type there are currently four of them on the various feeders. The poor collared doves sit on the fence next to the bird table, wanting their breakfast but not brave enough to go for it with the squirrel there. It takes them maybe five minutes to cotton onto the fact that they could just fly across the garden to the dish by the deck. Alas they're only there for a moment before a pigeon arrives, puffing himself up and jostling them off the dish. A few times the doves have stood up to his kind, raising themselves up and spreading their wings in an aggressive posture, which is great to see. I find myself scolding the squirrels and pigeons through the window for being such pigs, as if they could understand me, hahaha.

(By the way, although I'm using "he" and "she" for these creatures, I have no idea of their sex, except the sparrows.)

Last to arrive are the starlings and sparrows. Starlings just make me think of lanky, squabbling teenagers, haha. They look funny running across the lawn on their lanky legs (even lankier when they were juveniles/fledglings back in the summer), and are noisy and boisterous, shouting at each other to go away. Sparrows are noisy too but in a nicer, less intrusive way, it's a sweeter sound. They hang around in groups so there are always lots of them, and when they're in the trees it's just such a lovely sound, so much birdsong!

But we have a little mystery - one of the bird feeders, which hangs on the hook by the bird table, is missing. It's not in the little hebe shrub underneath, as it usually is if it's not on the hook, so goodness knows what happened to it.

A magpie turns up later in the morning for a short time. The starlings eat all the mealworms within just two hours. I spot a great tit on one of the feeders by the back fence, and a blue tit later on, and a dunnock hopping around on the ground under the shrubs. We occasionally get a jackdaw or two visiting. 

This is a typical day.

Saturday 21st - Long tailed tits!!! A few of them flit down to the feeders for a few moments, never staying still, but alas they're all off again, out of the garden within 30 seconds. Maybe they come down to feed more often than we think, but it happens to be when we're not looking. 

We're out of bird seed so I put some peanuts in the dish by the deck. There's some in one of the hanging feeders but for some reason nobody is interested, only the squirrels and the nocturnal wood mice eat them. I watch at the window for a little while but not even the house mouse comes out for the easy calorie-rich meal which is literally right on her doorstep.

The missing bird feeder has been found. Under the hebe. We obviously just hadn't looked hard enough haha. 

A dove seems to be taking sanctuary in the garden. It flew in looking much bedraggled, with most of its tail feathers missing, and just sat itself down inside one of the pots on the deck, sheltered a little by the other potted plants. It's been there for about 45 minutes now. I've not seen such behaviour before, all the birds are constantly on the move. It must have been attacked, poor thing. 

I feel bad now, I scared it away, going out to put a handful of oats down. It flew off, to the shed roof where it's sitting now. A red kite just flew over, low and slowly, but the dove is hidden from above by the hazel tree overhanging the shed. 

An hour later...

There's a flippin' sparrowhawk in the garden!!!! :D :D :D I've only ever glimpsed one before; soooo excited! It came for the dove. The dove had flown back down to the deck pots and sat there for a little while again, eventually working up the courage and/or energy to hop onto the bird food dish, but it was only there for half a minute before it started to fly up again and another bird slammed into it. I thought it was another dove or a pigeon, but when neither bird flew up again I went outside to have a look, and saw these yellow eyes staring back at me! My mouth dropped open as far as it could go, haha. Wow!!!!!!! 

It stayed in the garden for a while, plucking its meal. It was constantly looking up and around, and moving around the border from shrub to shrub, wanting to hide, not wanting anything else to take its prize. What a privilege to be able to see it so close and for so long, and to get some photos too!

Sparrowhawk in the garden

Sunday 22nd - So the sparrowhawk (which was a female, I looked it up online) did not have a meal in our garden yesterday... for some reason she plucked the feathers from its chest but didn't actually eat any of the meat, or at least hardly any of it. Bizarre. I wonder if she was scared off by next door's dog; she ended up dragging the dove around the garden to a sheltered spot between the fence and the hebe, where she and her catch were well hidden, but that fence gets a dog or two running close to it numerous times a day. Will never know. The dove was dragged back out onto the patio by something overnight, so I've thrown it over the back fence into the woods.

Monday 23rd - The bird seed order hasn't arrived yet, so I chopped up some peanuts, instead of leaving them whole, to put out. Much more appealing to our garden friends! Yay I get to watch the house mouse, so cute :) The birds seem more active in the early afternoon than in the morning.

The hedgehog food is still being eaten each night. I only put a little bit out now. The hedgehogs are probably hibernating, but they can wake up once a week or so to go find a bit of food or move nest, so I don't want to stop putting food and water out over the winter. I've seen next door's cat eating the food a few times, so even if the hedgehog isn't eating it all at least it's not going to waste. I just hope the cat doesn't put on too much weight, haha.

