Long weekend in Vienna, 2019 - day 3

Sunday 31st March

My birthday! :)

Again, it took me some time to get up and go out. I had kind of wanted to go to a Mass, one held in the Hofburgkapelle (chapel in the Hofburg palace) where the Vienna Boys Choir sing every Sunday. I'm not religious, but I do enjoy choral music. There was another one at 11am at the Augustinerkirche that had not only a choir but an orchestra. Either would have been great, but I was too lazy. Boo!

I'd decided to spend the day at Schloss Schönbrunn, or Schönbrunn Palace, the former summer residence of the Habsburgs (the Hofburg Palace being the winter residence). When it was built it was 20km away out in the middle of the countryside, but of course nowadays the city has expanded to surround it. On the way to the train station I stopped at a nearby konditorei and bought some Linzerschnitte - basically a traybake version of Linzertorte, an almondy cake with a layer of raspberry jam and a pastry lattice top - and put it in my bag to eat at my destination.

It took about 15 minutes on the U-bahn (rapid transit train system/metro/underground, etc.) to get there, then a five or ten minute walk from the station to the entrance to the palace grounds. It was a weekend and a sunny day, and it's a big tourist attraction, so the route was very crowded, but once you get inside the enormous grounds everyone spreads out and it's much quieter. The palace is huge, an impressive Baroque creation in a somewhat yellow colour, and was built to rival Versailles. I'm sure the inside of the 1441-room palace is impressive, too, but I had no intention of spending money to go indoors on a lovely sunny day. I walked round the side of the palace to reach the gardens, passing the Café Residenz I wanted to eat at later, the Privy Garden which has hedges all around so you can't see inside (you need to pay to go in there), and the Orangery, where they hold classical concerts most evenings. The vast grounds are free to enter and open from 6:30am each day, so it's used by locals as a public park and there were lots of runners and dog-walkers around. As I walked around it reminded me of the Tuileries Garden in Paris (which is also a former palace garden), with its wide crushed gravel paths lined with trees, and I wandered slowly, gazing at the greenery and flowers and listening to the birds, and eventually chose a sunlit bench to sit on and eat the linzerschnitte, which was delicious :)

I just wandered the paths for a while, saw the Obelisk and the Roman Ruin (not real, just a folly) and other fountains and sculptures, watched the horse-drawn carriages take people round, and enjoyed the woodland paths surrounded by fresh spring growth and blooming flowers, then traversed the gentle zigzag path up the hill opposite the palace to the grand Gloriette. Built in 1775 (but destroyed in WW2 and subsequently restored), it's both a focal point of the gardens and a lookout point from where you get an amazing view of the gardens, palace, and the city beyond. The imperial family used it as a breakfast room and dining hall and it's now a café, where of course I had something else wonderful to eat: apfelstrudel! One cannot come to Austria and not try some apple strudel, especially if one loves the combination of apple and cinnamon (and pastry). When it arrived I did my thing of breaking into an enormous smile and gasping quietly and breathing "ohmigod!" and giving a quiet little giggle of joy and basically just sitting there for half a minute with a silly grin on my face and dancing inside, haha. I knew it would be the best bit of cake or pastry I'd had yet on the trip, and after my first bite I decided that some of the cakes on my to-eat list would be passed over in favour of a second slice of strudel sometime before flying back home.

View from the Gloriette

The Gloriette

Apfelstrudel!

After that, I headed back down the opposite side of the hill to the Tiergarten Schönbrunn - the zoo. That's right, the palace gardens are so vast that a full zoo (admittedly, compacted) takes up less than a quarter of them. It was founded in 1752 as a menagerie and is the oldest continuously-operating zoo in the world. I hadn't been to a zoo for a few years and thought it would be a nice birthday sort of thing to do. Most of it was the same as any other with all the usual things you expect, but it has a few lovely old buildings and is one of only a few zoos in the world to have giant pandas, although unfortunately they didn't make themselves visible when I went past their enclosure; nor did the wolves in another area. There was a rainforest house in a pretty glasshouse structure, where there were butterflies, a darkened room where bats were flying about around your head (bats! cute!), and even giant fruit bats hanging from the ceiling in the main sunlit area.

