Reflecting on the past year

It's been a little over a year now since the first Covid-19 lockdown began in the UK, and I recently had my second birthday in a row under those restrictions, so - as the country starts to open up again for what is hopefully the last time - I wanted to write something about my experience of the past year. 

In March 2020 I was sharing a flat with my sister in Southampton, had been made redundant a few weeks before at the end of February, and was planning to do a few months of temp work before leaving the city when the tenancy on the flat expired in early August. I'd then spend three months doing volunteer work exchange on small organic farms around the country - helping out in return for meals and accommodation, the 'WWOOFing' that I did in Canada. I wanted to take the opportunity to do something different after four and a half years in entry-level admin jobs, and my sister wanted her own place.

Instead, I remained unemployed. Thankfully I was eligible for enough Universal Credit to cover my share of the rent and bills, so I spent last spring and summer entirely at leisure. It didn't bother me that that leisure time had to be spent at home; I'm a homebody, and was lucky to be living in a nice place. Something I noticed pretty early on, and was grateful for, was that some of my introvert and autistic traits which have meant I've always struggled socially, and the things I've learned because of those struggles, were, at this time, actually allowing me to easily cope with the enforced isolation that so many people were finding incredibly difficult. ...I'm actually feeling quite emotional thinking about that right now.

I took full advantage of our being allowed to go out for daily exercise and went for a nice long walk every day, along the mile-long beach a five-minute walk away and around the nature reserve at the other end. I started taking notice of what was around me on those walks, especially all the flowers and plants that were springing up, and taking photos of those things - hundreds of photos over the months. My mostly-smartphone point-and-shoot nature photography is now another creative outlet for me, and something my family and friends enjoy seeing when I periodically upload some to Facebook. I learned to identify some of the flowers and plants I was seeing, and some birds by sight or song or both. I read, I embroidered, I did jigsaw puzzles, I danced, I watched nature-related livestreams, I tried to make elderflower cordial and cinnamon buns. I definitely wish I'd scrolled through social media far less and read books far more, and part of me wishes I'd cooked more things I love to eat, and at least learned a little bit of Italian. But generally, I ignore the voice that tells me I should have done more with all that free time. It's been a year of collective stress, fear, and trauma, and what matters is getting through that. I was content, safe, and healthy, and needed a break from our society's obsession with productivity.

One thing I very quickly noticed was the absence of my depression. A major cause of it is, to put it briefly, the way we live in this modern western society. I've always hated, with a passion, the hamster wheel way of life that we're taught to put up with, of having to work any job, even if it makes us miserable, just to be able to survive and live with dignity, usually filling other people's pockets and exhausting ourselves. And the world is largely biased towards extroverts - it's busy, noisy, crowded, fast-paced, very social, and introverts like me are expected to keep up. Not having to live like that - not spending my days in a job I'm unhappy in, not commuting, not having the pressure of needing to apply for jobs, being able to live a slow and quiet life - was an utter relief. With that weight lifted off my shoulders, I could just stop and exhale and rest and be. The world was going at my pace for a change.

The thought of going back to living that way filled me with dread, and, although it became clear that the WWOOFing wasn't going to happen, I still wanted to take the opportunity to do something different, and something related to nature and working on the land. So in June I did something I should have done years ago - applied to do a full-time college course covering ecology, conservation, and countryside management, starting in September. When the tenancy on the flat ended I moved back in with my mum and stepdad in Andover. 

I am ever so fortunate and grateful that they're willing and able to support me while I'm studying, I wouldn't be able to do it otherwise. But I'm further away from my friends, and the public transport links aren't great, so even when Covid restrictions are fully lifted, I'll still be restricted. This town is pretty rubbish, there's not much here for me. In December I gritted my teeth and finally started learning to drive, and got on well, but then lockdown #3 put a four-month pause on that after just a few lessons. I miss my old walking route. My younger sister has bought her own flat - about which I am absolutely super proud of and happy for her - but I'm back living with and dependent on my mum, and I'm sad that it'll be years yet before I can afford to buy (or frankly even rent) my own place, if ever. Also, the lack of social contact for a year means that, with restrictions easing, I'm feeling nervous about meeting up with people again. You can't build or maintain muscle strength without regular exercise, and my naturally-low social skills - making conversation, asking questions of others to get to know them, connecting with people, feeling confident that I'm enjoyable company - have had very little practice for an entire year.