Just opened a letter from the Woodland Trust, and it has a photo of a long-tailed tit on it, hehe. Big silly smile. Gorgeous little floofs. I'll cut it out and stick it in my "pretty things" scrapbook. 

Edit Tuesday 24th - Err so apparently the house mouse is a brown rat, haha. Even if it was a house mouse, I realise we should take steps to discourage them. It's still cute, but don't want them to become a problem so might have to stop feeding the birds and hedgehog for a while... 

I love ecology!

I don't know why I feel a need to apologise every time I don't post in a long while, haha...

I am absolutely loving my college course so far! Particularly all the ecology stuff and species ID. It'd be difficult to find something more up my street unless I did an entire course solely on ecology. Last week I got 100% in the first ID test we had, of 25 trees and shrubs - yay! We're doing one category each half term, so we've now started to learn 35 woodland bird species for a test before Christmas. Thankfully we don't have to learn the scientific names for these, as we did with the trees, so it's easier. But this week the tutor did a see-how-much-you-already-know-before-we-start-learning-them test, and there were only two birds I didn't know, which I was quite chuffed about. It's a shame the species ID is a separate certificate, and doesn't count towards the actual course! But I'm so keen, it's exciting to have something I'm good at and to be learning about things that I love!

We do Estate Skills practical days once every two weeks; I missed the first two due to joining the course late and then being unwell, but so far I've built a bat box, and helped to remove and start to replace a stock-proof fence, and next time we're going to be working on a hedge. The practicals are challenging, obviously because I haven't done anything like it before, but it's quite fun doing something different. I hate wearing the understandably-necessary steel toe capped boots, though, they're too big and clunky and uncomfortable. We're also doing a unit on machinery... so at some point rather soon I'll be having a go at using things like chainsaws and driving tractors!

I am struggling in some areas, though, probably in most. I'm fine with facts and figures, but then actually applying information to things like evaluating a practical task, or creating management objectives for a woodland, or creating a presentation as if you're trying to persuade an MP to encourage more people to get out into the countryside (especially when you know that actually more people usually just creates more issues), I'm finding pretty challenging. I got ever so stressed out a few times in the first month, spending an entire day attempting just one bit of homework at least twice. I know it's early days and I need to somehow learn to not be hard on myself, and to ask for help, and to be okay with submitting homework that I may not be completely happy with. We only have between 10 and 13 hours of face-to-face lessons a week, and I'm not someone who easily learns self-guided. I don't know how to learn, how to study. I go to my classes and do my homework, but don't look at my notes outside of class, read them, rewrite them, arrange them into easier-to-remember blocks of info or whatever, don't do any further research. Are we meant to, is that what people do? That's a rhetorical question; I'm assuming the answer is yes. But nobody tells you these things. I've only just found out what a flash card is. And I'm absolutely no good at 'self-starting' or whatever it's called, making myself do things, setting up a schedule for myself and sticking to it. The course is assessed in a number of ways, all of which I'm nervous about, especially exams, but at least it's not only exams. But the tutors are great and have said they'll go over everything again beforehand, and the college has a study support team I can go to whenever I need help, so hopefully I'll manage.

Anyway, I thought I'd write up some of what I've learned so far! Over different posts, not all in one go, don't worry.

Biomes

A biome is a major biogeographical region, defined by the climate and in turn the predominant vegetation. They're affected by latitude and altitude (how far away they are from the equator, and their height above sea level), and tend to have similar landscapes and wildlife. However, what the different biomes are, how many there are, what the characteristics are, etc., depends entirely on where you look or who you ask. Every map depicting the world's biomes is different and statistics vary. Some maps show five, others a dozen or more. To put it simply, the five major biomes are aquatic, tundra, forest, grassland, and desert (according to National Geographic). But these are all are broad classifications which just give a general biogeographical overview of a large area, and are usually sub-divided further to various extents. 

• Aquatic - can be marine or freshwater, have high biodiversity, marine is world's largest biome. 
• Grassland - open, warm, dry, can be tropical (savannah) or temperate (prairies and steppes). 
• Forest - dominated by trees, high biodiversity, can be tropical (warm and humid, close to equator), temperate (seasonal, mild, often wet), or boreal (cold and dry, close to polar regions). 
• Desert - dry, little vegetation, specialised wildlife, can be hot or cold. 
• Tundra - cold and dry, inhospitable, simple vegetation, specialised wildlife, can be arctic or alpine (in mountains at high altitudes).

The map below shows 10 biomes, and with the different colours you can see how they roughly correspond to latitude.

Map of biomes across the world

The biome covering the UK and most of Europe is "temperate forest" or "temperate deciduous woodland". A place doesn't have to be covered in trees to be part of a "forest" biome; it just means that the dominant plants are trees, and if left alone to their own devices the landscapes would eventually return to woodland. But - fun fact - we do have some tundra and boreal forest here too! They usually cover places like the Arctic and Siberia, so I think that's really cool! In the UK those biomes are only found in one place - the Cairngorms, in Scotland.