On the far side of the zoo on top of a wooded hill is the Tirolerhof, a splendid old farmhouse built in 1722 in the mountainous Tyrol region in the west of Austria, and transported 440km to the zoo brick by brick in 1994. The building is huge, with four floors - the upper levels would have been the family's living quarters, and the lower levels housed the animals (and still do) - and it has the pretty architecture of traditional Alpine buildings. On the ground floor is a small organic farm shop, selling traditional rural fare like hams, cheeses, wholemeal bread and apple juice. I would have liked to try one of the open sandwiches they were selling, but didn't know what anything was or what would be best/nicest, and it was busy and I don't know German (although they would have spoken English), so I didn't get anything. Looking back now I could have just asked what they'd recommend! Oh well, I wasn't hungry anyway, it would have just been to try some good-quality local stuff. There were enclosures for sheep and cows and goats and rabbits, chickens were roaming freely in the woods, and a little way down the hill were some beehives and a good little educational area about bees, which was cool.

The front of the Tirolerhof

From there I went back down the hill and continued around the remainder of the zoo, which happened to be the oldest part of it, with a Baroque imperial breakfast pavilion, then around 4pm I left and went back into the main palace gardens. I found the beautiful Palmenhaus and eventually came back to the Great Parterre, the French-style sculpted garden space between the palace (which is even more impressive close up) and the Neptune Fountain, with the view of the Gloriette on the hill opposite, and from there made my way to Café Residenz.

The Palmenhaus

The Great Parterre with the Neptune Fountain at the far end, and the Gloriette on the hill

Schloss Schonbrunn

It was only 5pm but I was hungry (after all, I hadn't had a proper lunch, just two big slices of cake at 11:30 and 12:30) and needed to have an early dinner anyway, so I sat down at an outside table. In my jeans, scruffy biker boots and bright pink lightweight thermal jacket, I felt too casually-dressed to sit in the elegant interior. Sunset was a couple of hours away and the surrounding buildings were doused in sunlight still, but gradually the shadows took over as the sun went behind the buildings. I had been warm all day, sometimes not needing even to wear my jumper, but there was a bit of a chilly breeze so I put my coat on after a while and was grateful for the blanket they put on every chair, pulling that over my legs. Goulash was just the thing; the traditional Hungarian spiced beef stew came with spaetzle, German potato 'dumplings'. Very yummy! I don't know if I preferred that or the meatballs from the night before. Both on a par and as good as each other, haha!

Goulash with spaetzle

Of course I got dessert. Café Residenz is part of the Landtmanns group which does some of the best patisserie in the city, and they had everything on my to-eat list except Linzertorte. I was very tempted to get Topfenstrudel, a strudel filled with quark (curd cheese) and sultanas, but the Kaiserschmarrn won. Roughly translated as "Emperor's Mess", it's a fluffy shredded pancake served with stewed fruit, and called Kaiserschmarrn because Emperor (Kaiser) Franz Joseph really liked this kind of dish. To be honest, in the end I wished I'd chosen the topfenstrudel, as the kaiserschmarrn was as big as the main course and the pancake was plain, with the only real flavour coming from the apple sauce and spiced stewed plums I dipped the pieces into, so it got a little boring after a while. It was nice, but I didn't love it.

Kaiserschmarrn

After that I got the train back to the city and went back to the apartment where I had a very quick turnaround before going back out again. The reason I had come to Vienna over other places was that one of my favourite musicians was doing a European tour and was performing here on my birthday. Loreena McKennitt is a Canadian New Age singer/songwriter/composer whose music is heavily influenced by Celtic and Middle Eastern themes, and she's been releasing albums since 1985. I've seen her in concert a couple of times before, in Vancouver and London, and she is just as good live as on recordings, her voice and the music is beautiful and it's stunning. Some of my favourites were played - All Souls Night, The Mystic's Dream, The Mummers Dance, The Old Ways, The Star of the County Down, (though sadly not Caravanserai) - and as always she ended with the haunting and beautiful Dante's Prayer. 

