New year, same me

Ah, New Year.

I've spent the last week stewing over writing something about resolutions, reflecting, and intentions (during breaks from stewing over college assignments...). I've never been one for New Year's Resolutions, but do quite like the gentler concepts of reflecting on the past year and what you've learned, and having general intentions for the year ahead, a list of things you'd like to do, or maybe a word or theme for the year. But, I'm not really any good at those things, either. Three years ago I wrote a blog post of intentions for 2019 but then proceeded to not do much about them. I chose the same 'word for the year' two years running because I didn't actually make any conscious effort to build it into my life. And I'm not the sort of person who can easily realise, remember, and articulate how I've grown in a certain area of life over a period of time.

I did start writing a list of things I would like to do this year, but at the third item it just began to feel like pressure. More about what I feel I should do rather than what brings me joy. They are things I would like to do, but I realised I don't have the headspace right now to spend time thinking about it, figuring out how to break them into actionable steps that don't put my brain into fear mode. Because that's the thing about 'resolutions' - our brains are literally not designed to keep them.

I love neuro-psychology (if that's the correct term - the relationships between our brain mechanisms and emotions and behaviour and evolution, etc, why we respond to things the way we do, maybe it's behavioural psychology, anyway!), so here's a fun and fascinating fact. Our brains are literally not designed to keep large, vague goals like New Year's Resolutions. Resolutions are usually quite big compared to what we do in our daily lives, so our brains are suddenly faced with the prospect of, say, going to the gym every day when you usually only go a few times a month. If we make goals that are too different from our current habits, too unfamiliar, our hunter-gatherer brain feels like it's in danger - and we flee, or freeze, or fight. So we need to break them down and start small, really small, with promises we know we can keep, and anchor them to the habits we already have in place.

One of the things I've wanted to do (well, honestly, felt I should do) for years is start journaling, because I know it's a good way to process feelings, increase self-understanding, and track progress, growth, and learning. But I am an overthinker and perfectionist who knows I would find it hard to just write, and I don't want to feel like I have nothing to write most days, or to look back and cringe at what I've written. But at Christmas my friend gave me a 2022 diary/planner, so I've decided to take that opportunity and use it as a journal. Instead of saying "I'm going to journal every day", I've broken it down a little and plan to write something about my day each night before switching the lamp off for sleep - and to put something like 'I don't feel I have anything to write about today' if that's the case. I've kept it up so far, but it feels quite strange, just writing about my day, it's not something I'll want to read back so part of me wonders what the point is in mentioning mundane things. But it's somewhere I can write about special days or moments, like the big family meet-up at the coast on New Year's Day, instead of just relying on photos for memories. And I'm hoping it will prove to be useful when I need to process emotions or something, as long as I do just write and don't overthink it. And it's somewhere I can write about interesting things I've read or learned.

We live in a culture that constantly tells us we should be doing more, moving faster, working harder. Improving. We internalise that message and feel bad about ourselves when we don't or can't do those things. I love Queer Eye but on one episode Bobby said "Your 20s are for working your ass off". Maybe. I sure don't, though. I don't know how. And I've been hard on myself about that. But writing this I've realised that actually maybe I do work my ass off, but it's just not at the level or speed I've been told I should be doing. And that certainly means it'll take me "longer" to "get" somewhere (compared to who, though? everyone's different), but I'm okay with that. I don't like hustle culture, so I'm not going to take any notice if it criticises me.

Personal growth is important and we sometimes do need to push ourselves. There is a place for uncomfortable truths and doing work to help us be better people in our interactions and relationships with others. There are things I would like to do, skills I would like to develop, and frustrating habits I would like to break. But thinking about it this week, I've stopped being so hard on myself about various things, including about struggling to reflect, make intentions, and take action. My brain isn't naturally geared to do such things and I haven't been taught to do them. Maybe journaling will help with processing and reflecting - heck, writing this post has helped with it, I've come to a few realisations - and they're things that I'll gradually find easier. Or not, and that's okay. I've decided to not pressure myself next New Year too, to reflect and make intentions, even to stay up till midnight if I'm at home. In a world that loves to ask young people where they see themselves in 5 or 10 years time, it's okay that I don't know what my life plans are and tend to figure it out on the way. The 'new beginning' energy of New Year makes it a nice time for starting something new or addressing something you'd like to change, sure, but it's not necessarily better than any other time of year. If you want to, great, go for it, but don't be hard on yourself, and break it down into small manageable steps. It doesn't have to be on the first of January, or of any month, or a new moon, or a solstice or equinox, or a Monday, or a date with a nice round number. It can be a random Thursday in July. Any day of the year. Whenever the inspiration strikes from something personal, whenever you want or need to. For now, I have enough to keep me occupied and to look forward to for a while yet.

Some good things from 2021: The gift of friendship and the joy of feeling accepted and that people want to spend time with you. A couple of great weekends away with friends. Creating a regular yoga practice. Passing the first year of my college course - and not only passing, but getting a Distinction. Doing well in driving lessons. Learning new things that help me understand and accept myself more and have a better idea of what I do and don't want.

Some things I'd like to do in 2022: Do more of what I enjoy. Don't be so hard on myself. Keep a journal. Eat more veggies. Grow some more veggies and herbs and flowers. Go for a walk more often, in daily life. Dance more often. Continue going on trips, solo and with others, and exploring the country. Learn to use the DSLR camera I was given in summer 2020. Make some photo albums. Continue remembering that done is better than perfect.

Word for the year: For the last two years I've chosen "Connection", but that's super vague so of course I haven't made any conscious effort, taken any thought-out action, to connect more in my life, be it to my family or friends or myself or the natural world. Which is why I've chosen it two years in a row. But, it's kind of happened anyway, I have connected more, happily. I've decided to make "Connection" my word, my focus, generally. It's always been something that I've wanted to feel more of in my life and still is, and will be for many years.

Take a few minutes to read through this lovely list of 100 ways to slightly improve your life without really trying. 

Finally, I love what Fearne Cotton wrote on Instagram (although I know what she says is easier said than done!):

"New year, same old me.

I do not need to improve myself. You do not need to improve yourself.

I just need to love myself a little more. You just need to love yourself a little more.

When you love yourself you...

 - know when to rest

 - know when to push yourself creatively

 - stop hanging out with people that make you feel like sh*t

 - do more of what you actually love

 - don't beat yourself up so much when you make mistakes

 - and subsequently don't mind so much when others make mistakes

 - look after yourself

 - make sleeping and eating well a priority

 - let go of the past with ease

 - look to the future more positively

 - are up for trying new things.

It's definitely worth a go."

Thanks for reading! :)