The Cairngorms are the eroded stumps of a mountain range far older than the Himalayas. Even at around 50 million years old, ranges like the Himalayas and the Rockies are in geological terms relatively young, and still quite 'pointy'. The Cairngorms are around 400 million years old, and have gradually been eroded to form a plateau - a large, relatively flat area that is raised sharply above the land surrounding it. I've just read on Wikipedia that "evidence suggests that the granite now at the surface was once found to be at a depth of between 4 and 7km." Wow! The high Cairngorm Plateau is where the tundra is, cold, dry, and treeless, and it's surrounded by boreal forest - what remains of the ancient Caledonian Pinewood - at slightly lower altitudes.

How cool is all that? :D Haha. I always loved physical geography.

Lastly - although "woodland" and "forest" are now used interchangeably, the original meaning of 'forest' was just 'an area given over for hunting'. So places like the New Forest, which was set aside by William the Conquerer as one of his numerous private hunting grounds, often aren't an unbroken expanse of trees - in fact trees tend to be a hinderance to giving chase on horseback. A woodland is an area of trees, no matter where it is or how large it is. Funny how language changes.

That'll do for now, methinks! I might write about the history of the countryside next time, that was fascinating.

Plan B is a-go!

Thank you to everyone who read and commented (on Facebook) on my previous post, about not knowing what to do next with my life after Plan A and Plan B not working out. Well, I have an update: Plan B is now going ahead, I have a place on the college course! Yaaaaaaaay!

I had just finished writing, but hadn't yet sent, a complaint email to the college yesterday morning when I got a phone call from them. The lady said she didn't know why nobody had dealt with my application but that it still wasn't too late to get a place and start, so she would resend it to the course team and chase them for a decision hopefully by the end of the day. She phoned me back just a little while ago to say that they're happy to give me a place on the course, and she's going to send me over the enrolment and finance forms, timetable, and other information I need.

I'm so relieved. And excited and nervous! The thought of returning to full-time education is a bit weird, and I'm nervous about it because my experience of college the first time around wasn't very good. But, that was more than 10 years ago now and I've grown a lot since then, I'm not the same person. I know myself better and am more confident. I have my autism diagnosis and can make sure I get help with things I need help with. The course is all assessment-based, rather than 100% exam-based as my A-Levels were, which suits me much better. And although of course I want to make friends, that doesn't hold quite so much importance for me, it doesn't feel as urgent as it did 12 years ago, I'll be more comfortable and less self-conscious being by myself. But at the same time I think I'll be okay, I know that I will make friends. (Even if most of my peers are 10 or more years my junior!) I have a good feeling this college experience will be much more positive than the first.

Yay!

I don't know yet when I start, I imagine they'll give me a date once I've sent the enrolment forms back, but I'll ask when they email them over. I expect it'll be next week.

I'm buzzing with excited-nervous energy now, need to put my iPod on and dance around or something to dissipate it, haha. ...Hmm, I'll do that while making some cake!

Here's to spending much of the next two years outdoors in all weathers, haha.

Here's to a brand new challenge and chapter in my life! :D

To finish, here's a cute picture of a cute cat I made friends with on a walk a couple of weeks ago - walking off down a boardwalk in a nature reserve, enjoying the outdoors, living in the present, and just being nothing but itself :) 

Oh what to do now

I had hoped to be finishing my first week of a two-year full-time course in Land & Wildlife Management at Sparsholt College today, but seeing as I never heard a single word back from them about my application, despite many attempts at chasing over the weeks preceding the start of term, that is sadly not the case. Boo.

I don't know why. I was told by the Admissions team at the end of July, a month after I applied, that my application had been sent to the relevant curriculum team and I just had to wait to hear from them. Nada. My numerous attempts at phoning a few different numbers all kept ringing out, and all my emails to two different email addresses went completely unacknowledged. On Wednesday last week, as a last resort, I even commented on one of the college's Facebook posts and the Marketing Team responded saying they'd forward my details to Admissions and ask them to get back to me, but that still resulted in nothing. I can understand my application accidentally being forgotten about in the stress and confusion of fewer staff working during coronavirus and in the summer break and then GCSE results... but all of my emails getting missed or forgotten about too? It's completely ridiculous and inexplicable, I don't know what on earth has happened.

Of course, I'm annoyed and disappointed. The course was Land & Wildlife Management, covering things like conservation, ecology, surveying, habitat management, and lots more. Even if I don't know that I want a career in that field, I'd thoroughly enjoy finding out - spending two years learning about things that I love and am passionate about, learning new and valuable skills, spending a lot of time outdoors in countryside settings, etc. It'd definitely be out of my comfort zone, both in terms of studying and socially, but in a good way, a positive challenge that would help me grow in new ways. The thought of it was weird and daunting but exciting!