So, my birthday ended up being a really lovely day, the best I've had in a few years, full of sunshine and gardens and peaceful places and a zoo and yummy food and wonderful music; so I was very glad! :)

Long weekend in Vienna, 2019 - day 2

Saturday 30th March

I was quite surprised at how bright it was outside already when I woke up at 6:30am. It wasn't until 9am that I realised the clock on my phone hadn't automatically moved forward to Central European Time when I'd arrived, and that it was in fact 10am, haha! Even so, be it laziness, anxiety, overthinking or perfectionism in trying to figure out my plan for the day, or a mixture of all, I didn't leave until about 11:30am. When I do things like that, I do feel like I'm wasting time and get frustrated at myself, but at the same time I'm not someone who enjoys just going for a wander, exploring and getting lost. If I'm with someone else, fine, but when I'm on my own I have to have a destination and a plan to get there. Anyway, eventually I did go out and got the underground train to Stephansplatz in the city centre, where I exited the station and was surprised by the sight of the Gothic cathedral front looming above as I reached the top of the escalator. For some reason I didn't walk around it to see all sides, I just looked up at it for a minute then started to walk towards a side street where there was a gorgeous florist shop with bright, colourful flowers out front - lovely!

I had my map easily reachable in my pocket. Maps on smartphones are all well and good but I prefer paper ones, so I can see the whole area and where I am or where I'm going in relation to everywhere else. It's not the same moving the map on your tiny phone screen around, it's just a faff. The streets were lovely, winding and cobbled, and I left the map in my pocket for a while and let myself wander a bit; at one point I just happened across Mozart's house. I soon came across a konditorei - a café specialising in cakes, pastries, and other confections - and went inside; a charming place with beautiful display counters full of sweet delights, and a lovely wood-panelled side room furnished with red-cushioned Thonet chairs and little round dark-wood tables. I bought a slice of nusstorte, a nutty, creamy layered cake which was delicious =] I later realised that particular konditorei chain was one of the oldest and most respected in the city, one of several that used to be Purveyors to the Imperial and Royal Court (i.e. they supplied the Emperors), as indicated by the "K.&.K. Hofzuckerbäcker" prefixing their name on the shopfront.

The konditorei, L. Heiner.

Inside L. Heiner konditorei

Cafés and coffeehouses are an integral part of Viennese culture. They're an institution. They're wonderful and elegant and I dearly wish we had such a culture in the UK. There are countless establishments all over the city, places where one can while away an entire afternoon with a book or a newspaper without being disturbed or asked to leave or buy another coffee. They serve pastries and cakes as well as coffee and many do hot food too, so you can have a nice bowl of goulash or a bratwurst, and the service is excellent, quietly attentive. They're the kind of places where writers, poets, painters, psychologists, thinkers, philosophers, politicians and revolutionaries used to gather and discuss ideas, form groups, and do their work. Café Central, established in 1876, is probably the most famous of them all, and had regulars like Joseph Stalin, Leon Trotsky, Sigmund Freud, Alfred Adler, and even Hitler (there are many more, but those are the ones whose names I know). I wanted to go in, but the queue outside was pretty long.

Café Central

Despite having a map, I am useless at getting my bearings so, although I tried to find some of the places I'd circled on the map, the streets just felt like a maze and I got a bit lost... but happily somehow ended up reaching those places anyway. And the city is pretty and it was warm and sunny so I didn't mind. Somewhere I came across a wonderful shop that sold cookbooks and spices and smelled amazing. In one square there was a wine market going on, with people sat or stood at wooden trestle tables drinking glasses of wine and nibbling on little snacks sold at a couple of the stalls. And at one point I was surprised to see a thoroughly modern building on a corner, with black walls and circular mirror-like windows, surrounded by architecture from a couple of centuries ago.

Just a pretty scene in the Jewish Quarter

I did find the chocolate shop I was looking for, Xocolat, located in a somewhat grand shopping arcade called the Ferstel Passage (...right behind Café Central, as it turns out). One of their other locations does chocolate-making workshops, which I had found out about a few weeks beforehand and emailed them about, but the workshops aren't held in English, sadly. But at least I was able to buy some chocolates! Coconut, blackcurrant, pistachio nougat, ginger, Linzer (after Linzertorte), cassis (a blackcurrant filling covered in white chocolate), and marzipan. I got them in a little bag to take away and eat over the weekend. They were very good and I loved the pistachio nougat, cassis and marzipan ones (dark-choc covered marzipan is one of my favourite things!), but honestly the rest I wasn't excited by, I can't explain why. They were excellent quality though.