Despite the inevitable downsides that come with change, I'm still in the best place I could be right now. I'm where I need to be, doing something that's right for me. In March last year I was desperate to change my way of life, and connect to nature more, and I'm definitely doing that. There are a few places I can go for walks here, even if they're not as nice or extensive as Weston Shore and Westwood, and a few people I know nearby who I can meet up with. My older sister and nephews live a short walk away. Although the town itself is rubbish, there's lovely countryside around, and farm shops, and other things I like. We have a lovely garden where I can watch the birds and the hedgehogs, gaze at the plants and smell the flowers, and will be attempting to grow some vegetables. 

Applying to college was without a doubt the best decision, the right move, and hopefully it will set me up for more of those, and eventually a career doing work that I love. It's not easy, I'm not interested in all of it, no good at using tools and machinery, and I get really stressed over the assignments, but overall I do enjoy it and it's so much better than the alternative. My classmates are lovely and friendly (and frankly I admire some of them), and although being a decade older than most of them, and autistic, means I'm not as social as I'd like to be, I'm not lonely as I was my first time around in college ten years ago. I have no idea what I want to do after the course finishes yet, but I'll find something.

I do wonder how much things will change, or whether most people will return to old habits. Many people have connected more with the natural world over the last year and I wonder whether that will remain and how much of a beneficial impact that will have. But we've also seen the astonishingly disgusting indifference of so many others, as evidenced by all the litter left on beaches and in the countryside when we have been allowed out. Working from home has been proven to work perfectly well in many cases, and people have really relished the extra quality time they have; will employers keep that going, allowing staff of all levels to work from home for at least part of every week, and more flexible working? Will people working for employers who could do that but won't, object and demand it? Local independent food shops have done well over the past year, with many people preferring to visit a small greengrocer, butchers, bakery, deli, or farm shop nearby rather than travel to a busy supermarket; will most of those customers stay loyal, and keep those businesses thriving? Has the reliance on arts, culture, and hospitality to keep our spirits up during the pandemic - online gigs, virtual tours, takeaway food - made people realise just how valuable the skills and talents are of those who work in those industries, and stop thinking that being an artist of whatever type is lesser than working in an office? Will all the people who had to go on benefits (or couldn't get them and struggled) or use food banks, and those who know them, fight for a better social safety net? Has it made people better appreciate the workers who have been always been key but often taken for granted and always low paid, will everyone show them more respect from now on and back their calls for the higher pay they deserve? Are people who clapped every Thursday last spring joining in the fight for an NHS payrise and against further funding cuts and privatisation? Has it made more people think about workers rights, paid sick leave, and universal broadband access? Has it made people realise the real need for everyone to have access to quality green spaces within walking distance of where they live, and work to make that a reality? Has the housing of the homeless over the pandemic made people think about the need to end homelessness and poverty and how to do that? Has the not being able to go shopping for months, delivery disruption for online orders, and skyrocketing shareholder profits for online retailers made people think about consumerism, the huge global supply chain, and Buying British a bit more? Will people now, when they're ill with a cold or something else infectious, work from home, or wear a mask to the shop? ...There's so much. So much that needs to change. My natural pessimism and passion for social justice has meant that all the events of the past 12+ months, which have highlighted many inequalities, injustices, and broken systems, have made me deeply afraid and angry beyond words. We have seen some of the best of humanity, and some of the worst. I feel guilty that I don't contribute more. I hope one day I'm in a place where I do.

(Well that was an awfully long paragraph, sorry!)

So. This year has been crazy, a global storm with everyone in different vessels. For many it has been unimaginably horrible and difficult. I have been one of the lucky ones, fortunate enough to spend it in security and comfort. As an introvert I have loved the silver lining that has been the slower, quieter, more peaceful pace of life, and am not the only one not entirely looking forward to the return to "normal". With the absence of my depression, and the changes in my life for the better, this has genuinely been the happiest year of my life. It could have very easily been different. And now it's spring again. Restrictions are easing, this part of the world is getting greener, the sun is warm, the birds are singing, and I'm enjoying buying myself a 99p bunch of bright daffodils from the supermarket every week for a few months.

As always, thank you very much for staying with me if you have made it this far and read the whole thing! Please do Like the post on Facebook, or comment or message, it means a lot knowing that people are interested/have read it and I love hearing your thoughts. What have your experiences of the last year been, really? Lastly - take care, stay safe, don't go out and do more than you're comfortable with as the world reopens, and reach out to friends and family or specialist organisations if your mental health is struggling.