But, nope. So it's back to square one. I can apply again next year if I still want to, but what to do now? I don't know. I've been feeling down more often than not this last week and, honestly, I have cried and screamed today. I really, desperately wanted to do something different and have a break from the conventional life for a year or two because it has been a direct and significant cause of my depression and anxiety. I absolutely dread having to go back to it.

A big part of me feels that the conventional life is not for me and that I belong in the countryside, spending a lot of my time outside and working on the land, growing vegetables and things, living a slow and quiet life, being busy and productive in a way that means something to me and I find value in. I would love to go and live on a farm or a commune or an ecovillage or some sort of sustainability-minded intentional community, but to do something like that still requires you to have full-time work to be able to pay rent and own and maintain a car. Plan A after getting made redundant was to spend a few months doing volunteering on small organic farms found through websites like WWOOF and HelpX - volunteering in exchange for accomodation and food. When it became clear that Covid was putting a damper on that, Plan B was the college course. I could still do both of those things, and take steps to find out whether moving to a commune or whatever is something I really want to do, but right now I can't.

I don't belong here in Andover. I have a comfortable home here with my mum and stepdad, and my older sister and nephews live a five-minute walk away, but the town sucks, the job market is poor even in normal circumstances, it's difficult to get anywhere without a car, and I know nobody else here, my friends are all elsewhere. It's definitely not the best place for me. It's probably not the best time to go trying somewhere new, looking around the country for what towns and cities might be a more "me" place, so it'll have to be Southampton or Winchester (unless anyone thinks otherwise?). Southampton is familiar and convenient, but again I don't really feel I belong there, it's not really my kind of place, but maybe it would be best for now. I love Winchester and there are two councils based there so might be a bit better for jobs (rather than more private sector jobs in Soton), and I think there are more green spaces I can go for walks, but it's an expensive city and it's harder to find housing. So goodness knows. I'm awful at making decisions. 

I'm also scared that I wouldn't find work. We're in a massive recession and heading into a jobs crisis, and I'm far from the pick of the crop. My only experience is in retail and entry-level admin jobs, and I suck at face-to-face and on-the-phone interaction and general customer service stuff. In the last few months I've given a bit of thought to what my strengths are and so what it would be good to develop my skills in, but taking courses to upskill or retrain costs money. (The college course would have been covered by a student loan, but you can't get those for general professional development courses, as far as I'm aware.) But I'm currently on Universal Credit and they're starting to reintroduce commitments and sanctions, so if I don't hurry up and find a job that's at least partly my choice and I feel I can put up with, the decision will be made for me and I'll have to apply for everything and take the first thing I'm offered.

(Can we hurry up and have a revolution please? Get rid of the billionaires and corrupt powerful people etc and create a far more just and pleasant world to live in? Please. PLEASE. No? Shame. Then I need therapy, and lots of it.)

I know these last six months have been tough for everyone in different ways, and I am grateful that I and my family have been very lucky and come through it largely unaffected. And I know I overthink, and am by nature a pessimist, and maybe I should be going out for a walk or at least sitting in the garden with a book rather than writing this. But bottling things up and worrying and getting stressed and trying to figure things out on my own is, I know from experience, the exact opposite of beneficial. I find it really difficult to verbalise and have conversations about things that are bothering me, and writing is the way I do that, writing is how I process and communicate, how I let other people know what's going on with me. So, if you've got this far, thank you for reading, and I would actually be really grateful for any advice, suggestions, ideas, encouragement, Stoic philosophy wisdom, etc., or even just a "Yep, me too!" or similar, if any of you lovely readers have any. 

Comfort food and curling up to watch a nice film for me tonight. I hope everyone is well and has a nice weekend :)

-

Update 15th Sep: The college finally contacted me and I've been accepted onto the course! See following post.

Being diagnosed with autism

Note: This is a veeeery long post! Like, reading time at least 25 minutes, haha. Just so you're aware before you start :)

As some of you know, back in late August, at the end of a two-and-a-half hour long conversation which involved answering literally a hundred in-depth personal questions about me and my life, I was diagnosed with autism. I wanted to write a blog post about what that means for me, what goes on in my head, to help people understand. Obviously I've had it my whole life, but my family and I only started to think of it as a possibility a couple of years ago, and I was put on the waiting list for assessment back in January this year.

Why has it taken 27 years for this to be diagnosed? Because I'm not stereotypical; I don't exhibit the more severe and recognisable traits and behaviours that most people think of when they hear the word 'autism'. Many autistic people don't, particularly girls and women, but until recently many of the assessment tools used were based around these things, and people who didn't exhibit these behaviours were considered to not have autism. And because girls and women have literally evolved to be more social and adaptive than boys and men have, anyway, we develop coping strategies and mask our feelings and learn to do what we think is expected, so it's even more difficult to spot. The knowledge and understanding hasn't been very widespread. My mum and sister both have many years experience working with people on the autistic spectrum so were able to eventually recognise the signs in me, but it still wasn't until my mid-twenties, and many people aren't as fortunate, and go through their whole lives struggling, not understanding, often developing anxiety and depression (as I did), or being misdiagnosed and put on treatment for other things.