After the lost wandering, I didn't have time to sit down for lunch, so I grabbed a leberkässemmel (a regional speciality and type of meatloaf in a bread roll - yum) from a Wurstelstand (another Viennese institution) as I made my way to the Musikverein concert hall for an afternoon concert. I wish I had known before the trip just how big the classical music scene is in Vienna. I mean, there are literally anywhere between 10 and 40 high quality classical music concerts going on around the city every night. I didn't know this until the day I came home, so only went to one. But, one is better than none and it was great. Most of these places sell cheap standing tickets, so for just five euros I got to go to one of the world's most famous music halls - the Musikverein's Golden Hall, home of the annual Vienna New Year's Concert - and watch a world-class orchestra - the Wiener Philharmoniker (Vienna Philharmonic, also of New Year's Concert fame) - perform Beethoven for two hours (Symphony No. 4 in B-flat Major, and the instantly-recognisable Symphony No. 5 in C-minor). AMAZING.

(Side note: why didn't I know what the Vienna New Year's Concert was???? It's broadcast all over the world and I've never watched it before! Well, my plan for 1st January 2020 is already sorted.)

The concert finished at 5:15pm and I went and sat in the square in front of the Hofburg Palace for a while after being on my feet for several hours. Around the corner there was someone playing a clarinet to a jazz record backing track, which I enjoyed listening to, and then when I passed the two museums in Maria-Theresien-Platz there was a man playing some sort of guitar made out of a broom...

For dinner I went to a gasthaus called Wratschko. I'd seen it mentioned in an article in an online magazine about Vienna written by locals, and it happened to be only a ten-minute walk from my Airbnb. I ordered the same dish the article recommended - fleischlaberl - meatballs, served with mash. The place was panelled all around with dark wood and lit by a few wall-lamps and candlesticks on the tables, and again I think I was the only tourist in there. The food was amazing. The meatballs were great and covered in a thick, rich and deep and full-flavoured gravy, and the mash was unusual in that it was made of finely-chopped cooked potato (or some other root veg) mixed in with a creamy puree flavoured with I don't know what. It was like mashed potato, but richer and with a bit of texture. All delicious! The best thing I'd eaten so far on the trip :)

Long weekend in Vienna, 2019 - day 1

Time for another trip - Vienna! I like to try and go away somewhere for a few days around my birthday at the end of March (except last year), and this year one of my favourite musicians was doing a European tour and would be in Vienna on the day. To be honest I was a bit nervous. While I spent a few days by myself in Guernsey last summer and again in Singapore and loved both, my last solo European city break was two years ago in Amsterdam, where I had felt down and bored and lonely, wasn't really taken by the city, and just didn't enjoy it very much. I was a bit worried that would be the case again. But Vienna is lovely! :)

Friday 29th March

After leaving home at 3:30am, I finally arrived at my Airbnb in Neubau, the city's seventh district, at about 2pm. I've rented a room in someone's home, and the place is gorgeous - one of those old buildings built a couple of centuries ago, with huge wooden doors, high ceilings, tiled hallways, wide stone stairways, and a courtyard. Something straight out of a Parisian scene - funnily enough exactly like Celine's apartment building at the end of Before Sunset. (For those who don't know that film, it's the second of three films, each set a decade apart, following a young man and woman who, in the first film, meet while travelling and spend a night wandering around Vienna - Before Sunrise. The second film sees them reunite in Paris.) It also reminds me of Zenhouse in Canada with its smell of spices, houseplants on the countertops and windowsills, an eclectic variety of items on display, and a general eco-friendly and bohemian vibe. Anyway, it's old and dated but in a lovely, charming way, and while my room is basically furnished it's quiet and peaceful and warm from the afternoon sunlight streaming through the tall, wide windows.

After resting and enjoying the peace and quiet in the apartment for a few hours, I left around 5pm and made my way down to the edge of the city centre, only 10-15 minutes away. I passed the Museumsquartier and into Maria-Theresien-Platz, which is flanked by the Kunsthistorisches Museum (art history) on one side and Naturhistorisches Museum (natural history) on the other, with a statue of Empress Maria Theresa in the centre. Across the street was a big square with a few grassy areas, a couple of man-on-horse statues and another huge impressive building which I later realised was the Hofburg Palace (duh). Next to one of the statues was a little temporary exhibition celebrating the centenary of women winning the right to vote in 1919; nine lit-up boards about nine particular influential women in the early 20th century feminist movement. Hungry now, I went to find a restaurant I'd seen on Tripadvisor, but that was packed so I headed back to another traditional gasthaus (tavern) I'd passed earlier.