The assessment day was tiring - an in-depth, very personal and thorough questioning lasting nearly two and a half hours. ("Questioning" sounds like an interrogation, haha; it wasn't, the lady doing the assessment was lovely and it just felt like a very long chat.) But at the end she said she didn't even need to think about it or confer with her colleagues - I am a textbook case. She got a bit teary, and explained that she often does because she knows how much it means - to finally understand, to know that there's nothing 'wrong' with you, to know the reasons for things. My mum and sister came with me and they both started crying too. I was really relieved and pleased. While of course it doesn't change anything, it explains a lot.

I received the final report last week, and it gave my scores for each of the three assessments used to help determine a diagnosis. In one, where a score of 6 or above out of 10 may indicate autism, I scored 9. In another, where a score of 65 or more out of 240 is an indicator, I scored 139. In the third, the Cambridge Behaviour Scale Empathy Quotient, where the average score out of 80 for the general population is 47 for women and 42 for men, I scored just 15 (hahaha!). So it's pretty clear!

So what does it explain, why does it make sense? Autism is different for everyone, so here's what it means for me.

"Autism is essentially a condition which affects social interaction, as a consequence causing significant anxieties in people with a diagnosis, due to the social requirements of current society."

I have always struggled socially - making conversation, getting to know people, making friends, etc; I've always been on the periphery, on the outside looking in. At toddler groups and preschool, I didn't play with the other kids, I would just stay by myself to the side of the room and either watch the others playing, without joining in, or play by myself with whatever toy was closest. Apparently when I used to play with my sister, I'd just walk off if I wasn't interested in what she came up with. I was happy doing puzzles or reading books and would stay very focused on those. All through school I only ever had a few friends, mostly misfits somewhat, and my secondary school friends and I didn't really hang out together outside of school; instead I spent most of my time watching an awful amount of television at home, mostly a few certain shows I would watch avidly. I was rarely invited to birthday parties and when I was I didn't get excited about it (I only remember one where I did). I was bullied for my first few years of secondary school. College was a horrible time, I was incredibly lonely and anxious, having only one or two friends, and spending most of my time on my own and away from the campus if I could, deliberately avoiding the busy areas. I've never really been interested in doing things other people my age do, and I've always found it easier to get along with people much older than me than with my peers. I come from a close family but have only started to join in with family activities and gatherings in the last couple of years. I never mingle. Everyone (including myself) has always just put my social difficulties down to shyness and reserve, and my parents tried so hard, so many different things, to encourage me to mix with others and to help, but nothing worked.

I'm actually not shy, it's not a matter of just not having the confidence to talk, it's not knowing how. I say nothing because I literally have nothing to say. My mind is blank most of the time. When people have suggested things like "just ask questions!", they might as well be asking me to speak Russian, it's just not something I can do. 99% of the time I just don't get questions or opinions or comments come into my head. My thoughts are vague senses rather than words, and all jumbled up like a Jackson Pollack painting. Nothing is intuitive. It's always baffled me how everyone else can so easily have conversations, flowing from one person and one topic to another, someone jumping in with a comment here and there; I wonder how they do it and have always wished I could do it too. Even on the rare occasion I do feel I have something to say, my brain can't process it quickly enough - turn it from a vague sense to words to a sentence to speech - before the subject has moved on. I can often get by one-on-one if the other person is more talkative than me, but in group settings I just watch and listen, I can't join in. If I'm asked a question then I'll answer, but it's only recently that I've started to learn to elaborate and give more information, rather than simply answering the question with a one-word response. I don't know how to "think" in terms of consciously consider something in a process in order to reach a result. All I can do is wait for things to pop into my head. I can talk about myself easily enough but I don't know how to get other people to talk about themselves or other subjects. Even if I want to know more about something or someone, I can't identify what specific things I want to know, I can't think of questions. I don't like small talk but don't know how to move beyond it and connect with people. All this has meant I've often been too afraid to ask if someone I'm interested in being friends with would like to meet up.

I am extremely reserved. Even my mum, who knows me best, has a hard time telling what I'm feeling. I've been told by people in the past that I'm too reserved and too quiet. To them, these attributes are something that is a conscious choice, the presence of a desire to hold back what I'm thinking or feeling, which, with time and practice, could be pushed through and un-learned. Whereas actually, for me, it's simply the absence of an impulse to express or do something. In terms of feelings, it's also that I usually can't identify what I'm feeling let alone know how to express it or what I need, so I keep a lot bottled up. As well as not expressing emotions, it means I'm often very still and silent, which can make people uncomfortable. My sister loves to put music on all the time, and sing and move along to it when she can. When we're in her car she's singing away... and I sit there as still as a statue. I feel no impulse whatsoever to join in or even dance in my seat a little, even if I like the song. I wish I could. If I'm on my own or at a gig I sometimes do dance or at least move my body a bit, or tap my fingers or my foot, and sing along under my voice. But I don't listen to music of my own accord very often anyway, I'm very comfortable with silence. At concerts or rugby matches I don't feel like standing up with everyone else, or whistling or shouting or whatever. When I find something funny I generally just smile or have a quiet little chuckle, it's not often that I laugh out loud, that takes a lot. My reserve and lack of facial expression often means people think I'm bored or in a mood - when I worked in retail, customers often used to tell me to "cheer up" or "smile", which really annoyed me.

I struggle with abstract language and connotation and can't read between the lines. I need things to be clear and direct and simple. I can't think for myself, I'm not very imaginative, and can't "think outside the box". In school and college I always struggled with the sort of open-ended questions you'd get in an English exam, where you needed to either interpret something, give your own opinion, explain or describe. I hated them. What was the author thinking when they wrote this? Interpret what could have been meant by this. Describe the importance of this. How the hell should I know?! I also struggle with things like when you're given a question which is in reality three questions and you have to answer them all at once (like in job interviews, too) - I need them broken up and to answer them one at a time. I did well in my GCSEs because most of my subjects included coursework, which I could take my time over, use notes to help me form something, get feedback from an initial draft and improve upon. Multiple-choice tests are fine. But in college all but one of my subjects were completely based on written exams, and I failed most of them.

In terms of communication, I prefer written over spoken, so emails and texts over phone calls, and if I have to make a phone call I generally plan and practice what I'm going to say beforehand. However, a lot of meaning is lost without hearing someone's voice or seeing their body language, so conversations over text can be difficult and frustrating, and I've often been uncertain as to what somebody means. I often take things literally, and miss what someone is trying to say. I only understand commonly-used figurative phrases if I've heard them before, I can't work out new ones by myself, and I never use them. I never make jokes, and am often slow to understand ones other people have made.

I like structure and routine and a process to follow, etc., and change can really bother me. I like to plan things in advance, and to know or at least have an idea of what's going to happen. I don't do spontaneity and last-minute things, I like at least a few days notice. I have very good attention to detail, and enjoy tasks that let me use that strength. The flip-side to that is that I can sometimes focus too much on details and not be able to see or understand the bigger picture.

I don't really know when something might be considered rude, or polite, or too honest, or weird or odd. I can be very blunt and rude without realising that's how I come across, and I feel surprised, upset and frustrated when people get upset or annoyed about it. In my mind I'm just being open and honest, and since becoming aware of this have actually tried very hard for things to not come across as blunt and rude. I never know when it's better to just not say something. To me, honesty is the best policy, even if it's tough; if everyone was honest then a lot of misunderstandings and conflicts and upsets could be avoided. If it was the norm then people would just shrug things off and move on. But also, I often find it very difficult to put things into words and to know how to say something, so get a bit stressed out because I want to say something but don't know how.

Sympathy, empathy, and compassion are things that don't come naturally to me at all, it's very very difficult. I can't put myself in other people's shoes, can't tell what someone might be thinking or feeling unless it's outwardly very obvious or I'm told. (But I also just don't look at people closely enough to try and discern something.) For me to be able to understand, I have to see or hear or read very in-depth, detailed, personal accounts, or think really hard about it. So I'm not someone who gets emotional easily, for example when watching films. Things that other people have very strong reactions to, don't usually bother me.

...Let me give you an example, to really let you into my head. September 11th 2001. I've never forgotten finding out about those NYC terrorist attacks, but not for the same reason most of you haven't forgotten. I remember it because I felt nothing. I didn't care. I literally shrugged and said "Oh" as if it was a weather report. I was still only nine years old then, but the same has been the case since, whether they were global headline events caused by humans or by nature, or more personal-level news. I know in my head that whatever has happened is awful, but I don't feel anything. I know how I should feel, though, so for the last couple of decades I've just felt like a horrible person and have been wondering what on earth is wrong with me. I've avoided conversations about those things because I don't know how to pretend and don't want to admit that I don't care because people wouldn't understand. I didn't understand. I don't tend to have an emotional reaction to things unless they're happening to me. I'm beginning to see that very occasionally I feel things with people I'm very close to, but that's really quite new. But it's another matter entirely when it comes to animals and the environment/nature, I do get very upset and angry about harm to those.

Also (and this is something else I've felt horrible about for ages), while I'm glad to meet up with and spend time with my family and friends, I'm not usually bothered by somebody's absence or by spending a lot of time apart. I don't really know what it feels like to miss someone, which sucks.