Hofburg Palace

I was the only person in there, apart from three or four locals who were evidently regulars. Thankfully they sat me in the main dining area, a room to the side of the entrance area, so I was away from the locals and didn't have the staff watching me as I sat there. I ordered Wiener Schnitzel, albeit pork instead of the traditional and more expensive veal. It was huge! Like, it took up the whole plate. It came with some fried potato cubes and a side dish of pickled cabbage, carrot, cucumber and tomato, which was really nice and crisp and refreshing contrast to the fried breadcrumbed meat. It was all nice enough! Nothing special but it's not meant to be, it's just an easy and simple and filling meal. The locals had a big, docile bloodhound with them and it kept coming over to the doorway and looking at me with eyes that said it wanted to come and say hello and see my food but also didn't dare, haha.

It was still only 7:15pm by the time I left so I retraced by steps back to a gelateria I'd passed earlier, La Romana. It was a modern and trendy place (evidently evolved somewhat from when it was established in 1947) that sold a range of interesting creations. I chose a cone, which they then lined with molten chocolate (I chose white), and had one scoop each of two different flavours: "Sacher", a rich chocolate one with chunks of chocolate cake and ripples of apricot jam running through it (after the city's famous Sachertorte), and "Crumbles", a delicious almond gelato with crunchy pieces of crumbled chocolate biscuit and caramelised almonds. Yum! Alfresco eating seems to be a big thing here, as in France and Spain and Greece and many other European countries, and every café and eatery in the city has tables and chairs out the front, so I went and sat on one to enjoy the gelato; it was a pretty quiet street so it was nice and I didn't feel awkward as I probably would have if it was busier. After that I just walked back to the apartment, and finished the evening by wrapping myself in an old knitted blanket, made in subdued earthy colours, and sat writing in my notebook at the desk, the high-ceilinged room warmly lit by the lamp in the corner :)

2019 intentions - update

Hello! Sooo, I know it's been over two months since my last post... as usual, I've not had any ideas of something to write about. Now, suddenly, I do have something, and then will have two more things in a few weeks' time, so I thought I'd just do an update following up on my previous post at New Year, before cracking on with the others!

 - CBT: This is going fairly well so far, next week will be the sixth session of eight. I've actually been feeling a lot better the last couple of months (not completely), so haven't really been able to put the tools and techniques into practice. But my mum pointed out that it's probably a good thing that I've been feeling fine while doing the CBT, because if I was still feeling really down and overwhelmed, it might have been too much to take in and try to do. This way, I can take it in, make notes and process it, and start to incorporate the techniques into my life without the pressure of feeling bad if I don't pick them up quickly or whatever.

 - Do a writing course: Done nada so far... I have an issue with motivation (which is actually the topic of the next CBT session). This writing course is completely individually done, completely online and completely open-ended. I'm not attending a weekly session where I'm assigned homework, there are no deadlines, there are no classmates to talk to. Those things make a big difference to me. But the question is, how to make myself do this course? I'd like to, but I'm very forgetful. Perhaps once I actually get started I'll be more likely to remember it. At my new job I get a full hour lunch break, but I usually eat at my desk and take the hour to go for a walk - but when it's really wet and windy, I could take my tablet to the building's break-out areas with chairs and desks and do some of the course then.

 - Perhaps restart and finish the nutrition course: Done nada so far, so looking unlikely, perhaps one day but not a priority right now.

 - Get a new job: Yes! I was offered a job in the first week of January so have been in it for nearly a month now. While the work the company does isn't something I'm interested in, the environment is so much nicer, the people are really friendly and welcoming and relaxed, and my tasks are slightly more interesting and creative. Getting this job, being able to leave the old one, has definitely been a major factor in me feeling better the last couple of months.

 - Learn to drive: Still waiting for a driving school to have availability with automatic cars! I do kind of want to do an intensive course and have it done in one week, but I'm not good under pressure... I should start studying the theory, that would be a good starting point. Again, forgetfulness.