I overthink about everything, and ruminate. I find it almost impossible to make decisions, which frustrates me probably more than it does other people (and I know it frustrates other people a lot). I agonise over the smallest things. Making a meal plan stresses me out because of that, as does shopping. I often spend ages trying to decide whether to buy something or not, and more often than not don't buy it. If I don't buy it then I tend to wish I had, and if I do buy it then it's not very long before I regret it. If I need to make a decision on the spot then I get flustered. Some people have tried to help me get better at making decisions by basically insisting on me doing so, saying things like "You're going to make all the decisions today, everything we do is completely up to you!" and that's frustrated the hell out of me. I understand their good intentions, it may indeed get easier with practice, but it just adds to the pressure I already feel. I'm willing to take my fair share of responsibility for decision-making, as long as other people accept that it will take me longer than it might take them. This overthinking and my difficulty with long questions and identifying things means job applications are often extremely stressful - just one can take many, many hours, if not days, and I stay up late into the night trying to get it done, making myself tired which doesn't help, and I usually turning to someone else for help in the end (and they help me get it done in like half an hour).

I've never really been comfortable with physical contact, I've never initiated any. It's not necessarily uncomfortable, it just doesn't come naturally. I'm used to simple greeting hugs and kisses with close friends and family, they're fine, but generally I prefer standing back and giving a wave or smile and verbal greeting. Even when I've been really upset and crying, I don't go to other people for comfort and ask for a hug, although I'll sometimes accept one. If someone else is upset I don't feel like giving them a hug or anything. Showing physical affection in relationships is something I've had to start to teach myself to do, I have to think about it. While I've dated a few people, it's never worked out, I've never had a boyfriend.

When it comes to what I eat, thankfully I've grown out of most of my fussiness. When I was very young I mostly just ate apple and yoghurt; for many years I refused to eat onions, mushrooms, kidney beans, butter or spread, gravy, cream, custard, mayonnaise, and probably other things I can't remember; and it wasn't until I was 21 that I drank anything other than Ribena. Now, I love food and eat a wide variety. But I do want to have a healthy and nutritionally balanced diet - hence why trying to do a meal plan can stress me out, because it bothers me if there's more than one meat dish per week and not enough fish or veg, for example. I also do things like, if I've had a portion of a certain fruit or vegetable, I won't have another portion of it later that same day - for example, a second glass of orange juice, or some cucumber in a salad with dinner if I had cucumber with salad at lunchtime.

If I'm talking about something and am interrupted and the conversation goes off on a tangent, I feel like my turn has ended and I close off, I won't carry on with what I was saying unless I am invited to do so. E.g. If I'm telling someone what I did at the weekend and they interject with a comment or question and the conversation goes off on a tangent for a few minutes or more, I won't then pick up where I left off and tell them about the rest of my weekend unless they prompt me, even if it's something I enjoyed or was interested in and would like to talk about. If I am talking, I can't tell if someone gets bored or loses interest. When something is really bothering me and I need to communicate that, I have to keep going till I'm finished and have said everything I have to say. Usually this is online via text-based messaging, so other people can feel a bit bombarded with really long, sometimes emotional messages. But I don't know how to not do that, I'm not able to judge what other people might find "too much".

I can't do more than one thing at a time, like have a conversation and cook dinner; I have to pause one activity to be able to do the other, or I get flustered and confused and they both take longer. I also find it very hard to concentrate on things if there's noise or activity in the background, such as the radio or music or a conversation, I can't tune things out.

I have a shockingly bad memory. I usually forget things within seconds of being told / hearing / reading them. I tend to make notes on my phone or a post-it to try and remember something, but that doesn't help. I'll remember most things at some point, but again it won't stay in my head and I'll forget then remember then forget then remember. Having been out of education for nine years now, I no longer have the ability to memorise, store, and recall at will (in fact, I don't think I really learned that skill well in the first place). I'm sure it's something I could improve a little if I exercised my memory muscle, did things frequently and regularly to practise using it (if anyone has any ideas I'm all ears) but it's a skill that I'd need to learn and practice to maintain, it's not natural. I never reminisce, I can't recall stories from my life at will.

When it comes to things like films and books and TV shows, or even real-life events, I can never really talk about them. If someone asks me what I thought of such-and-such a show last night, the only answer I can give is something like "Yeah, it was good." I enjoy things or find them interesting, or I don't. I never have any ideas about what might happen, or opinions about what has, etc. There are many films and books and TV shows that I love, but I can't have a conversation about them. Similarly, I can't describe people - if I'm asked what so-and-so is like, I can only shrug and say something like "Umm... they're nice...???"

I do what some people refer to as over-explaining (you might have noticed, haha) - giving details and background and information etc. which may not be deemed necessary by the other person or people - but to me it's just explaining. It's just what I naturally do, but if you want to apply a logical reason to it then it's because it helps prevent misunderstandings and miscommunications, because the other person or people then has all the information and context.