 - Get out more: Yes! I wouldn't have said this has changed much, that I'm still spending most of my evenings in front of the telly, but, actually, I have been out a bit more, and that's something, and my sister said I definitely have. What I've started to do is utilise the calendar on my phone, which I look at most days - I input things I'm interested in going to, even if I haven't decided whether to actually go or not, so that I remember them and am more likely to go. Woohoo =]

 - Save money: Haven't made a budget yet, but have moved a bit of what I have left at the end of the month into my savings, which is better than nothing. I've just signed up to Monzo, a digital bank, which you access and control through a smartphone app, and which allows you to create Pots for different savings goals, rather than just keep everything together in one savings account. You can also set monthly budgets, such as £50 for eating out and other social/leisure things, and there are things like the option to round-up spending and put the change into a Pot (e.g. if I spend £1.60, 40p will be automatically moved into savings).

 - Build up habits of meditation, yoga, mindfulness and gratitude: Done nada so far... But I've just entered an afterwork meditation session held every Thursday at a centre in town into my phone calendar, and once I get a new phone next week (with more internal storage) I'll download a meditation app so I can do a guided meditation at home after work or in the morning (if I remember!)

 - Get back into pagan spirituality: Done nada so far...

 - Climb Snowdon (or Cadair Idris): I haven't done anything towards planning this yet - I should just pick a date!

 - Exercise more: Done nada so far...

 - Eat more plants: Haven't done much towards this. I've included a few full-of-veg vegan recipes on the most recent meal plan, but haven't made an effort to make veg snacks for work, like green smoothies, or spiced roasted chickpeas, or celery sticks with peanut butter, or carrots with hummus. Those things are so simple, I just need to do it - like I just spontaneously made a green smoothie bowl for breakfast this morning, haha! Yummy =]

 - Read less self-help books: Yes! Haven't read any self-help books so far :) Instead I've read all the books I got for Christmas - mostly memoirs - and a couple of others.

...So, out of those 13 things I've only really ticked four, and half-ticked another couple, but there are a few other things I have done:

 - Signed up to take part in a 25km/15-mile hike on 8th June, as part of the Jurassic Coast Challenge, as a personal challenge and to raise money for mental health charity Mind. Read more and donate if you'd like to on my JustGiving page :)

 - Entered a competiton to spend three months living in an Italian village this summer, learning to cook, learning the language, growing vegetables, and helping a local NGO to revitalise the emptying village. The competition was open to people all over the world and there'll only be four winners, so it's unlikely I'll get even shortlisted, but I had to apply, it would be a dream come true!

 - Want to enter a travel writing competition to win a 14-day trip to Portugal with a travel writer mentor. However, the closing date is next Wednesday and I don't have any ideas on what to write about! They've given three themes to pick one from, but I can't think of anything...

In the end, some progress is better than none :)

New year - Intentions for 2019

I know it's been nearly two months since I last posted anything - sorry! Several times I've started writing something while in a particular mood but then found it difficult to continue once that mood had passed. There's never really any method to my writing, I don't use any kind of structure or planning technique... I just write, for hours, and overthink, and edit, and get very tired...

It's just gone half past midnight on what is now 1st January 2019. A new year. In some ways it's just another day. I've never made much of New Year, most years I've just spent it with my family and this evening I've just been at home alone watching a film like any other night. A couple of guys squeezed through the fencing onto the building site next door and let off some fireworks around half past ten, and several neighbours came out onto their balconies to watch, introducing themselves to each other and sharing a laugh. Then at midnight several firework displays were visible at once across the water (pretty!) and neighbours came out onto balconies again, some attempting to sing Auld Lang Syne without really knowing the words. It sounded nice. I might have gone out and joined them if the Christmas tree wasn't blocking the balcony door, haha.

New Year is often seen as a new start, too, a chance to start afresh, to make changes, etc. I've never really made new year's resolutions, but 2018, especially the second half, has been very difficult for me and I seriously need to make some changes. For months I've been feeling frustrated, angry, afraid, hopeless, incredibly lonely, full of self-loathing, and a few weeks ago I was diagnosed with moderate depression and anxiety. It wasn't a surprise at all, I've been dealing with both of those things for years, but I'm glad to have it confirmed so I can get some help. My family also believe I have mild Asperger's (I don't disagree, it would explain a lot, especially my difficulty with making conversation) and I'm waiting to hear about getting an assessment for that. But I've had enough of feeling so awful, I need to change my life.

So, what changes do I have in mind? What I wanted to do over this last week was to write them down and make proper SMART goals (specific, measurable/meaningful, actionable, realistic and time-bound) out of them, in a bid to make it more likely that I'll do them, have a plan to follow, etc. That hasn't happened. So here's a list of things I want to do, in no particular order:

 - CBT: This isn't a personally-selected goal as such, but still something I'll be doing in the near future that should help me make changes. I've been referred for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, to help with the depression, and that eight-week group course starts early February. I'm looking forward to meeting other people who are in a similar boat and learning different things I can do to improve how I feel, or at least find it easier to cope, in everyday life.

 - Do a writing course: I've signed up to an online writing course, which I came across several weeks ago and was on sale after Christmas. It's for non-fiction writing and the tutor is a journalist. I can't remember most of what it covers but one of them was how to come up with ideas for and plan pieces. It's a fully-online, start-anytime course, so what I need to somehow make sure I do is start it, and then actually do it, and complete it. I'm really not good at doing and finishing things that are for my own benefit.

 - Perhaps restart and finish the nutrition course: Back in March I signed up for a short, basic distance-learning course in nutrition. I did the first of three modules in April... and then just didn't continue. As I said, I'm really not good at completing things that are for my own benefit or that interest me at first, at doing the work, even if I've paid for it. I don't know why, it's really frustrating and I'm hoping that kind of thing might be helped by CBT. I'd like to finish something, and go on to do other courses in other things that interest me, which could help broaden my career options.

 - Get a new job: I got my current job while I was still living in Winchester, but living in Woolston now means that my commute is on average an hour and a half each way, exhausting and expensive. I've been looking for a job in Southampton for a few months now and had a few interviews with no luck, but just need to keep trying. Figuring out what my next step work-wise is something else I need to do - being able to spend the majority of my time doing something that is interesting, meaningful, satisfying and fulfilling to me is very important - but for now I just need something still in admin but closer to home so I can have more time and energy to focus on other things.

 - Learn to drive: I've never been interested in driving, and didn't get on well at all in my ten hours of lessons in a manual car when I was 19. Since then I've preferred to spend my money on other things such as going on trips, and have built up a fear of driving and being at the mercy of idiots on the road and a fierce resistance to the cost of lessons, buying, running and maintaining a car. I hate the idea, I resent that it's necessary, I don't want to do it - but at last I've reached a point where my fear of my life staying as it is for much longer is bigger than those things. If I can drive I can move out of the city, at least to the suburbs, somewhere I can hear birdsong and there are trees and grass and plants around. I can look for jobs with organisations whose work I love, but which are usually based out in the middle of nowhere, like wildlife and environmental charities. I'll be able to get out more, go to the monthly ceilidhs in Chandlers Ford and more folk gigs and folk festivals and pagan events and National Trust places and all sorts of other things because I won't be restricted by public transport. I might even be able to 'find my tribe' at all these things, hopefully make some friends. I could take up a hobby again, like archery or swing dancing, and go to weekly classes. I'll be able to just hop in the car and go out to the countryside for a walk, and go down to Devon and Cornwall for a weekend, or fly up to Inverness and hire a car in the Highlands. I'll be able to do so much and have more to look forward to in daily life. But I know that learning to drive can be a very long process, so I'm going to look at it less like "learn to drive" and more like "take driving lessons". One at a time. That's doable. Each lesson done is an achievement. What I'd prefer to do is take an intensive course but, unless I delay it by another six months to save up and then use precious annual leave for such a course, I can't afford to do that. I've contacted a few driving schools for lesson prices, but I think I'll just pick one in the morning and book a taster lesson.

 - Get out more: I've signed up to the mailing lists and 'liked' the Facebook pages of some local music/performance places, so I can see if there's anything coming up I'd be interested in going to. A few weeks ago I made a pretty spontaneous decision to spend a Friday evening at the Art Café in town at a small folk gig, and it was such a lovely evening, I really enjoyed it, so I want to get out and do things like that more often. I'm thinking perhaps one 'social event' per month, be it a gig or a ceilidh or a dance class or a poetry slam or a creative workshop or a day of board games I have no idea how to play at my friend's house, or whatever. Events and activities where I can interact with other people if I choose to, people who are there because they too like whatever it is - rather than solo leisure activities like taking myself out for a meal and movie, as nice as that is sometimes.