I find it difficult to do things that are aimless - both in terms of doing a task without knowing or understanding the reason for it, and in terms of just wandering around aimlessly. Part of me really likes the idea of being in the RAF, but I'd probably hate being in the military because you have to accept orders without question, often without understanding why you need to do whatever it is. When I travel, I can't just wander aimlessly and explore and see what I come across, I need to have a destination and a route to follow or at very least an end point to find my way to with a map, and a plan of what I'm going to do.

Being generous and sharing things isn't a natural impulse. Only occasionally do I feel like doing it, want to do it of my own accord. I think my sister's a little offended by my keeping a box of chocolates and personal treats in my room, because she keeps hers in a kitchen cupboard and tells me I'm welcome to have some. That's very kind of her and I appreciate it, but I only rarely take her up on that offer and balance it by letting her have some of my chocolate when she runs out. I find it very difficult to let myself spend money on a treat, so if I do allow myself to do that then I want to enjoy whatever it is as much as possible for as long as possible. If I share it then there's a risk I'll end up having the smaller portion and that I'll run out of it sooner (and therefore need to spend money on a replacement sooner). To me that's perfectly reasonable, but other people see it as being greedy and selfish. And sometimes I do feel greedy and selfish, I'm ashamed of how difficult I find it to spend money on or be generous towards the people I care about.

I don't have any sensory issues, (although I do sometimes get inexplicably very bothered by music being on when I don't feel like listening to it, maybe that's something), but I do have some comforting habits. I play with a strand of hair on the left side of my head, countless times every day; I like that it's soft and smooth and smells nice, haha. Likewise I'll run the fingertips of one hand over the fingernails on the other, because they're nice and smooth. I keep an elastic hairband on my right wrist and play with that a lot. If I'm among a group and am asked a question, I pull my hair up into a bun as I start to answer, or if I'm sat at a table and have to speak I often lean forward and cross my arms on it. They're automatic, unconscious things, probably to diffuse my nervous energy and as a protective gesture.

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Many people will be able to relate to something I've written, see something in themselves or maybe in someone they know. Some people say things like "everyone has autistic traits" - and it is true that everyone has some quirk, an oddity, particular habits, things they struggle with, or whatever. But we also have to be careful to not misunderstand, underestimate, or invalidate just how different and difficult it is for people with autism. Understanding and navigating the world and all the unwritten, flexible, context-dependent social "rules" is tough enough for the mainstream neurotypical population to deal with. Things that most people take for granted and can do or deal with easily and intuitively, we find very difficult indeed, if not impossible. So for autistics the social world is a complete minefield.

Some people see autism as something that means the person is deficient in essential things, as something that needs treatment and fixing. Many other people are now beginning to reframe it as just a natural human variation and another way of seeing, understanding, and interacting with the world. Who's to say that the "social norm" is the "right" way? I like analogies, they can make things easier to understand, but I can almost never come up with them myself, so this one comes from a former colleague: Autism is just a different operating system. Like, Windows and Mac or Xbox and Playstation. Neither is necessarily better than the other, they each have their strengths and things that they're not so good at, but unfortunately most of society understands and is geared up around just one, making things difficult for the other or others.

My diagnostic report came with a list of recommended books, and I'll give one or two of those a read because, although I can recognise these traits in myself, I still don't really understand what it means. Although my head knows that I have autism, I've always been this way and it's normal for me. I don't truly understand, I don't fully know how that makes me so different to the general population, or how other people see me. I'm sure the books will also give some ideas for strategies and things people like me can do to try and make things easier for ourselves - even though many things will never become truly learned or second nature, and we're always going to have to work harder at some things than most people. I was also given a summary sheet that I can make copies of and give to people like future interviewers or employers, to let them know that I have autism so they may need to make suitable adjustments (e.g. break up a long question into separate ones).

This has been an awfully long and heavy post, and has taken me a very long time to write, so thank you to those who have stuck with it and read the whole thing. I hope it's been interesting, and has given you a slightly better idea of what it's like to be me, and what it can be like for other autistics. As I said, each individual is different, but having a better understanding of just one is a start. If you'd like to do some research to find out and understand more about autism, there are lots of blogs and articles online and videos on YouTube (including a number of good TED and TEDx Talks), and books or e-books. If anyone has anything to add, or any comments or questions, please do either comment below or on my Facebook post, or send me a message - I'd genuinely love to hear from you and know what you think, even if I don't know you personally. Also, feel free to share - it may help someone else :)

Thank you ever so much to all the wonderful people who accept me and love me as I am, and have done their best to understand and support me throughout my life, I am eternally grateful :) xx

Edit note: The original version of this post included terms like "Asperger's", "high functioning", and "mild case". Since joining the online autistic community I've learned that these are considered to be unhelpful and harmful, so have edited them out.