 - Save money: I've never properly budgeted (or been taught how) and while I've always been more of a saver than a spender, for the last few months I haven't really been able to do that due to moving and a subsequent increase in rent, bills, food and transport costs, and the amount in my savings account is almost nothing. I want to sit down and figure out a budget, look at where and how I can save money and take action on it, and decide whether I want to put money aside for all of the things I want to save for (driving lessons, car, trips/holidays, future home deposit, and money for everyday leisure) but lesser amounts for each, or just choose one or two for now and be able to save more quickly for those things, sacrificing the others for a while.

 - Build up habits of meditation, yoga, mindfulness and gratitude: These things are scientifically proven to help improve your mental wellbeing if you practice them consistently. I'd like to schedule time for them into my day, so something like five minutes of yoga stretches when I wake up each morning and perhaps again before bed, mindfulness moments whenever I can during the day, noting down three things I'm grateful for at the end of each day (or that could be a positive way to start the day, too) and listening to a short guided meditation or piece of soothing music before I go to sleep. Something like that. Start off small. I'd like to attend a meditation course one day, though, and have signed up to the mailing list/liked the Facebook page of the Buddhist meditation centre in town, which holds courses and workshops in meditation and Buddhist teachings.

 - Get back into pagan spirituality: I'm not a practising pagan, but it's kind of my spiritual community. Again, once I learn to drive I'll be going to pagan-y events and festivals and finding local meetups. I came across paganism in my early teens and was instantly drawn to it because it encompassed everything I had loved since I was little: the countryside, nature, the different seasons, fairies, witches, magic, folklore and myths and legends (King Arthur and Robin Hood especially), the connected-to-earth culture/way of life of Native Americans and pre-Christian European cultures, etc. There's quite a bit of pagan music on my iPod, and it tends to be what I listen to when I'm feeling stressed or overwhelmed or down about reality. I've neglected that part of me for years and want to reconnect with it, and make it part of my daily life, because it's a core part of who I am and brings me joy.

 - Climb Snowdon (or Cadair Idris): Pretty self-explanatory. I've fancied the idea for a while. Not for charity or anything, just for me. A physical challenge instead of a mental one for a change. Should probably think about when I'd like to do that, and do a bit of training!

 - Exercise more: Again, something I'd like to make a habit of and incorporate into my days in a structured way, because it's good for your physical and mental health. I already walk a bit, though not as much as I used to, and a few minutes of yoga at the start and/or end of each day will be a start, but I'd like to do more cardio too. Perhaps a starting point could be something like going out for a run around the block for five minutes as soon as I get home from work on a specific day each week (and any day I get home feeling crap), or do 60 seconds of star jumps twice a day.

 - Eat more plants: While I do eat pretty healthily, I almost never get the recommended five portions of fruit and veg a day, and when I do eat fruit or veg it's usually the same things, which doesn't provide much nutritional variation. I'd like to make sure I eat the recommended amount most days, and mostly veggies. I'm going to look up some recipes for green veg smoothies and juices, and start taking raw veg sticks to work as snacks sometimes. Eat the rainbow! I don't want to go overboard on it - I also want to let myself eat more pasta and comfort food, haha!

 - Read less self-help books: I think that self-help and personal development books count for the largest proportion of what I've read over the last few years. I love them, they're interesting and great, I'm passionate about those kind of topics, but there's just so much information in even just one book, so many things you can do or to think about, that it's overwhelming. I know quite a bit of the theory by now, but haven't really done much to try anything out and and actually learn and progress. I'd like to think less and just start taking action. I'd like to get back to reading just because I love it, because I want to lose myself in another world or am interested in the topic of a book, rather than because I think it could help me sort my life out.

There are so many things I want to do, more than I can mention. My mind gets so full of things I want to do or feel I should do that it's challenging to actually sort them out a bit and think "okay, I want to do this, I can break it down to these things and do them this way". I guess this blog post is less for you readers and more for me, it's my way of sorting some of them out. I've picked ones that are centered around my wellbeing or work/career development/exploration, rather than things I'd just like to do, like learn to make pasta. The challenge now is actually doing them, and I hope I haven't bitten off more than I can chew. All together they seem a lot of things to start trying to do, but I think I've cut them down into small, manageable first steps. We shall see!

Okay, I've been writing this for five hours! To be honest, it's still less than a post usually tends to take, but it does mean it's 5:30am! I'm glad I've managed to get a post done finally, but it's time to wrap this up, I need to sleeeeeeep. This is an awfully long post and thank you if you've continued reading all the way to the end, I hope it's been interesting =]

Here's to a positive 2019!